New Horizon PG13
by Twilight Eve
Summary: Edward left Bella in New Moon and never came back. Bella has been changed but doesn't remember anything of her human life.  Rated M for some language
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Goodbye Forks**

"Happy Birthday Bella" Jacob said towering over me as he stood in my doorway. He was holding a pink frosted cupcake in the palm of his hand, lit with a single candle. I smiled up at him, this was the perfect gift -no party, no celebration -just my best friend, a cupcake and a quiet evening in, on my last day in Forks.

"Make a wish -preferably before the wax completely covers the thing!" he said teasing.

I quickly blew it out, and then stepped aside, letting him in my tiny apartment "Jake, I'm a little old for making wishes. But thank you." I reached up around his neck, giving him a peck on the check.

"Your only twenty Bella, and your never too old to make a wish!" He answered me, rolling his eyes at the same time.

He walked into the kitchen and went to the cupboard where I normally kept my plates, when he opened the door and had a brief moment of shock and then looked around, finding the boxes.

"You already packed up the kitchen?" he sounded a little confused.

"Jake, I've already packed up the whole apartment" I answered him, fanning out my hand towards the empty space.

"Oh" he nodded, slowly dropping his head.

"Jake…"

"I know, I know. I just thought maybe you would have changed your mind" He cut me off, knowing I would just repeat the same thing that I have been telling him for almost a year now.

"Well, I haven't and I'm sorry" 

"Don't be sorry Bella, I'll just miss you that's all" he smiled a weak smile at me, trying his best to hid his disappointment.

"It's only college Jake, it's not like you'll never see me again" I lied.

"Yeah, college in Britain!" he scoffed.

"Whatever Jake!" I rolled my eyes and smiled at him, lightly punching him on the shoulder -which still managed to hurt a little.

I remembered back to a summer not that long ago when he kissed me without my permission. I unthinkingly punched him in the face and broke my wrist, after that I only had to fight him off for a couple more months before he got over the ridiculous idea of us being together.

Thinking about that made me chuckle, so I shook my hand like it really hurt -he remembered too and laughed back, shoving me very lightly on my shoulder, just enough to make me stumble back and laugh a little louder.

We split the cupcake and spent the remainder of the night on my tiny sofa talking and watching bad TV.

The next morning Jake and I drove over to my dad and Sue's -my step-mom's house, so the three of them could drive me to the airport to see me off.

About a year after Harry Clearwater passed away, Charlie and Sue where married. They both had loved Harry so much, that when he died they ended up spending a lot of time together, and eventually falling in love. They made each other happy and seemed to be perfect for each other, which allowed everyone to accept it so easily, no one looked at it as wrong or in a judging way.

I really like my new step-siblings too, we all got along really well. We were like the brady bunch -minus three.

After the long drive to the Seattle airport I had just enough time to check in and say goodbye to my family and best friend.

"I love you guys, thank you for driving me" I said to all three of them.

"We love you too sweetheart" Sue smiled, holding out her arms for me to hug her. We exchanged a quick hug and a kiss on the check before I let her go.

"I love you Bells, I'm really gonna miss you" Charlie grabbed me into a tight hug, his voice was horse as he fought back tears. Hearing him like this broke my self control and I began to weep.

"I love you too dad and I'll miss you very much" I choked out between breaths. We stood there holding each other for a few minutes, neither of us moving to let go, Jake finally spoke up.

"Bella, your going to miss your plane" he said quietly.

"K" I whispered back, moving to let go of my dad. He still held on for a few tight more seconds then let me go, but not before kissing me on the check. "I love you, you call me as soon as you get there" he said sternly, looking me square in the eyes.

"K dad, I will. Promise" I tried to smile under he hands that surrounded my face. He bent down and kissed me one last time on the forehead before letting me go.

As soon as his hands were off my face Jake picked me up in a bear hug, squeezing me so tight I could barely breath "Jake…can't….breath…." I managed to get out.

He laughed and set me down and then pulled me back into a hug, this time light enough that I could return his affection. I buried my face in his chest as I began to cry again. He was my rock, the one I counted on most in my life and I would miss him terribly. He bent down and kissed me on the top of my head, then resting his check there for a while, until I caught my breath.

He pulled me in tightly when I started to pull away, then let me go after giving me another kiss on the head. "Love you Bells"

"Love you too Jake" I replied, my breath hitching on the words.

I was holding Jakes hand when I started to walk away, neither of us letting go, until we had to when the slack ran out, both our arms falling heavily to our sides when our fingers slipped from each other. I walked threw the gate and turned to look at them one last time whispering the words 'I love you', I knew Jake would have heard me, but to my dad and Sue it would have looked like I only mouthed them.

I turned and continued to my boarding gate, leaving them and Forks behind me.

Once I reached London, I did as I promised and called Charlie to let him know that I had made it safe. We talked for a few minutes before I called to talk to Jake, he sounded happy to hear me but still had sadness in his voice.

When I hung up with them I went to the desk to check in for my other flight, the one that would lead out of the UK.

(1/11/10)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Volterra**

Once the plane landed at my final destination, I grabbed my two small bags and headed out of the airport to find a cab. Between the drive and my search it had taken me three hours until I found the place that I had always intended to come.

I was scared and nervous, but completely accepting in anything that was to come. I had decided on my fate long ago, it was a decision I had made, and had been planning and intended to keep. So as I walked up to the guards, not letting the hammering in my chest detour me, I confidently walked up to one of the men, looked him square in the eye and said

"I am here to speak with Aro"

It was just after dusk, dark enough for a vampire to be out in the open, but there were very little people on the street. He looked down at me, with amusement, confusion and shock fleeting across his cold face, then he squinted his eyes at me ever so slightly before answering "Excuse me?"

"Please, I must speak with Aro, your master. I have come a very long way, and with the information I hold, I'm sure he would like to speak with me as well." I said, trying my best to sound confident, as if I actually had something he would want.

He continued to look at me with a bewildered expression on his face before looking up at his partner and nodding towards the door. The other vampire gave him a nod in return and went into the castle.

I took in a ragged breath, trying to calm myself. I never really expected it to go this far, I had hoped but didn't think it would, a new wave of butterfly nervous erupted in my stomach as I tried to keep my breathing and my heartbeat under control.

Several minutes had passed, long enough for my nerves to die down, only to be replaced with despair. They were not going to let me in, and I would have to find another way to get what I wanted. All this time and planning was now wasted, and I had no back up plan.

The vampire guard must have noticed my change in demeanor, he chuckled softly with a grin "What's your name?"

"Bella" I answered him softly, all hope and confidence from my voice "My name's Bella" I looked down, trying to squish the urge to run away and cry.

He didn't say anything else, we just stood there continuing to wait, in the dark and silence for someone to return with any news.

Finally after what seemed like an hour the other vampire came back out, he walked up to me, looking at the other guard and then telling me "Follow me"

I stood there, I was confused, I had been waiting out here for such a long time that I was sure I would be sent home, and when he said 'Follow me' it didn't make sense. After a few seconds of both of them looking at me like I was a crazy lunatic, the guard who had been standing with me finally spoke again.

"Bella. Aro will see you now" he said slowly, as though I were a child who needed specific directions to understand, which was apparently the case.

"Oh, right. Ok" I mumbled out.

They looked at each other and shrugged before walking, one in front of me the other behind. We walked into the castle through the massive wooden doors and down several different halls, making our way deeper and deeper into the castle. After several minutes of walking we finally reached a room, I was shocked to find a human women at the reception desk. She smiled a gentle smile at me and then giggled at the vampire who walked behind me.

We walked through the last set of doors before reaching a room. It was round with three large chairs set up in the middle of the room. I recognized the men in them immediately as the vampires from a painted portrait that I once saw.

The two guards I had walked with, took me to the center of the room facing the three vampires, one standing on either side of me.

The vampire in the middle smiled a kind smile and stood up walking towards me "What is your name dear?" his voice was velvety like all the other's I had heard, but raspy having an old sound to it.

"Bella" I said timidly, tipping my head towards him as if he were royalty.

"And why have you come here Bella?"

"I..uh..I" I shook my head, I had no idea what to say to him. I knew why I had come, and I knew what I wanted from them, but I had no idea how to explain myself or ask for what I wanted.

"Don't be afraid dear Bella. My name is Aro, you asked for me by name. Now there must be something I can do for you, it's not everyday a young human girl come's knocking on the Volturi's door asking to speak with one of the leaders." He was still speaking softly, his words kind and curious.

"I..I'm sorry…I don't…know what to say…where to begin….I" I couldn't form a coherent thought let-alone a sentence.

"Why don't you start by telling me how you've come to know my name and where to find me" He smiled a gentle smile.

"I knew a family, who had spoke of you and your coven." I told him, flinching on the word family, hoping he would not ask me any names.

"Family? What family do you speak of?" he looked confused, and my chest began to writhe in pain. I had yet to speak any of their names aloud, not even a last name, and my body instinctively began to react on the impending doom, so taking the natural precaution, one that I had become very used to, I tightly wrapped my arms around my chest -in a hopeless effort to hold in and prevent the burn.

"Cullen" I whispered out as quickly as I could, wincing at the sound of the word, then tightly clenching my jaw.

"Ah, Carlisle. My dear old friend, how is he doing?" He asked apparently oblivious to my pain.

"I wouldn't know, I haven't seen them in two years." I told him as calmly as I could, closing my eyes, forcing away the pain and then opening them again to look at Aro's face.

"Ah, I see. And are they why you have come here today?"

"No." I told him flatly -and in complete truth. They were not the reason I had come.

"And how's that?" he asked curiously again.

"They are the reason that I know, but not the reason I have come. I came for me." I was gaining some of my confidence back, remembering why I had come in the first place.

"You came for you? And what can we do for you, Bella"

"I want you to change me"

(11/1/10)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Decisions, decisions

"I see" the ancient vampire Aro said to me. He looked at me wistfully for a few short seconds then turned to walk towards the throne he had been seated in just moments ago.

"This is ridiculous" one of the others spoke up, he was just as ancient looking as the other two, but had hair so light is was almost the same color as his pale skin. He rose his hand and with a flick of his wrist and spoke to the guards "take this out of my sight."

"No! Wait…" I started to speak while instantly having the two guards from the gate grab me, getting ready to usher me out the door. "Please.." I tried to finish.

"Now brother" Aro spoke, effectively stopping the guards in there tracks "let us hear the girl out, after all she did come all this way." he spun back around to face me again, smiling and raising his hand towards the guards this time. They released me, but didn't move away.

"Her reasons hardly matter Aro, the fact is, is that she knows, the law claims her." The blond vampire continued.

"Bella" he indicated to me, not responding to the other vampire.

"I, …I came here in the hopes that you would change me" I stuttered out "but if you won't, then I have another request." I paused to take a deep breath before I could continue. I of course knew that if they were not going to change me, the fact that i had let them in on the secret that I knew of there existence, they would never let me leave alive after that. I knew this, sure, but stating it as a request was another thing all together.

"If you won't change me, then please, when you kill me, all I ask is that you do it quickly."

They all stared at me in shock, even the one guard next to me, he turned his head towards me so quickly that it made me jump in surprise.

Aro's booming laughter a moment later was another surprise to me. "Ha, ha, ha! You're very brave!" he said to me.

"So you knew by coming here today that you would not leave alive? Is that what you would have us believe?" The blond vampire spoke to me directly this time.

"I knew it was a possibility, yes." I answered him.

"And yet here you stand" Aro indicated towards me with both his hands. "Fascinating." he said to me with a strange, unsure look on his face. "So what do we do with you now?"

"She knows too much."

"Yes." Aro agreed with his brother, then slowly began to walk to me.

Had I honestly expected anything different? I questioned myself now as death approached -pale and cloaked in black like the reaper. Instinctively I recoiled from him, taking a stumbling step back.

"Don't be disturbed," he reassured me. "I mean you no harm." He eyed me with bright interest, lifting one hand out. "May I?" he asked.

Despite Aro's over politeness, I didn't believe I really had a choice. I was horrified at the thought of allowing him to touch me, and yet also perversely intrigued by the chance to feel his skin, freezing flesh that had once been such a comfort to me. I raised my hand out to him as a strange wave of excitement eagerly pushed me forward.

He reached out and took my hand, it was hard, but felt brittle -shale rather than the granite I had been anticipating- and even colder than I expected. He firmly held on to my hand, while wrapping the other over top of mine as his filmy eyes smiled down at me, it was impossible to look away.

Aro's face altered as I watched. He'd been confident upon his approach and in taking my hand, but then it wavered and became first doubt, then incredulity before he calmed it into a friendly mask. "Interesting," He said aloud while still holding onto my hand, "So very interesting." he spoke again as he released my hand and drifted back.

"Aro?" the other vampire asked. Aro didn't speak, instead raised his hands out if front of him; the others relaxed.

Aro continued to drift with a thoughtful expression around the room, his eyes flickering from me to some of the others. Then, abruptly, he shook his head.

"A first," he said to himself. "I wonder….Jane, dear?" he turned.

At first I thought the tiny vampire was a boy, but the face was too pretty. The wide-eyed, full-lipped face smiled as she drifted to Aro's side "Yes master" she asked him, her childish voice tinkling around the room.

"I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella here is immune to _you_."

Jane turned toward me with a beatific smile; the guard next to me stiffened, and the room fell very quiet.

I meet her gaze, not sure what was happening. Jane was smiling at me now, and it all clicked together. They were testing out their gifts on me, first Aro and now Jane. I shrank back, waiting for whatever was going to happen. I was sure it would be painful.

She glared at me, her jaw clenched with the intensity of her focus.

Nothing happened.

Jane hissed in frustration as Aro began to laugh once again. "Ha, ha, ha! This is wonderful!" he clapped his hands together.

Jane's upper lip curled back over her teeth as she leaned forward like she was preparing to spring. "Don't be put out, dear one," Aro said in a comforting tone, placing a hand on her shoulder. "She confounds us all."

Whatever was meant to happened, didn't, and although Aro seemed pleased by this, Jane continued to murderously glare at me.

"Well Bella, it seems you have given us much to consider!" he beamed as he spun back around the room to stand in front of his brothers. He held out his hands toward them, the two that were still seated in their thrones now stood, each one taking a hand. They stood like that for a few moments before the silence was broken.

"What?" the white-haired one hissed.

"Caius, surely you see the potential," Aro chided him affectionately. "I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec! Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"

Caius, who had been scowling furiously, relaxed.

The room fell silent again as another agonizing moment passed.

Why was this taking so long? I couldn't figure it out and I didn't expect it to be such a trial. I grew more and more stressed as the seconds ticked by, wondering how much time would pass before it was too much time, before I was _out_ of time. I took a deep breath; filling my lungs, would it be my last? Would this room be the last of the world I would ever see? Will these people, with the unnerving crimson eyes, be the last I look into?

Does it matter? I asked myself after speculating. I've made my peace, I knew there were only two ways out of this for me, both of which I was ok with. I didn't have a death wish, no, of course I truly wanted to live, but not like this, not anymore.

I wanted to forget, I wanted to be rid of my pain. Pain that I couldn't -no matter how hard I tried, get rid of. Faces that I wanted to stop seeing, or rather, _one _face that I wanted to stop seeing.

Human memories faded, and could be forgotten all together once you were changed into a vampire, or so I had been told. And since I did in fact want to live, it seemed the only way to get both, be turned and forget. Or die trying. These were my options, this was why I was here. And that I was ok with.

Today I would finally get what I wanted, what I've been waiting for. Peace.

I had been so lost in thought that I didn't realize that they had finished their discussion; their silent gathering about my fate, and were all looking at me, waiting.

I looked up at Aro, who was quite obviously the leader here, as I expectantly waited with them for him to speak.

Aro smiled, happy again, his eyes bright with excitement. "Do you have any final thoughts or a last request?" he asked me cheerfully.

I felt heavy; weighted as I answered him.

"No." I simply stated, lowering my eyes, slightly cowering my head as the room settled in around me.

"Don't fret my dear," he spoke right next to me now. "It will all be over soon."

And it was. Everything went black. And then I began to burn.

(11/19/10)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The letter

_Knock. Knock._

"Just a minute!" Billy Black yelled from the kitchen, he had just wheeled himself in there to make a sandwich when there was a knock at the door. He closed the refrigerator and had to set everything down on the counter before he made his way into the living room to answer it.

"Who is it?" He asked before opening the door to the unknown stranger.

"UPS" The man on the other side of the door replied.

Billy opened the door, a strange look crossing his face, it wasn't often that anyone in his house ever received anything via shipping.

"I have a package here for Jacob Black." The man in the brown uniform said.

"Jake!" Billy yelled over his shoulder "There's someone at the door for you!" he said while backing up out of the door way.

Jacob stumbled sleepily into the living room wearing only his boxer shorts. He had been asleep for the last several hours after being on patrol all night, when the sound of the knocking mostly woke him up.

"Yeah?" He said the the UPS driver.

"I just need you to sign here please." The man said to Jacob holding out a digital signature pad to him.

Jacob scribbled his name and handed the machine back the delivery man and took his package from him. "Thanks." He said before closing the door.

"What's that?" Billy asked him from the kitchen.

"I dunno know." He answered him while ripping open the package.

Inside the generic brown box was another slightly smaller white box with a letter attached to the outside of it. The paper inside the envelope was thick and felt expensive. Jacob unfolded the piece of paper and on it read:

October, 13 2012

Mr. Black,

This is to certify that Miss Isabella Swan was a customer of our bank. She maintained a safety deposit box with our London Branch; Bank of England, since the date of; September, 15th 2007. As instructed by Miss Swan; the account was to be closed and all contents mailed to one Jacob Black if no activity occurred after five (5) years of listed date. In view of this, after several attempts to reach Miss Swan, the safety box account has been closed and mailed per instruction.

Sincerely,

Steve Meyer

Steven Meyer

Bank of England

Threadneedle Street

London EC2R 8AH

Jacob read the letter once more and then again out loud for Billy. Billy stopped mid bite as Jacob read the letter. After staring at each other for several long second, Jacob tore into the box, as if to find Bella, his long lost friend, in there herself.

Jacob ripped the top of the heavy white box off to find a closed envelope on top of the pile of things that were there. It was addressed to 'Jake' written in Bella's messy handwriting.

Jacob held the letter, rubbing his fingers over the script several times before finally turning it over to open it. He was gentle with this letter, taking extra caution when opening it.

Jake,

Hey. I hope you never get this, but if you are reading it, it means that something bad has happened, and I'm so sorry! You know I love you more than anything in the world right?, but Jake I had to do this for me. I hope you understand. I'm sure you know now that I didn't go to college in London, I lied to you about that and I'm sorry. I can't tell you where I went, it would put you in danger, but know that I am completely ok with whatever has happened! I needed peace Jacob, you know what from, and I went to find it.

I wish I could have told you, but I knew you would never have let me leave. I had to do this Jake, I had to do it for me, please try and understand. If you're reading this it's probably because, well, like I said, it's not good, and since this won't get to you for 5 years, I'm sure you've already assumed as much. Please don't do anything reckless or stupid! It won't change ANYTHING! Please Jacob. Promise.

I love you, you are my best friend, and I love you so much Jake!Take care of yourself and Billy, and watch out for my dad k? And don't tell him I sent this to you.

Bye Jake, Love you.

Bella

(12/3/10)


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Ciao Bella**

It was late, the sun had gone down hours ago and I still wasn't ready to leave. I loved the library at the University of Pisa, it was perfect. It had that old book smell that I love so much, thousands of them lined up on shelves, each filling the room with there perfume, just waiting for me to read them. All of them unique and beautiful in there own way, millions of words just waiting to be absorbed.

_'Nerd.'_ I chastised myself.

It wasn't unusual for me to stay late, most of the cleaning staff was used to me being here by now, but tonight was later than ever, I didn't want to leave.

Today was the last day of the semester, and there would be no more classes being held for two weeks, and that's only if you signed up for extra credits. Most of the student body wouldn't be back for months. So I had two weeks to find something else to do with my time, all 336 hours to fill, with what I had no idea.

I heard the night guard and the janitor discussing me before he finally made his way into the library, so with a dejected sigh I started to pack up my things as he entered the door.

"Perdono singorina?"

"Si?" I said to him while stuffing books and papers into my bag.

"Io dovere chiedere lei finire la sculoa per favore." He seemed a little abashed that he had to ask me to go, so I apologized and hurriedly went to leave. "Si, certo! Scusa!"

"Ma certamente! Grazie della sua comprensione"

"Addio" I said to him as I passed through the door of the library.

"Ciao Bella!"

The door to the courtyard was only a little ways from the library, so I turned to wave at the two men who were staring after me, before disappearing outside.

Once out of sight I began to move more quickly, and before too long I was outside the city limits and at my small house that was located near the Tuscan countryside.

"Hey B!" Felix greeted me as I walked in.

"Hi Lex" I responded while flipping on the lights. I know that it's completely unnecessary but I'll never understand why vampires don't use lights when humans aren't around.

"Taking more classes?" He asked me while fingering my pile of forms and papers required for the next year. I was immediately glad I'd already turned in all my summer forms, the pile would have been double, and so would have been the teasing.

"I already told you that last time you were here." I tossed my bag on the chair and went over to grab the pile from him

"I know." he smiled at me; his big goofy brute grin, dropped the stack of papers just as I was getting ready to grab it and threw his arms around me, trapping me in a big bear hug. "But I can still hope!" he said to me before bouncing me around the room.

"Felix!...Don't break me!" I was finally able to get out after forcing air back into my lungs.

"Right B, like that's even possible" he grinned at me again before giving me a quick peck on the cheek and letting me go. "You could have gotten away if you really wanted too" He said with a final wink.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked.

"Why! Isabella Marie Swan, I am shocked! Is that anyway to speak to a guest in your home?" He taunted me with fake dismay.

"You're hardly a guest Felix. More like a nuisance, or a pest..." he threw a pillow at me before I could finish.

Of course he knew I was only teasing him, the same way he always teases me. Felix is the best. After my change it took most of them several months to warm up to me -some of them _still_ thawing, but not Felix, he and I immediately clicked. At first I was afraid that he might like me _too_ much, but I soon realized that that just wasn't the case, we've been close ever since.

He's always reminded me of someone though, like an older brother, but I could never put my finger on it. That probably has more to do with the fact that I don't remember anything from my human life, and less about me forgetting a specific person, than anything else. Since of course there were no specific people to remember, maybe he does remind me of my older brother?

Regardless, even if there are people out there from my human life, they could never be apart of my existence now, so it doesn't matter. All I really know about my life before this one is my name, my human age and why I was changed. Anything else doesn't seem to matter much, I'm happy, so much so I can't imagine anything before this life that would have been worth looking for. So I haven't. Well, and I can't, it's one of the laws, but I don't want to anyway so it doesn't bother me.

"Did you need another break from the Ice Princess?" I laughed at him while he was making faces over my summer class schedule.

"Always." he said with mock shivers, running his hands up and down his arms as if to warm himself up.

Jane has that affect on people, not me, but other people definitely. She's never been able to get to me with her power, even when I mastered the ability to completely pull back my shield, she's never been able to really use her ability on me. I've let her -once, and that was enough, and I only allowed it to happen for a fraction of a second before my instincts took over and shut her out. It's not even a choice really, my ability reacts to the attack and protects me.

She's definitely one who's still thawing out to me. I can only guess that it's because she doesn't have the same power over me she holds over everyone else in the guard, and Felix agrees with me on that, but he thinks it's something more. He thinks Aro's fondness of me has a lot more to do with it than anything else.

Aro; although he never forces people to stay with him, has also never before let a member of his guard be 'on call' either. I'm the first. After the first couple of years with them I started to get bored. My presence isn't required full time like Jane or even Felix is, that's when I started to search for something to occupy my time.

I couldn't really do much in the human world, I'd thought about a job but I'd be limited to what I could do, and that seemed just as boring as sitting around the castle all day, so that's when I decided on school. I'd already read through the library in the castle, and had taken a few online courses when I finally found myself looking into the University of Pisa.

Surprisingly it didn't take much convincing for Aro, Caius and Marcus to agree (so maybe there is a little something to Felix's theory) and soon I was off taking classes, getting called back for visits every couple of months and more often if my duty required it.

"You know it's just because she likes you so much more than anyone else Lex, that's why she treats you so differently." I continued to tease him, he hates it when I put them together in an imaginary coupling.

"Hilarious." he sneered while giving me his death glare "Maybe when we get back to the castle the four of us could all get together, Jane, me, you and Demitri, we could double date."

"Ouch." I flinched internally at the thought. Jane is to Felix as Demitri is to me, but _not,_ at the same time. He always makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable, something else I couldn't put my finger on.

"Actually B, Aro wants you to come home for awhile." he said stretching out on the couch, obviously it wasn't an emergency "he 'requires your assistance' '' he finished with air quotes.

"Why didn't you just call? I could have been there hours ago?"

"Break from the Ice Princess remember? Jeez Bella, try and keep up!" I threw the pillow back at him.

"Well, we should go then" I stood up from where I was sitting "I can see you had a _snack_ before coming here, but I'll need to hunt." I chided him while pointedly looking in his glowing eyes.

I had become used to their eating habits, and tried to be as light about it as I possibly could, but it was still hard, mostly I just tried not to think about it now.

"Hey, I tried it your way Bella." He jumped up from the couch, unaffected by my jab.

"You could have tried it longer, maybe you'd even like it by now"

"Ditto." he chaffed as I cringed.

In the beginning I didn't know there was another way and it is true, I killed and drank from humans my first years as a vampire. I hated it. I hated it so much, that after my newborn thirst began to wane and I could more easily control it and the need to consume, I began to starve myself. I would go weeks upon weeks without so much as a drop of blood until the need completely took me over and I gave in to the thirst.

It was just over my second year with the guard when I meet someone who lived another way. Her name was Irina, she had to come to the Volturi to report to them, something I wasn't allowed in on.

I was still new to the guard and wasn't included in all of their business dealings, but afterward had been introduced to her. She had the strangest color of eyes I had ever seen, nothing close to what I had become used to as a vampire, and so I questioned her about it.

That's when she told me about her family, how they all lived, only drinking from animals in the forests. She said that her family lived among humans, interacted with them on a daily basis. At first I thought she was ridiculous, but she told me of another family that lived like hers did. I was so intrigued by the idea, and disgusted with my own eating habits that I asked her to take me hunting.

It was disgusting. But I found that it didn't make me feel sick and there was absolutely no guilt tied to it whatsoever. So I continued on, and soon my eyes were the same weird golden color of topaz that hers had been when we meet. And I've never looked back, it freed me, that was really the moment I had realized my bliss. Before I was happy with my vampire life, but not completely, and after meeting Irina everything changed. I was _truly_ happy, and with my new eyes and diet, I found myself able to interact with humans like she had said, and now I do.

"Are you coming or not? I am more than capable of going by myself."

"Oh I know Bella, but yes, I would love to join you for dinner. Thank you for inviting me." He teased.

I rolled my eyes as we headed into the wilderness and back to Volterra.

(12/13/10)

**A/N Please leave comments! Thank you for reading! =)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Wanted**

I was glad to see Felix's eyes had at least lost the blazing glow of red by the time we were back at the castle in Volterra. He was a good sport and feed from two large game while I hunted my fill.

We had entered through the underground tunnels and had just exited the elevator when we ran into Demitri. We were laughing fairly loudly at our own joke when I spotted him. He was as cool and composed as he ever was, turning slightly away from the newest human receptionist toward the sound of laughter, something I was sure he knew nothing about. He gave us (me) a once over, nodded and then turned his attention back to the woman. I looked up at Felix just as he looked down at me, he rolled his eyes which caused us both to start laughing again like a bunch of idiots.

I grabbed onto Felix's arm in an effort to get us out of the room faster, we'd almost made it when Demitri suddenly appeared in front of us.

"Something funny?" he questioned in his controlled voice.

I looked up at Felix again, he knew how uncomfortable around Demitri I was, and all joking aside he always bailed me out when it came to him directly. Of course I could hold my own, I was excellent at hiding my emotions, but whenever possible I let Felix take over for me.

Felix smirked at me then looked at Demitri with a shrug "It's nothing, just an inside joke about Bella's weird eating habits." he looked at me again, and with his free hand (the one I wasn't clinging to) ruffled my hair like a little kid. "You wouldn't get it."

I smacked him in the arm and fixed my hair, catching Demitri's sight. He didn't look convinced, he just stared down at me with that impassive gaze of his.

After a few uncomfortable seconds he finally spoke "Bella, it's nice to have you back where you belong." With that he nodded to me, looked at Felix, turned and walked away.

Demitri was one that didn't agree with me not living with the guard twenty-four seven, and he never hid the fact that he didn't approve either. He thought that I should always be here with them and didn't understand my need for other things, or more specifically -school.

When it was first decided that I was allowed to leave and live outside of the castle he objected fervently, so much so he had convinced Caius and had Marcus wavering, both who had originally agreed to the idea with very little effort on my part.

After a much heated debate Jane finally spoke up, taking 'my side' saying that I was right, I wasn't needed the way the rest of them were and I should be allowed to go. I of course knew it was for her own benefit, but I didn't mind if she were helping my case.

Felix agreed with Demitri, but he did it for other reasons; he just wanted me around, but in the end he knew it was something I really wanted and needed to do so he agreed with Jane. Ultimately it was Aro who changed Caius and Marcus's minds (back), whenever Aro agreed to something or believed in it, they usually followed his lead, trusting his judgment entirely.

The strain between Demitri and I only grew after that, which I was even more grateful for my leave because of it. And each time I come home, he makes sure to say something to me about being 'where I belong'. _Ugh._

After Demitri was out of sight I feigned fainting and fell against Felix, which caused him to chuckle as he bent over to scoop me up and fling me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

I started to squirm and bang on his back to let me down when I heard a quiet snicker behind us, I lifted my head to see the human receptionist covering her mouth with a smile. I smiled back at her and held my finger up to my mouth 'shh', I winked at her while quickly and quietly telling Felix to let me down.

He heard her laugh too, so he didn't hesitate when I told him to put me down. Jane would be furious if she knew we were acting so unprofessionally in front of the help, not to mention what Demitri would say.

We quickly left the room once Felix had put me down, not talking, touching or even looking at each other.

We made it a little further down the hall before I finally said to him "I should go see Aro before you get me in real trouble"

"Ha! Please Bella! _I_ don't get _you_ into trouble"

"Oh really?" I asked him sarcastically.

"Yes really, before you showed up there would have been none of this non-sense -_super shield_." He raised an eyebrow to me, a gesture of challenge. He was exaggerating of course, but I remember my first year or so here, it wasn't as 'laid back' as it appears to be now.

"If you were to leave" He continued, "they'd put my shackles back on! Like in one of those labor camps!" he laughed, but there was an edge to his tone, truth of some degree laced in the words.

We were back to teasing and joking as we rounded the last corner before getting to the meeting room. Demitri was on guard at the door, catching the tail end of our conversation.

"Lucky for you then isn't it _detainee_ that I have no intentions of leaving!"

"Glad to hear that Bella." Demitri said looking down on me, again catching me in his sight. "Does that mean you'll be staying indefinitely then? Dropping school and the ridiculous idea of a college degree?"

"No. It doesn't mean that at all Demitri." I finally had to respond to him. "Will the elders see me now?" I continued so he couldn't respond to me about the topic of my schooling.

"Of course, they've been expecting you." He knew what I had done, you could see it in his eyes, but he was too professional to go back to a dropped topic when business had been presented to him.

He led us the rest of the way and into the large room where the leaders were waiting. As soon as the door began to open I instinctively pushed out my shield, wrapping up Felix first and then including Demitri, immediately glad I did when we were fully in the room.

"Hello Jane, so nice to see you again." I turned to look in her direction. As soon as she was able to fix her eyes on me she instantly began emitting her power, trying to catch me off guard. When that didn't work, she quickly moved onto Felix, knowing that would get a rise out of me.

I turned back to Demitri when I saw the beginnings of frustration appear on her face, he was looking at me when I turned around "And you can thank me later." I said to him, watching his reaction as my words sank in. Realizing she'd turned on him he looked away to face her, understanding and relief evident in his features.

"Bella dear! How wonderful to see you" Aro said blithely, holding out his arms to me.

"Father" I adorned as we embraced.

Aro preferred the one's he sired to call him something more affectionate when in private, only wanting for formalities when on duty.

"I'm so glad to have you home with us dear one" He pulled back just enough to kiss the top of my head. "Let me see what you've been up to since I saw you last." With that we pulled back to smile at each other.

He gently took my offered hand into both of his, I pulled my shield back just enough to let him read me without exposing Felix or Demitri.

I'd been gone for just under three months since my last visit, so it wasn't but a few moments later he released my hand with another approving smile. "Ah Bella, you make me proud. I see you've completed your Bachelors degree is Philosophy. Are you planning on accepting the T.A. position after next year?"

"I haven't decided yet" I said to him taking back my hand and moving toward the others. "It might be difficult at times with the sun. And of course my duties here."

I walked over to where Marcus was still seated "Bella" he said to me affectionately, rising from his throne. "It's so nice to you, I trust you have been well since our last visit?"

"Yes Uncle, thank you." I said to him as we released from our hug.

I was the only one who called Marcus something other than his name or master. It was not something that was asked, but since the first time I addressed him as Uncle, he's never objected to it. Instead, seeming as though he enjoys it, or even appreciates it. After losing Didyme I was told he withdrew from everyone, barely taking an interest in his own life, much less everyone else.

Because of his loss and sadness I've always felt connected to him, a kind of kindred spirit of sorts, I'd always felt close to him because of it, I applied it to family terms and decided Uncle fit him best, and so Uncle he's always been to me.

Caius on the other hand was nothing but Caius. Closer to my own age than Aro or Marcus he never held the same reverie for me as the other two had, I'm sure if asked he would say the same of me. He's never treated me any differently than the rest of the guard, but never worse either. He was very steady in his position, very little gray area with him, if any at all. Always polite, but not warm.

"Hello Caius." I said turning to face him with a smile.

"It's nice to have you here with us once again Isabella." He greeted me in his usual evenness.

"Thank you, I'm glad to be home."

I went back over to stand next to Felix and Demitri, the room, after my greetings with the elders, silently shifted, formality taking friendly's place as we began into business.

"Now that we are all here Aro," Caius addressed the room "we should proceed with the requisitive search to put this matter to rest once and for all."

"Yes" Aro agreed with him as he began wondering the room. He did this sometimes when he was gathering his thoughts, weighing what and how to say what was on his mind.

"As most of you know, we've been watching a situation for a while now" He began and then stopped in front of me as he made a pass around the room. "Bella dear, this will all be news to you." he told me before continuing.

"We've been getting increasing reports of an uprising within our race, a group who intend to strike against us. Today however we received information from a more reliable source than any in the past."

A low but involuntary hiss escaped the lips of some members of the guard, the thought of anyone striking against us for simply protecting them was contemptuous. We didn't appreciate our duty, which we all took very seriously, being thwarted and undermined.

"We've been watching the situation, but only from a distance." Caius continued "Our informants have given us all the information they have and they are no longer a reliable source for further investigation into the matter."

" A few nomadic members of our race have also reported notice of this group as well, but they too, are an unreliable source." Aro added.

"It is time we set out ourselves to learn of this group of miscreants, they must be dealt with swiftly and decidedly, an uproar like this could undermine our entire society, expose us in dangers ways." Caius informed us.

"However," Aro took over again "They must be given the benefit of the doubt, our information must be pure and untainted, under our laws they must be allowed to defend themselves against false accusation." He said, turning to face the guard members.

When a scouting party was sent out it always included Demitri, Felix, Jane, Alec and myself, he was pointedly speaking to us now.

"We need accurate information in order to ensue lawful dealings with this group. We trust that you will be very thorough in your analysis, reporting back to us before any action is to be taken." Aro instructed before turning to go sit next to his brothers.

"Demitri you will need to inform Felix and Isabella of your course of action since they were not here when your strategy was decided on." Caius informed us "Afton and Chelsea will also be accompanying you on this assignment. Although we don't anticipate trouble or expect you to defend yourselves, we are preparing for every possibility of advantage to you, because of the unusual nature of these reports."

It isn't often that Afton joins our party, but his power can be of great use when in the right situation. He is a magnifier, but only when physically in contact with another who is actively using there gift, he then amplifies their emission exceedingly.

During a field test of our powers Afton was able to increase my shield expansion by double, which is very impressive considering alone I've been measured to emit just over a half mile in distance. Demitri was able to increase his sense of tracking, the distance is which he is able to pick up the sense didn't increase but strength of it did. Alec's ability increased in speed, taking only half the time it normally does to reach his targets.

No one was willing to test out Jane's ability with Afton's increase, so we can only assume her results are just as impressive as all the others.

I'm not sure of the reasoning for including Chelsea on the mission, she's never been on any other assignment before. I don't fully understand her ability, all I know is that she strengthens our bonds with one another, so I suppose that in theory she could be useful during an assignment like this one or even during a confrontation with an enemy, keeping use united and focused is never a bad thing when in the field.

"You will leave at Twilight." Caius concluded.

As silently as business began, it ceased just as quietly.

Everyone split off, moving to finish previous discussion, while others began engaging in new ones.

Sulpicia and Athenodora came to me as soon as the meeting was over, the wives of Aro and Caius.

Sulpicia, although her mate preferred me to call him father when in private, was Aunt Sulpicia. In the beginning I had approached her more formally calling her Lady Sulpicia, but she quickly squashed that title, informing me 'Sulpicia will do', but she was more than just her name to me. Like Marcus, she reminded me of family, so with her permission I began addressing her as Aunt.

Athenodora was sister, like Caius she was very close to my human age, but unlike him she was very friendly and warm. She truly was like a sister, we talked almost as frequently as Felix and I do and when I'm home I spend equal amounts of time with both of them.

"Bella!" They both crooned as they approached me, each taking their turn for a hug.

"Oh it's so good to have you home with us again" Sulpicia thrilled.

"Thank you Aunt, I'm so glad to see you." I smiled at her, giving her another hug. During my last visit I didn't get to spend much time with her, so I was truly happy to see her this time around.

"And you sister, why didn't you tell me you were coming! I would have meet you straight away!" Athenodora teased "Made you change out of these hideous clothes!" her and Sulpicia giggled at my attire.

And with that they were off, we talked about my schooling, what they have been doing since my last visit, what I will be doing when I return from my business trip, insisting that a shopping trip is on the schedule before I return to school.

We had been talking for quite some time when I finally noticed Felix impatiently waiting by the door. When I eventually made eye contact with him he gave me 'the look' I couldn't help but chuckle at him, he really looked pitiful.

"We better let you visit with the others." Sulpicia tittered after seeing the look on Felix's face.

"Yes, we'll have plenty of time when you get back" Athenodora added "you'd better hurry, before he explodes." She added quietly, as if he wouldn't hear her jab towards him.

"I guess, it must be something important by the way he's acting." I teased. I could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

"Bye dear." Sulpicia said excusing herself and rejoining Aro.

"Take your cell, call me when you get bored." Athenodora winked to me as she was leaving "I have secrets to tell you" she added in a whisper.

I already knew that whatever they were, I didn't want to know.

"It's about time!" Felix hollered exasperatedly as I approached him.

"Oh stop! Now lets go before you make a scene." I grabbed him by the arm and began dragging him out the door.

We almost made it, a few more steps and we would have been home free...

"Bella."

I internally groaned, slowly letting out my sigh before turning around "Yes Demitri?"

"I need to talk to you."

(12/16/10)


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Itinerary**

Demitri and I went down the hall into a private meeting room. After I agreed to speak with him he didn't say anything more after that, instead just leading the way to the room we were in now. I was a bit nervous to say the least, I had no idea what he would need to talk to me about, especially privately.

Once inside he closed the door behind us as I went across the room to wait for him to begin, he didn't say anything for a few moments, instead looked at me for a second and then started to pace around the room. He reminded me of Aro just then, looking deep in thought as he wondered the space before speaking.

"Bella," he began, and then paused, as if to change his mind about whatever he was originally planning to say. "How, are you doing in school?" He finally asked.

I looked at him a little abashed, Demitri could care less about school _or_ how I was doing in it, by the return look he gave me, I'm sure my features relayed as much.

"School's great..." I said to him anyway, it sounded more like a question than an answer.

"Good. That's good." He continued uncomfortably. "I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying it. I know that I haven't been very supportive, but I'm still glad you are happy Bella."

"I am, thank you."

Another awkward silence.

"Was there something you needed to speak with me about Demitri?" I finally asked. More than anything, I wanted to run out of the room, but he was standing in front of the door at the moment, so instead I asked the question.

"Yes." he said eyeing me. "I'm sorry, this is very unprofessional isn't it." He seemed to be getting flustered and started speaking more quickly, it sounded like he was diverting from whatever he originally wanted to talk about and instead started with business. "I wanted to go over assignment details with you, I apologize for not getting right to the point." he finished in a rush.

"OK, well, we should get Felix then." I said taking a step forward.

"No. I'll speak with Felix privately." He told me strictly. "I have some other things I need to speak with him about, it is just easier this way."

"Alright." I muddled concede.

I pulled out a chair at the small table that was in the office room and took a seat, Demitri came over and sat with me, filling me in on everything that I missed and what had been decided on for pursuit tactics.

We would be leaving tonight just as Caius had told us. Our current employment would take us over seas, into the United States and provinces of Canada. The leads we would be following spread out all over the northern and western hemispheres, and some in the southern as well. The majority of them were concentrated in the US, and would take the most time.

We had no way of knowing which leads would prove to be true, and were tasked with investigating them all. We would begin in the southern hemisphere, eliminating the smaller accounts first, then working our way up into the states before finishing with the provinces.

Our expedition would take much longer than I had originally anticipated, I was surprised by the amount of data we would be following up on and a bit concerned that we were only now being sent out to investigate. The witness testimony alone would take weeks, and that's only if they prove to all be false leads. Any concordant of facts would require more examination during our trip, continuing our search and increasing the amount of time to our junket.

I would not make it back in time for my summer class schedule and would need to cancel those before leaving. Demitri must have guessed I would be thinking of that once he finished telling me of our plans.

"If we had known it had gotten this far, we would have said something to you sooner Bella."

"Of course Demitri, I know that." I said to him with a smile, trying very hard to hid my chagrin. I was really looking forward to my summer classes and now it looks like I will not be able to attend them at all.

"I am sorry, if we didn't need you, of course you could stay." He said to me with concern, I guess my disappointment was evident after all.

"Don't be ridiculous." I told him. "You know that my duty comes first. Regardless, this is far more important than any writing class will ever be." I told him very truthfully. Yes, I was upset, but never enough to stay behind and thwart my obligation.

My sense of loyalty must have pleased him; he smiled at me with such adoration that I had to look away. He wasn't one to display emotion and _never_ have I seen him regard favor.

"If that's everything?" I stuttered out, allowing just a glance to his face. "I have some things to get in order before we go."

"Yes, of course." He said with a deep intonation of approval, while rising from his chair.

I was still so unnerved by his display I wasn't moving as fast as I should have been, he moved behind me to pull out my chair, and then to the door to open it for me.

"I'll see you in a few hours then Bella." He smiled at me again with a nod before turning away.

I watched after him for a few seconds before turning to leave in the opposite direction. I walked a few feet down the hallway, still in a daze over our last moments together, before finally concluding:

"That was the weirdest thing ever." I mumbled to myself as I headed to my room.

(12/19/10)

**~Please Review~**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Break**

The trip had taken longer than originally anticipated. After about three months of us being gone and with even more conflicting and misleading information, Aro finally called us home for a more 'thorough' report.

We had talked to several groups of people. All with the same basic information, but completely different at the same time. It has been very frustrating to say the least.

We had covered most of the states, even back tracking through some by the time we were called home, leaving some areas to return to at a later date.

Throughout our travels we heard some of the same things again and again, same story; different mouth. Some however were strange stories of collaboration between our race and children of the moon. We had yet to follow up on any of these accounts, dismissing them as ridiculous fabrications from some of our more creative members.

By the time we had made it home, it was yet another week later. Each of us had taken our private meeting with Aro, reporting to him silently and again vocally to all three elders, before finally reporting a third time as a group. This was the way it generally went with our debriefings, it seemed like over kill to me, but they felt as though it was the best way to get all the information, so much so they could almost attest to all events as if they had actually been there themselves if need be.

After they had all the information, they excused us for a private meeting of there own. During the short break we each split respectively to our private chambers before being called back to the bureau. After discussing the stranger parts of our informed dealings, they decided to send us out again to investigate further into the matter.

We left again immediately and followed leads that took us into Russia, Nepal, Angola, Argentina, Australia and then again to Canada, finishing up in the states before finally making it back to Italy. By the time it was all said and done we had been gone an additional three months.

Upon our arrival and after our promulgate, Aro informed us of his own material. During our course home he had received company; an old friend who had spent a ample amount of time with the Volturi many years ago, someone that Aro believed in enough to proclaim his information as proof.

His account would be that the race we were investigating were not children of the moon, but in fact something completely different, yet much the same. They were shape shifters, humans who could transform themselves into an animal appearance, and in this case; wolves, which would explain the stories that lead us to believe they had been children of the moon.

Aro's friend believed he could talk to and reason with the race of shape shifters, relaying that he had successfully negotiated a treaty with them in the past and thought of no reason they wouldn't be open to discussion now.

The whole of us were confused as to why Aro had agreed to let his friend embark on an emissary mission on behalf of the Volturi, and speak with a group that was set out to invade us, but Aro explained that his friend informed him the group was much larger than we had realized and that it would be in our best interest to engage them diplomatically, instead of as a threat. His friend believed he would be able to speak with the leader of the race and discuss the reasons behind there careful advance and hopefully find a peaceful solution instead, believing it all to be some sort of mistake or misunderstanding.

At one point during our meeting Aro had said "I know that with our talented guard members we have nothing to fear, but it would be such a shame if any of our supporters were to be harmed during a battle, when if instead we could come to some sort of peaceful resolution with the shape shifters. After all, we have done nothing to them to incite such an hasty war between our two races, I see no reason why we shouldn't be able to co-exist in the world and come to some sort of reasonable solution."

Aro, afterward, informed us that we would not being going out for further investigation, but instead wait to hear from his friend and of any news on the matter.

We all had been gone for so long at this point, that we were beyond disagreeing with the decision and happy to oblige.

Aro didn't expect his friend to be back with any new information for several weeks, which gave us at least that long of a guaranteed break.

We had all spent so much time together, that immediately after the meeting was adjourned we again split off to our rooms for a much needed break.

During our investigative travels we would sometimes stay in hotels to clean up before moving to another part of a county, but once I was alone in my room I found myself longing for a nice hot shower; as if it _had_ been months since I'd had one.

After soaking in a steaming bath for nearly an hour, I managed to convince myself to get out. I pick the most comfortable clothes I could find; old sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt, and threw my hair up in a messy bun.

Grabbing several books from my shelves and my iPod, I settled in my soft bed and let myself relax. I was blissfully happy, comfortable and content; nothing would have made me happier,_ except _complete privacy.

I hadn't been settled or had gotten very far in my first book when I heard Athenadora's footsteps feathering down the hall.

Our private quarters in the castle were as sound proof as they could possibly be. A human would never hear anything, regardless if they were inside or out; but we were vampires, so although the volume was muted, it was hardly silent.

"Bella?" Athenadora knocked on the door.

"Go away Athena, I'm sleeping."

"Oh come on! I haven't seen you in forever!" She whined.

"We saw each other three months ago and we've talked on the phone every week since, it's not as though we are strangers."

"That doesn't count!" She retorted, after I reluctantly let her in my room. "We couldn't _really_ talk while you were gone, but you're back; so now we can." She smirked at me, throwing herself on the bed

"No." I told her firmly looking straight into her eyes. I knew what she was wanting to talk about, it was the same thing she had been trying to tell me since before the first time we had left on assignment. Her 'secret' was driving her crazy she wanted to tell me so bad, apparently it would 'blow my mind' if I'd just let her spill it.

"Why not! You don't even know what I'm going to say!"

Athena was a horrible gossip, and although what she had to say was always true, I've also found through experience that it's _always_ better _not_ to know.

"That's the point! I don't want to know!"

"Come on Ell! It SO good!" She begged. "Please, let me tell you already! It's killing me!" She grasped my hands, squeezing them with feigned desperation in her eyes. "Please?"

"No. Now stop!" I chuckled at her pitiful expression. "Just let it go already, whatever it is, I don't care!"

"UGH! You are SO boring!" she groaned, flipping herself over so she was lying flat on the bed. "It's about you for Christ sakes! Most people want to know when it involves them!"

"All the more reason not too." I told her dismissively.

I was curious, I'll admit, but I still didn't want to know; especially because it was about me. Obviously if it were really important, she would have told me right away, but this was gossip; so I wanted nothing to do with it. Not to mention the fact that it also involved Demitri. She'd let that 'slip' over the phone during one of our conversations, hoping it would entice me to finally let her tell me, but much to her dismay it had to opposite effect, after that I'd began refusing her even more adamantly than before.

"Fine." She conceded and changed the subject. Athena was easily swayed that way, moving on from one thing to another. She'd never give up, but was too busy to dwell; she'd just save it to come back to another day.

After staying awhile longer, she moved herself from my bed telling me "After you've taken some quiet time for yourself, Sulpicia and I are still taking you shopping." I groaned.

She rolled her eyes and went to the door "You have three days." She said to me finally, and with a smirk shut the door behind her.

And three full days I did have...by myself, with NO interruptions. It. Was. Bliss.

(1/11/11)

~Please Review, and thank you for reading!~


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Unexpected**

Felix, Alec, Santiago, Heidi and I were all returning from a weekend hunting trip a few weeks later. None of them particularly enjoyed the animal blood, but rather the sport of it. Over the years everyone had come along at some point, most of them a couple times only, but some of them more frequently.

This was my usual group of 'tag-a-longs'. The freedom and exhilaration of the hunt, as it turns out, was the biggest draw to the 'vegetarian diet'. Allowing yourself to succumb to the thrill of the hunt was an amazing release.

We had all come through the tunnels, like Felix and I had the last time I came home, and were greeted by Demitri.

It had been several weeks since our latest return and we were expecting news from Aro's friend any day now.

"We've received word" Demitri said vaguely. "When you've cleaned up, we are meeting in the gathering room." He said looking all us over with dismay before turning to leave.

We were all messy and a bit disheveled in our appearance. Evidently we all had a really good time by the look of us.

We all quickly cleaned up and met in the conference room just as we had been told.

The room was crowed with the entire guard, a low murmur over the room as everyone conversed and speculated about the meeting and news.

I made my way to the front of the room to stand next to Felix just as Aro, Caius and Marcus came in. The room hushed at the sight of the elders as we waited for the meeting to start.

Marcus and Caius took their seats while Aro addressed the members.

"Welcome!" He enthused to the crowed. "We are so pleased that you all made it here today."

Most of the guard had been called back from duty to be at this meeting. There were well over one hundred guard members under the Volturi and close to that number were here in this room. Over the last several years the elders decided to increase the guard members, allowing for more opportunity to keep order within the race.

Once word got out that the Volturi were 'recruiting' the castle had been swarmed with potentials vying for their chance to serve. We have quite an eclectic group because of it, some amazing talents and gifts could be found throughout the guard now.

"We have called you all here today to join us in an important journey we must all take together. We have discovered a new race of people." He continued. "They call themselves shape shifters. As most of you know, this group had originally intended to move against us."

Upon saying this the room once again erupted in a low hiss, circulating around the room, just as it had the first time we heard this information.

Aro raised his hands, patting down the air to quiet the room so he could continue.

"I know that this is a distressing thought, but we have new hope in settling this matter. A dear and loyal friend of the Volturi has negotiated a peaceful meeting with the group and it's leaders. After speaking with the shape shifters it was discovered that they had been misinformed and given improper information about us. The shape shifters we acting to protect themselves, under the false assumption that we were moving against them." He paused for a brief moment.

"It has been arranged for us to meet in a central and neutral location so that we may discuss the matter and the possibility of a treaty."

"We have asked you all here, not to join us in battle, but to accompany us in a united front to meet new friends." He said to the group emphasizing the word friends before beginning to pace the room before continuing.

"This race is large and powerful. We do not wish to make enemies of them." He said very deliberately, making it clear that this was the mission and nothing else, but then added "Of course if we should have to, we will defend ourselves."

This was so different than anything we had ever experienced before and the first time the whole guard was called to one mission.

"We will leave for our journey in two days. You should use this time to prepare yourselves." He finished.

Marcus and Caius stood from their thrones once Aro had concluded, the three of them retired to their private study which was located just off the room we were currently in.

Several conversations erupted all at once, once the leaders had left the room. This was a fascinating time for our people and the Volturi. Meeting a race we didn't know existed, negotiating a peaceful treaty with said race and the largest Volturi gathering in the history of the guard. The excitement and anticipation was almost tangible.

Felix and I were chatting with Chelsea and Afton about our positions for the meeting when Demitri joined us.

Afton would be assisting my ability during our confrontation so I could keep the whole of the guard covered at all times. Demitri informed us that while we were gone he had assigned positions to all the members based on their abilities and usefulness in defense and protection.

Our mind controllers would form the outer layer of our formation, followed by those with matter control. Our brute force and incapacitating members would round out last, with Afton, Chelsea, Alec and myself taking up in the center.

We discussed our strategy a bit more and once the details had been decided on I excused myself to my room. My nerves felt like they had been lit up with a match and I needed space from all the powerful emotions that were surrounding me in the room.

I had just gotten out of the shower and had dressed down in my sweats again when I heard a knock at the door. I hadn't heard the approach so I knew who it must have been.

I had just finished towel drying my hair, so I quickly ran a brush through the locks before going to open the door.

Demitri stood on the other side, he had his head down and as he began to look up at me I was immediately embarrassed by my appearance because of the look on his face. He had never seen me so casual. For Demitri it was all business all the time. I was mortified and regretted not changing before answering the door.

His eyes widened in shock before taking on a look I had never seen before.

"Demitri..." I began to stutter out "I had no idea you were coming, or I would have put something more appropriate on."

When he didn't immediately respond, I began again, trying to apologize for appearance.

"I'm sorry," I said to him "If you can give me just a minute I will change..."

"No." He said cutting me off before I could even finish.

He then stepped into my room, causing me to take a step back at his sudden approach and closed the door behind him with one hand, while the other reached out towards me.

Demitri wrapped his hand around the side of my face, pulling me to him as he bent down, pressing his lips to mine.

His kiss was hungry; his lips strong and decided as they moved against mine. He wrapped his hand firmly around my head, while his other hand pressed solidly against my back as he pulled me to him, his big body heavily closing in around mine.

I was surprised by the kiss; dazed by the urgency and greed of passion and shocked by my response. I found myself reaching up to wrap myself around him, pulling us that much closer together.

When we finally looked at each other, still wrapped around one another, we just stared into each others eyes before finally breaking, and splitting apart, putting a huge gap between us.

I was across the room and had turned my back to him, facing the window as I fingered my lips, the taste of him still on my tongue.

"Bella..." He started to say and then stopped.

I turned around to face him after a few moments when nothing else was said. As soon as I looked at him, he instantly crossed the room, placing himself in front of me again.

"I didn't mean to force myself on you like that." He said when I looked up at him and into his eyes.

"You didn't." I assured him, my response was evident of that.

He raised his hand to my face, brushing away a wayward strand of hair from my eyes. "I came here tonight to speak with you, I didn't intend for that to happen." He said to me, letting his hand linger.

"Of course." I told him, beginning to feel embarrassed. I lowered my eyes, ashamed of my reaction, shaking my head as I brushed past him.

"Don't misunderstand Bella." He said turning around reaching out to me, grabbing me to turn me back around to face him. "I've wanted to do that for quite some time now, I just didn't intend for it to happen like it did."

"What?" I asked, letting the confusion I felt out with the word.

He smiled at my obvious bewilderment before explaining. "I'm not surprised that you didn't know, but I've been interested in you for awhile now."

"Demitri, I didn't even think you liked me." I told him honestly.

He chuckled at my admission, but continued "Bella, I came here tonight so that you would know of my interest in you. I've wanted to tell you for so long now, but have never found the right time. And with our assignment coming up, I needed you to know, I couldn't put it off any longer. I wanted to wait for the appropriate time to tell you, but I realized that with our jobs, there never would be and I wanted you to know before we left."

He paused for a moment, while looking in my eyes "I would like very much if you would consider seeing me as someone more than just your working partner."

I was looking at him, waiting for him to say anything more before understanding that he was waiting for me to answer. I didn't know what to think, and I didn't want to say anything is haste so I told him "I'll need some time to think, this is all so sudden."

"I know, and I apologize for that, take whatever time you need." He nodded in agreement.

We were still standing close together, his hands holding around my arms. This time when he bent to kiss me, he did it slow and deliberate. It wasn't as fueled as the first, but still powerful, his lips heavy against mine.

He pulled away slightly and whispered "But not too long." He said with a smile, his cool breath tickling against my face.

Demitri then walked back to the door and turned to say "Goodnight Bella." before disappearing out the door.

**(1/16/11)**

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	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: Meeting**

"I tried to tell you." Athena gloated while I waited for her to change.

"Well, you could have tried harder." I said trying to sound stern. Her 'mind blowing' secret was that of Demitri's interest in me romantically. Apparently she had over heard and eavesdropped on a private conversation between him and Afton, and heard Demitri ask Afton for advice.

"So what are you going to tell him?" She said while slipping on her running shoes.

"I'm not really sure yet. It's all so...weird." I shook my head in exasperation. "And it's Demitri!"

She laughed at me before getting serious and said " Bella, I don't think he's as hard core as he appears to be, and I think he's been even more guarded around you because of his attraction."

"He hates me Athena. Or, at least I _thought_ he did two days ago!"

"You've never seen the way he looks at you when your not looking. I have. That's not hate sweetheart."

"ugh." I groaned while flopping back against the chair I was sitting in. It had been two days since Demitri's admission and our kiss, and I wasn't any less confused about it now than I was then.

"Well, whatever you decided you'll need to at least come up with something to tell him fast, we are leaving in a few hours and you won't be able to avoid him any longer."

"I know." I agreed with her. I had been avoiding him since our conversation. I was really trying to give it the thought and consideration it deserved, but I was embarrassed to see him. "Is it supposed to be this complicated?" I asked her after a few minutes.

"I don't know." She admitted. "Caius and I have been together for a very long time, and it was a different era. I'm not sure what the decorum is these days."

"What do you mean?"

"Caius and I are very old Bella." She laughed at me before continuing. "We when were beginning out, it was all very proper and deliberately slow. Those were the times we lived in, there were no stolen kisses or admission of feelings right away. Even as vampires we are still subject to our surroundings, and our relationships weren't on display the way they are now."

I thought about that for a while and decided that that was what was missing. It was all very sudden and rushed, and I didn't really know Demitri expect for professionally, had we come from the time that Caius and Athenadora came from, we would have gotten to know each other before anything else ever happened.

Once I realized this, I knew what I wanted and had to do. I got up from my chair in a hurry to leave. "Thanks, I'll see you in a while." I said to Athena before rushing out the door.

Everyone was getting ready to leave so I figured my best bet would be to go to Demitri's room to look for him there first.

Timidly I knocked on the door, and then began to wring my hands together in nervous anticipation. I heard him as he moved off his bed; the springs squeaking at the shift of his weight, followed by his soft steps as he walked to the door.

"Bella." He said with a smile as he opened the door to greet me. "Please come in." He gestured with his hand to his open room.

I had never been in Demitri's room before and found that I was strangely curious now that the opportunity had presented itself.

It was exactly how I would have pictured it, but more elegant than I would have imagined. All the wood was dark and heavy. The bed; a monster, with huge head and foot boards, the duvet a mixture of deep browns and tawny orange. A large antique writing desk and chair sat on the opposite side, while a seating area with over sized leather furniture was stationed by the window.

I took in the room with awe and wonder, hiding my chagrin at yet another misjudgment I would add to the growing list of erroneous assumptions I've had of his person.

I finally turned to look at him after taking in the full view.

"Hi." I said daintily, giving him a shy smile.

"Would you like to sit?" he asked while gesturing to his sitting area.

"No, I'm alright, thank you."

"Alright." He said after a few seconds pause.

I knew I was being ridiculous, and causing myself further anxiety and embarrassment by not just saying what I had come to say, so I decided to plow through.

"Demitri, about the other night."

"Yes?" He sounded eager as he straightened up and set his book down.

"I've made a decision. And after a lot of thought, I've finally understood my initial hesitation. I don't know you." I said to him like a question.

"You don't know me?"

"I mean, I don't really know you. I only know you in a professional capacity, we've never gotten to know each other personally. I think that's why I've been struggling to understand how..." I didn't finish, instead I wafted my hand between us.

"Right." He nodded in agreement. "I understand, that makes sense why you would feel that way. I feel as if I know you, I guess, I just assumed that the feeling would be mutual."

"What do you mean" I wasn't sure how he thought he knew me if I didn't know him?

"You're open and are friends with the majority of people here, I hear your conversations and listen when they talk about you. I know you that way, and after eight years, I just felt at though we knew each other. But I see what your saying, you don't know me, I understand that."

He sounded defeated after saying it, as though what I was saying to him was my way of turning him down. He turned away from me, looking in the direction of the window.

"I'd like too." I said to him, feeling guilty by his demeanor, taking a careful step forward.

"What?" He said turning back to me.

"I'd like to get to know you. I'm not rejecting the idea of us..." I let the words air out again. "I'd just like to know you better, personally I mean."

His responding smile was answer enough, he'd thought I was dismissing him and his interest; it was in his eyes, and now having that completely erased, there was hope and excitement -not just his, mine too.

(1/17/11)

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	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Switzerland**

The Island of Newfoundland wasn't Switzerland, but it was neutral. Or as neutral as we could get without being in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. The location, admittedly was closer to their land, so an attack, if they were to advance with one, would be easier for them to accomplish. But we are better swimmers and have the benefit of being so close to the ocean, so it seemed fair.

We'd left in the three days that Aro had given us to prepare, and it took another two days to get to our destination. Our group was too large to travel together, so we ended up having to split up and then meet again before making our way to St. Johns.

Our contact site was in the middle of the Avalon Wilderness Reserve, two miles west of Laden Fields Pond. The meeting was to be held just after sunset. The shape shifters and their leader would meet with the guard and the Elders, with a neutral arbiter to negotiate and speak on behalf of both parties when need be.

After I went to Demitri's room and during our travel we had spent as much of every moment with one another as possible. In the last two and a half days we've done nothing but talk and gotten to know each other, I felt like I knew everything about him now, and likewise having told him everything about me that he didn't already know.

I was surprised at how easy it was to fall in to casual conversation with him. The first few hours we spent together felt like an interview, but after that it's been nothing but enjoyable. We have so much in common, I find myself wondering how I never realized any of this before. We should have been great friends after all these years, or possibly more considering everything I know now.

The most difficult part I found was explaining everything to Felix. He was speechless to say the least. I probably told him fifteen times that I wasn't crazy and that I hadn't been brainwashed or abducted by aliens. He's still having a hard time with it, giving me 'the look' every once in awhile, but he's been getting better. I've included him in some of our conversations so that he would know for himself that I wasn't 'on anything', as if that was even possible.

We traveled on foot from St. Johns to Laden Fields Pond, loosely in formation. Demitri had taken up walking beside me after about thirty minutes of us being in the forest.

"Hey." I said to him once he reached my side, giving him a bright smile.

"Hey yourself."

"Are you picking up anything yet?" I asked.

"Yeah, Aro's friend is there, but I don't know about the shifters, having never met them I have nothing to track."

"How much farther?"

"A hundred miles or so, about an hour if we keep up this pace." He smiled at me again. "So I was thinking..." 

"Whoa!, don't hurt yourself man." Felix cut in our conversation. He was walking with Afton, Chelsea Alec and myself, his position is to cover me if it's needed for defense once we reach the meeting site.

I chuckled at the jab, I couldn't help myself, but Demitri just rolled his eyes and kept on talking as if Felix has said nothing at all.

"...When we get ready to head back and if everything goes smoothly, maybe you and I could travel back together." He looked over at me with a hopeful expression.

"We're already going to be traveling back together Demitri, you're gonna have to be more specific." This time it was Chelsea including herself in our talk.

"Bella." He said to me, ignoring the group again.

"If it gets me away from these fools." I poked my thumb in their direction to indicate I was talking to all of them. "Then yes, I think that would be nice."

"Good." He smiled and nodded to me before taking my hand in his for a quick squeeze. He then returned to the front of the group to lead us the rest of the way.

After Demitri left, Felix 'snuck' up behind me and mocked me with air kisses in my ear, he didn't move away quick enough so I was able to elbow him in the side. "Knock it off you jerk." I said through a quiet laugh.

About forty five minutes later we were close enough to the region that I signaled Demitri I would be raising my shield, he slowed our pace and put us in a tight formation.

I'm not very tall, but I doubt I would have been able to see much even if I had been, there we're anywhere from thirty to forty guard members forming a full circle around me, all I was really able to see were different shades of cloaks and hair.

I knew that we had reached them when the worst burning stench I had ever smelt sliced through my nose and assaulted my senses. Nothing and no one -human, vampire or animal had ever smelt so bad, I guessed it had to be the shape shifters.

I didn't know how many of them there would be, but by the smell I figured there numbers had to have closely matched our own. Once we stopped moving and the stench was at it's strongest, I opted to quit breathing until we were through. It was really awful.

Aro, Marcus and Caius along with their immediate guards and the extras that had been assigned to them began to move forward to address the others.

"Carlisle, my dear friend, it's so good to see you again." He enthused, I had never heard the name before and by his address I guessed that this was the 'old friend' that had negotiated getting us here today.

"Aro." The man said "It's good to see you again as well, thank you for coming today."

"Of course! We want nothing more than this matter to be resolved." he continued "Are these our new friends? These wolves that appear before us?" He asked.

"Yes." Carlisle answered him. "They will be staying in wolf form for the duration of our meeting."

"And how are we to communicate with them?" Caius interjected.

"My son, Edward will translate." Carlisle informed Caius, pleasantly ignoring his short statement. "He has the ability to read thoughts, and will very easily be able to interpret."

"Edward, I feel as though we are old friends! I've heard so much about you."Aro chimed with excitement at Carlisle's introduction of his son. I thought it strange for a fleeting moment at Carlisle introducing Edward as his son, our kind generally don't apply family terms to their coven members, but then of course, I call Aro father when in private, so I quickly dismissed the idea.

"Aro, it's a pleasure." The voice that sounded like velvet which belonged to Edward said. As he spoke, his words were polite, but there was an edge to them, he didn't sound pleased to meet him at all.

"These must be the rest of your family?" Aro continued on in his friendly acknowledgment.

"Yes, this is my wife Esme, and Alice and Jasper." He answered him. "Rosalie and Emmett were unable to make the trip."

"It's such a pleasure. When this matter is resolved we would love for you to visit! All of you are more than welcome anytime." Aro professed.

There was a short pause before he began again.

"Now, Edward, would you be so kind as to introduce us to our guests?"

There was a thudding movement; paws as they passed over bracken ground, before anyone spoke.

"This is Sam Uley." Edward said introducing the leader of the shape shifters. "He is the leader who will be speaking on behalf of the packs."

After the introductions, Aro proceeded with first asking how they came to a decision to attack our race. Aro was not one for indirectness, especially when it involved something as essential as a threat against our people.

The leader explained that he was informed by a member of his pack of a plot in which we planned to take over the world. They believe and have appointed themselves as protectors of the human race and were convinced they were protecting them from us and world domination.

If the situation hadn't been so serious, if would have been laughable. Aro explained that the idea had never crossed our minds, and that in fact The Volturi had themselves protected the humans from such tyranny not so long ago.

"Our world depends on the secrecy and concealment from the humans. We have never, nor do we plan to expose ourselves in such a vulnerable way." He told them at one point.

The conversation continued with the shape shifters questioning Aro about reports and information that they had received that contradicted his statements of falsity. And after a very thorough account on Sams side, Aro answered each accusation with more compelling evidence to support our claim of obscurity than those that had originally been posed.

The exchange progressed with back and forth accusations, questions, answers, reports and accounts for nearly two more hours. I had gotten bored and frustrated after the first thirty minutes of debate and couldn't fathom why it was still continuing, and by the impatient shifting of everyone around me, I figured they all had felt the same.

As much as I wish I could have though, I couldn't allow my mind to wonder. For one; I had a job to do, I was still shielding the whole of us, and couldn't for a moment allow myself to be caught off guard. For two; I was entranced by the translator; Edward. His voice was the weirdest mixture of comfort and familiarity that I had ever heard, but also an unexplained sadness I felt at the sound. I was intrigued by the voice and the emotions that accompanied it.

I could tell by the frequent pauses from both sides and the increase of silent conferences with Aro and the leaders that the session was coming to a close. At this point, nothing but a solid vow on both sides had been agreed on as far as a treaty. It was decided that since we would not be taking over the world to rule the human race, they had no need to engage us in a full on war, and as long as that remained the case, the treaty would stay in effect.

The leaders were agreeing on this point when a loud feral snarl ripped through the silent weald, soon followed by the strangest sound I had ever heard; the ripple of flesh and fur as it contracted and reformed was absolutely bazaar. I didn't have time enough to really examine the sound or long enough time to wish to see if for myself because as soon as the pulsation happened it was followed by a death curdling scream that seethed of pain, horror and anger.

"NOOOO!" the newest reverberation wailed. "You can't do this! We should be killing these leeches not negotiating with them!"

"Jacob!" The translator snarled. "What are you doing!"

"You." the new voice bristled. "You did this! This is your fault!"

The turn of events had stiffened the guard, we were all now on alert at the change and commotion.

"Jacob." Carlisle said. "This isn't the time."

"It's the perfect time bloodsucker! We should have killed you a long time ago, instead of this!"

The same quivering sound followed a moment later; another wolf transforming into human form.

"Jacob, I told you to stand down!" The deep authoritative voice bellowed.

"No." Jacob's voice commanded.

The whole of us were intrigued by what was happening, letting the curiosity get the best of us, some of the guard remembers began to shift around and stand up straighter on their toes to try and get a better look.

"Gentlemen" Aro spoke up. "I believe that this is the point at which we will part and leave you. Having concluded our business here with you, and seeing as how this has nothing to do with us.."

"This has everything to do with you vampires!" Jacob cut off Aro before he could finish speaking. "You killed her! That's the ONLY reason we're here!" he roared.

"What..." The question that fell out of the translators mouth was barely audible, laced and torn with tragic despair. "No. Your lying, that's not true." he continued with such anguish my heart ached for him. The sound of pain in his voice tore through me like a knife, my reaction to his sorrow was puzzling, but I wanted to run to him, comfort him in some way.

"She's dead because of what you did to her you filthy bloodsucker." He seethed to Edward. "And you killed her!"

Aro laughed loudly at the accusation "My dear boy, I am clueless as to who you speak of. I can assure you that I have never killed one of your kind before, believe me, I would have remembered."

"She wasn't a wolf, she was human! She went to you and you killed her!" Jacob continued.

"Alice?" Edward breathed.

"I don't know, I don't know anything! I haven't seen anything in ten years Edward, I don't know!" A tinkling voice pleaded.

"Jacob! Starting a war with them now after all of this won't bring her back!" The unidentified voice spoke again.

"I don't care." He responded deadpan.

"ENOUGH!" Caius interjected. "What is the meaning of this!"

"Jacob here believes that you killed a friend of ours." Carlisle answered him calmly.

"Don't speak for me and don't you _ever_ speak of her, she meant NOTHING to you!"

"Jacob, you don't know what you're talking about." Carlisle continued to say to him, never once raising his voice or betraying any kind of emotion with his words. "Why do you believe that the Volturi killed her."

"She's dead."

"How do you know that?" The question was asked again.

"She would have never left me without another word if she weren't. She wouldn't have abandoned her friends or family; the people she loved. She's dead. There's no other explanation." There was accusation in the words as he finally answered the question. "And the letter. A letter was delivered with her things after five years of her being gone. It was on auto ship. She said she was going to them, and has never been heard from again." he finished saying. "She's dead."

"No." Edward hissed.

"Son, calm down.."

"NO!" He barked. "Jasper! Don't!" he said before turning on Aro, just as the wolf Jacob had "Did you kill her?"

"Edward, I am sorry, but I'm still unsure as to who the both of you are speaking of."

"BELLA!" He shouted at Aro. "Did you kill her!"

Bella? I jolted.

"Oh my!" He laughed out loud again. "Is that what this is all about? The human girl who came to us so many years ago!" he continued to howl.

"Demitri." He said impassively then finished saying "Carlisle, Sam. Please tell me that we are not here under false guise of war, when really are here over a girl?"

While Aro was speaking with the leader of the shape shifts and Carlisle, Demitri had made his way back to me. He didn't say anything, instead just held out his hand in the direction of Aro, indicating that I should follow.

"Aro, this is all news to me, as it is to you." Carlisle assured Aro.

"No matter." Aro swiped his hand in the air upon my approach. "This could have been resolved long ago, without all the theatrics had we known what you were after to begin with." He said looking at the four that were standing the closest to him.

"My dear." He turned to me, raising his hands to brush against my checks before lowering my hood and saying "Will you please assure these people that you are not dead."

(1/21/11)


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Mistaken Identity**

I had no idea what was going on, or why I was being put on display after just mere moments ago we had been in the midst of treaty negotiations. I was certain that this had nothing to do with me. I didn't know any of the other vampires that were in attendance; only the members of the guard and the leaders.

And I was absolutely positive that I had never met any of the shape shifters.

"Master?" I questioned him without looking from his face to the others in question.

Demitri had placed himself in front of me before Aro had lowered my hood, so I was still partially blocked from the wolves and the other vampires, I couldn't see them, so they were unable to see me.

"My dear." Aro said to me. "The wolves and the Cullen's here believe that you are of an acquaintance to them and they are under the false assumption that you are dead." He finished saying, moving his hand that was still caressing my face and placing it on my shoulder as he moved to the side. Demitri reluctantly followed Aro's lead; revealing the scene ahead of me.

"Bella?" a simultaneous gasp and holler were heard from several different sources.

At the sound of my name I couldn't help but turn my gaze to the advent. My first reaction was shock, I had no idea how many wolves were there in front of us, but it was astonishing. They were all different shades of neutral colors, ranging in size and height, but nothing short of the stature of a horse. I had never seen anything like them in nature before, it was obvious that they belonged to the world of the supernatural.

After quickly scanning the wolves, my attention was then drawn to the two shape shifters that were in human form. It was very obvious who they were; they wore nothing but cut off shorts – a condition of shifting I assumed, but at least they wore that, and _for_ that I was great full.

Finally, I shifted my sight to the other vampires that were in attendance. They looked like my kind, but were also very different. I immediately noticed their eyes, all of them having the same color as mine; a strange ocher, darker than butterscotch, but with the same golden tone. They were vegetarian like me, there was no other explanation and I was shocked and excited by the prospect. They also had a casual presence about them, so very different that any other vampires I had ever met, even the Volturi still struggled with their easy appearance at times.

The vampire that instantly caught my attention was standing just off from the rest of them, his gaze so intense I felt the need to check my shield, he could have bore a hole through me.

He was tall and lean with muscle and untidy bronze colored hair, and he was devastatingly beautiful. Our kind are always alluring and ranging in perfection, but he was different; Adonis rather than Cratus in comparison. It was hard to believe someone so beautiful could be real.

"Bella" He said to me again; his voice like melting honey. Edward. I recognized the voice as the translator, now able to put a face to the name.

"Hello." I said to him timidly, not sure of what else I was supposed to do, or what anyone was expecting.

"Do you know them?" Aro asked curiously, never taking his eyes from my face.

I didn't want to look away; Edwards gaze was captivating, but after answering I turned my attention back to Aro. "No." I said abashed.

Aro beamed at my reply, but didn't have time enough to say anything in response to my admission.

"Bella?" Jacob, the shape shifter said to me taking a few steps forward. "Is it really you?" he asked me.

"I am Bella, but I think you may have me confused with someone else." I said to him diplomatically. "I don't know any of you."

When I said this to him, his face crumbled a little, like I had crushed all his hopes and dreams. I noticed from my peripheral that Edward also let his shoulders sag at my statement.

"It's me, Jake." The shape shifter continued forward as if by his announcing it I would somehow know who he was. "Jacob Black, you have to remember me Bella..."

"I am sorry Jacob." I said to him simply, not sure of what else I could tell the man.

"She doesn't know you." Demitri said in a feral tone, placing himself in front of me as if they were a threat.

"Because you stinking leaches did something to her!" Jacob shouted at him.

"We've done nothing to Isabella that she's not asked us to do." Caius said walking around to place himself on my other side. "If Isabella is the human you once knew, then she is here before you exactly as she wished it to be."

"You lie!" Jacob said of Caius' explanation. "She doesn't remember me! She wouldn't have asked for that..."

"A side effect of her change." Caius said to him dismissively.

I knew all of what was being spoken of, but why they felt the need to explain it to these strangers was perplexing.

"Bella" A tiny pixie female with spiky hair said to me while stepping around Edward and coming forward. "Do you know any of us?" She asked hopefully.

The others she was standing with spread out to stand side by side next to each other, displaying themselves to me. I carefully looked at the other four I hadn't already examined before looking back to her "I'm sorry ..." I held out my hand indicating to her for a name.

"Alice." She said ruefully.

"I'm sorry Alice, I don't. " I told her, then repeated myself for a third time looking them all over again. "I don't know or recognize any of you."

"Aw, there, you see." Aro chimed. "She is not the Bella you seek."

"Yes, she is." Edward said through a tight jaw, venom in his words. "And you know that."

"Well, maybe she is –maybe she isn't." He continued in his carefree tone.

"Why?" Jacob asked, still coming closer to me. "Why would you do this?"

Marcus took the liberty of answering him, he had a way of sensing things; binding ties of family, friends, loyalty, lovers and devotions. He had told me of my past a few times before; in the beginning when I cared enough to ask, but that was a long time ago and of no importance now.

"She was broken when she came to us, a shell of a person; hollow and empty walking in a barren sheath. Her pain and suffering were almost tangible, drawn plainly for everyone to see on the contours of her face." He came over to me, placing a gentle touch of comfort on my back. "She was suffering."

"She was seeking death." Caius stated again, moving back over to where he came from. "She stands here before you because her request was denied."

Edward let out an audibly shaking breath, then let his head fall forward, while the rest of his party were visibly shocked, Jacob looked painfully angry.

"She was,...special. It would have been such a waste to not save her, to cast her aside like everyone else in her life had." Aro told them "We took her in; gave her new life, her memory loss was a happy occurrence from her change."

After their explanations I felt the need to speak up for myself.

"Whether or not I knew any of you during the time I was human is of no consequence now." I said to all of them. The fact that this assembly had turned out this way, because of some misplaced delusion to avenge me was disturbing and embarrassing. The whole front of war; the threat of annihilation to my race? over one humans loss of life? Unacceptable.

"I know next to nothing from my human life, and by the Elders description and perception, I would like it to stay that way." I told them decidedly, I was a Volturi guard member and they should know where I stand. "I have been with the Volturi and a vampire for over eight years, if I meant anything to any of you, I wonder why I'm only just meeting you now? I know that if it had been someone I cared about" At this point I stepped forward to look up and stand next to Demitri. "I wouldn't have waited so long for answers." I smiled at him before dropping my tenderness to turn and look coolly again at those who stood before me.

"I meant nothing to you then, and you mean nothing to me now." I said to them finally, and then turning my back I raised my hood to proceed back to my station.

I'd only taken a step when Jacob the wolf hollered at me "NO Bella! Wait!" And then, as though he meant come to me, he took off running; slamming into my shield.

The force of his impact was so much so I turned to look in his direction, while holding out my hand, silently asking for Afton's aid.

He had been assisting me with my cover since the meeting started, but when I addressed the group, I broke away from him to stand next to Demitri.

Without hesitation, he grabbed my hand again and I instantly felt his reinforcement; strengthening my protection to the point in which it could have stopped a freight train.

In the beginning I was only able to block out mental attacks, but upon further examination and practice it was discovered I could physically block as well.

Jacob had taken a stumbling step back after his initial advance, looking as confused as a deer in headlights. He composed himself a moment later and began forward again, to stop short just as he had before, the invisible wall of my shield physically barring him from coming any closer.

"You will not pass the barrier, no matter how many times you try." Aro chided him, Jacobs stubbornness was evident as he kept trying to push through with his hands. "Bella will only allow it if she chooses too." He informed him with pride.

"I believe we are done here." Aro voiced to the whole of us. I couldn't have agreed more; I knew I certainly was.

Various please and advances broke out among those who had claimed to know me, all of them coming closer just to be stopped at the threshold of my defense.

With Afton still holding my hand and Demitri protectively wrapping his arm around my other side, I began to slowly and deliberately push them back further into the thicket with the energy of my aegis.

I turned my back on them and continued to move away, hearing a finale and in unison "Bella, please..." from Edward and Jacob as we retreated back to Volterra.

(1/23/11)


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Full Disclosure**

Our journey home was surprisingly smooth an uneventful. Neither the wolves nor the other vampires followed us.

Half of the guard split off once we reached St. Johns; Aro dispatching them to their previous assignments or something new he directed them to.

The other half had followed us home; doubling the security around the castle for twenty-four hour protection, just in case anyone had tried to follow.

During the journey I avoided any and all conversation about what had happened in the clearing. There were still to many ears around, and I didn't want them to know anything more than they already did. As it was the gossip would run rampant without fueling the flames.

When we finally reached the castle, without me even having to ask, The Elders and myself went to a private conversation room. They all looked at me expectantly as I paced around wanting for answers but unsure where to begin or what to ask.

Marcus and Caius had found chairs to sit in, while Aro stood patiently. "Bella" he finally said to me after several minutes of silence.

I stopped and turned to look at him, questioning him with my eyes.

"We will tell you anything you wish to know dear."

"Who are they?" I asked him simply.

"Please sit." he said gesturing to the empty chaise behind me.

"They are who they say they are Bella." He told me plainly.

"What does that mean?" I asked him angrily.

"It means" Caius spoke up "That everything you know is this truth; but that the past has found you."

"When you came to us, you were as we have told you; in pain and seeking death." Marcus said to me, leaning forward on his knees while staying seated in his chair. "That truth can't not be changed. What we didn't know was why."

"We do now, however." Aro continued. "My first meeting with Carlisle told me everything about your past that we didn't know. Your association with the Cullen's and apparently the wolves."

"Why didn't you tell me then?" I questioned him.

"Because child, as Caius and Marcus have pointed out; the truth and your pain, can not be changed. What would have been the point in us telling you anything that would cause you pain? You didn't remember them, and it is what you asked for by coming to us all those years ago, there was no point at the time."

"So then who are they Aro? How did I know them? How did I know about you to come here? How and why did I know shape-shifters? None of this makes any sense!"

Marcus stood up and came to sit next to me, while Aro took each of my questions and answered them to the best of his knowledge.

"I only know from Carlisle's thoughts, but I will tell you all that I can." He said before continuing.

"When you were human, you moved to a small town in Forks Washington to live with your human father. The Cullen's were living in the same town at the time. For whatever reason, you peeked their interest and caught the eye of Carlisle's son Edward. He befriended you, took you to his home, introduced you to his family. They liked you. They liked you enough to tell you that they were vampires."

"What?" I breathed out.

"You were their pet, Bella." Caius seethed.

"Caius." Aro snapped at him before continuing. "Being human and keeping company with a group of vampires is a dangerous feat, you as it were, were in constant danger. Many times you had been hurt under their care, stalked and even hunted by other vampires who didn't like the association. You'd nearly been killed on more than one occasion because of the Cullen's affinity towards you."

Aro stood and started to pace the room before continuing. "But, Edward tired of you. He used you and when he had his fill, through you out like yesterdays trash. He ordered his family to do the same and they left you."

"Being human you were more attached to them than they were of you, we believe this is why you remembered enough about what they had told you to come here." Marcus concluded.

"So I was some sort of pawn in a game?"

"So it would seem." Caius said.

"And what about the wolves? How do I know them?"

"That, we are still unclear about." Aro said looking at me expectantly. "From Carlisle I know that they were aware of their existence, and we know that you had an acquaintance with one of them because of your father, but beyond that we know as much as you do."

"What about the treaty then? Was the meeting all just a lie so the wolves, could what?"

"Again, we know as much as you do. Regardless, we plan to uphold the treaty. What we agreed on hasn't changed, the initial reason to meet may or may not have been a lie, but the treaty is still in the best interest of us all." Aro told me.

"And the Cullen's? What is to be done about them?" I asked.

"How do you mean?" Marcus asked me, still seated next to me in a gesture of comfort.

"They broke the law, they should be punished." I said, looking only at Caius, if anyone would agree with me, it would be him.

His smile was my answer before he spoke. "Bella is correct, regardless of how long ago it was, they broke the rules."

"Now, now." Aro raised his hands in peace towards the both of us. "Caius, I understand why you would suggest or agree to this, but Bella, dear, this, for you, would be out of revenge."

"Aro, I don't remember them to have feelings of revenge, Remember? I'm simply stating the obvious." That wasn't completely the truth; I had to admit to myself, I was feeling a bit hurt, but the law was the law.

"We will not be punishing them." Aro told us firmly. "Carlisle has been a wonderful ally and friend to the Volturi for many years. If anything, we owe him."

"How's that brother?" Caius asked him.

"Aside from everything else he has done for us; including his most recent aid with the treaty, he has inadvertently given us Bella."

"What?" I questioned him, almost sarcastically.

"If it wasn't for his son's interest and subsequent hurting of you, you never would have come to us. That we can never repay him for. But letting him slide with this one rule breaking would be a start." He told us, very pleased with himself.

Smiling at each other, I moved to give him a hug. What had happened in the clearing had shaken me, but this was my family, this was were I belonged.

(2/11/11)


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Mind Reader**

"Master." Felix entered to main gathering room addressing his ruler with a small bow. "He is back again."

Aro rose from his throne with a sigh and began to wander the room in contemplation. He needn't look to his brothers for advice on the situation; having discussed it several times before, he knew their position in the matter, and although Aro agreed with them, the idea of adding Edward to his guard was too exciting an idea to merely dismiss completely.

The first time Edward had come to the castle he was granted an audience with the Elders; but since has been denied. Aro's initial meeting with the young man was simple curiosity, he wished to know the boys gift better and to learn any further information he could about his daughter Bella. Upon discovering everything he needed to know about both, he dismissed Edward; leaving them both with an unanswered decision.

Aro knew that Edwards only interest in joining the Volturi was Bella and gaining unremitting access to her. And _this _was the only reason Aro has been hesitating. Having seen the memories, heard the thoughts and felt the emotions that were Edward and of his Bella, he knew that if she were to ever remember the love they shared, he would lose them both.

You see, Edward loves Bella; loves her more than his own life, he would trade and do anything for her; go anywhere; become anyone, as long as it was for her; to be with her; out of love_ for_ her.

Aro didn't understand this before, he believed that Edward had dismissed Bella, left her like so many others of his kind have done to humans throughout history.

Aro in all his years; all the thoughts and memories he'd ever seen of vampiric love, had never come close to experiencing this kind of depth before; surprised even by the intensity of it. The self sacrificing abnegation that Edward so willingly and unrelentingly put himself through just to be with her was enough to make Aro's mouth water. Only to follow it with the same reverence to keep her safe, putting himself through the most absolute agonizing deprivation that he had ever felt.

All this in the name of love. Unquestioned; unashamed love.

Aro himself couldn't understand how anything could be so great, and the possibility and risk because of it were just too high.

"Bring him." He answered the guard finally.

Felix nodded acceptance of his order and turned to retrieve Edward to the meeting hall.

Aro, understanding Edwards gift, was now able to hide the things he didn't want to the boy to know; things that could still put him losing Bella at risk.

It was now several weeks since the meeting at Laden Fields Pond, and although he had convinced Bella to remain with them in the castle, he knew that he wouldn't be able to hold her forever. Bella was a strong willed, strong minded woman; stubborn as Edward had called her, and she had her own idea's about how she planned to spend all of eternity.

She was planning to go back to school; start a summer class schedule and accept a teacher's assistant position that she had been offered last year. She had promised them she would stay on at the castle with them until it was time, but refused to be held back.

"I can protect myself, I'm not afraid of them." She had told the Elders while they were discussing her schooling, leaving the castle and the possibility of running into the wolves and Cullen's. They all knew she was right, she could more than take care of herself, just as they knew they could never keep her here. It wasn't within anyone's power to control Bella, she knew it and so did they.

Aro also needed to make a decision, to give Edward an answer so he would stop coming back, before Demitri and Bella returned from their vacation. They were do back any day now, and if it could be avoided, he wanted there to not be a chance meeting between the two again or ever if possible.

Several minutes of silence followed Aro's direction before Edward was brought to him, and as any good leader and host, he welcomed his guest.

"Edward, my dear boy, how wonderful to see you again." The leader of the Volturi greeted his visitor.

"Master" Edward responded tightly, trying the word out on his tongue.

The greeting pleased Aro so tremendously he couldn't help but picture Edward standing guard next to him; a cloaked adviser among his other prized members. "You flatter me." The Elder responded.

"I admire you." Edward retorted.

They both knew that wasn't entirely true; the special bond of their gifts ensured that, but neither would respond or correct such simple falsities as these.

"We've given much thought to your request." Aro continued without pause. "It has been a rather difficult decision to make."

Edward, out of hopeful respect, didn't interject or interrupt Aro; even though he knew the answer to his request before he walked into the room, instead letting him speak the words aloud.

"You are unlimited in talent in ways I am not. To hear from a distance, it would be so convenient..." he trailed off in thought, again wavering on his decision before remembering the reason. "But, unfortunately we can not grant you what you seek. Allowing you to join our guard would be a conflict of interest as it stands now, and the risks far out weigh the benefits."

"I understand your position, I do. But there must be some way for me to change your mind, prove to you that I would be an asset." Edward tried diplomatically.

"I believe you would prove yourself worthy Edward, and your talent would be an excellent addition to our company, but of course you know that is not why you are being denied, and for that there is nothing to be done. It is unfortunate."

"I see." Edward responded solemnly at the finality of the decision. He had wanted nothing to do with the Volturi, avoiding them at all costs in his 114 years, but Bella was here, his love, his life were with these people, and now it was everything that he wanted.

Edward being crushed, and losing what little hope he had, would now have to find another way to be with her.

Since leaving his love that cold day in September, Edward has done little else but think of his Bella. She has been in his every thought, his every breath of every moment since leaving his heart with her in Forks.

For the first few years especially, it took everything in him and more to not go running back to her; beg her for forgiveness; offer a lifetime of servitude, just to be near her. Many times he had come close, so close, but would always make himself turn away, remembering the reasons he had left her in the first place.

She was more important than any suffering he was in, her life meant everything and he would do nothing to endanger it any longer or ever again.

But it was painful; tortuously painful, not be with her. She was his air to breath, his reason for laughter, all that he would ever see; his only hope and love. He could not risk her life, losing her was nothing compared to the possibility of living in a world where she did not exist.

So he stayed away, with an effort so great it could move mountains, he stayed away from his reason for being, so she might live the life he could never give her.

During the meeting, in those few moments he had thought he'd lost her forever, he ceased to exist, thought that in that moment he had died with her, and would make that a reality as soon as he could. For him, the world stopped spinning, the sun would never shine; the moon would never rise; life, love, meaning –all lost.

But an eternity of minutes later, life was anew; she was alive, gloriously alive and perfect as she ever was, standing before him. The sweetest sound of her voice, reverberating through his being, singing in his ears. Her intoxicating perfume; still holding the same addiction to him, warming his body and filling him up with her.

His Bella, standing before him, alive and well in her perfectly immortal frame. There are no words to encapsulate the joy that had overtaken him, or the agony that followed by her indifference.

It was worse than being away from her. As time heavily passed, it was a comfort for him knowing she would remember, hoping her memories would someday be fond; cherished reflections, that would mean something to her as they would always to him.

But this, this was nothing he was prepared for. She didn't know him, didn't remember any of the time they had spent together, the love they had shared. He was nothing to her and it was excruciating.

And in that moment, as she turned coldly away from him, he knew what he must have done to her. Knew with ever fiber of his being that this; what he was feeling in this moment, was exactly the punishment he deserved for doing it to her. He had left her pleading and heartbroken as he turned cold and walked away.

He had pushed her away, shoved her into this life with the Volturi, made her so desperate to end it all, that she had; completely wiping him and everything else out.

Not by choice, no, like Jacob had said, she would never willingly forget him or her father, but Edward, yes. She had chosen to forget him, to leave him and their past behind.

They had done this to her though, he knew, he didn't know how, but he knew. He needed to know, needed to fix it, so she would remember, so he could explain, make her understand, hope for her forgiveness.

She was now what he always wanted to avoid, but seeing her, he had to question himself why? Had he given her what she wanted –what she always was meant to be, they would be together now. Forever.

So with that, he had to try, even though he knew it would kill him for her to reject him, he had to try, he had to get her back, the Bella that he knew, the Bella that he loved, the one that had known and loved him too.

"Thank you for your time and consideration." He bowed to the leader Aro, before turning to walk out of the room.

(2/22/11)


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: Chance Meeting**

"...I know! Did you see the size of that thing..." Demitri was still thrilling over our last hunt in the Madagascar Rainforest.

We had left Volterra and spent just under two weeks together sight seeing the forest. We spent a lot of time wandering the area, hunting and swimming the waters. It's was beautiful there, definitely a needed change from this other world we live in.

It was mid-day in Volterra, so we were taking the tunnels back into the castle; hand in hand, walking at a human pace "It _was_ fun" I replied to him through laughter at something he had said.

"I can't wait to do it again." He agreed looking down at me.

We had just rounded a corner when he had said that, putting us face to face with Edward the translator, and the repugnant smell of the shape shifter Jacob, making it so I was unable to reply.

Neither Edward or Jacob had not been moving down the tunnel, Edward stopping them and hearing our thoughts as we approached I was sure, but seeing them put the two of us to a halt.

"What are you doing here?" Demitri demanded after a long silence. Edward hadn't said anything, just stood staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

When he finally looked away to answer Demitri, his expression shifted and changed, making him look like an angry lover, like he wanted to rip his throat out and eat it.

"Business, that is none of your concern." He seethed.

Edward wasn't as big as Demitri in size, but he was menacing none the less. The look on his face and the venom in his words had me questioning who would come out ahead if these two were to battle, and having Jacob as back up was worrisome; he _was_ bigger than Demitri. The thought woke my protective side, so I shielded Demitri before anything were to happen.

Knowing what I had done, Edward looked at me, his face changing instantly from anger to something sad. Like in the clearing, I felt an overwhelming urge to take his pain away, something I still couldn't explain, but I quickly pushed it aside.

"If your business is concluded, I would suggest you leave, before something happens or someone changes their mind." I informed him. I wasn't sure what reason he could have to be here, but I knew without a doubt that if trouble were to ensue, Edward and Jacob in total were far out numbered and would not walk away.

"May I speak with you privately?" He pleaded.

"No."

"Please Bella, just talk to me, just for a few minutes." he voice was devastating.

"I have nothing to say to you, I've told you and your friends that already." I said to him, not unkindly. "Please just go."

"Bella please! There are things that you don't understand, things that you have to know..."

"No." I said to him tightly this time. My chest was beginning to ache and I didn't understand the hollow feeling that was beginning to pound through me, I found myself wrapping my arms around me.

"Are you alright?" Demitri turned me to look at him, grabbing my face in both of his hands, worry spreading across his features.

"Yes?... No, … I don't know..." I shook my head at his question, unsure what was happening or how to answer.

"She's reacting to you." Jacob said in a deep meaningful voice. "Just like she used to when she was still human, when you left her." he finished angrily, looking to Edward as he said the last part.

"What?" I questioned him, pulling myself from Demitri. "Are you doing this to me?"

"No Bella." Edward answered fervently.

"You may not remember us Bella, but your body still does. You feel it don't you? It hurts to look at him." Jacob said stepping forward and pointing accusingly at Edward. "It may not beat, but your heart is still breaking."

"Jacob! You're not helping." Edward hissed quietly at him.

"Screw you bloodsucker, she remembers, or a part of her does at least, look at her." He wafted his hand towards me. "She looks like she used to."

"Don't." Edward closed his eyes "Just stop, please." He begged, flaring up my concern for him yet again.

"What are you doing? What is going on?" I took a step forward, only to be stopped by Demitri.

"Jacob here has a very good memory." Edward answered my pleas. "He's just making sure I'm aware of them."

"What are you talking about?"

"It doesn't matter, they are leaving. NOW." Demitri demanded. He was angry and he was acting as a Volturi guard. He walked past me, stepping in front of me, shielding me from the two of them.

"This stops now." He commanded. "If you _want _to leave, then leave now."

"We just want to talk to her, why are you all so afraid to let her?" Jacob questioned him aloof.

"She said she has nothing to say to you animals." He directed to Jacob. "Or you." He finished looking to Edward.

"Worried she might remember Demitri?" Edward said to him sourly and confident.

Demitri didn't say anything at that, they just stared icy glares at one another.

"Well, as entertaining as this has been," Jane said walking in from another corridor "I do believe it is time for you to go." She said stepping next to Demitri, turning her back on us and looking at the other two.

"Jane." Edward sighed in recognition and resignation.

"Edward." She spoke to him conversationally. "I thought Aro had dismissed you after your meeting."

"He did, we were just leaving." He said to her.

"Good." She replied to him "I doubt he would think very highly of you still being here, harassing his guards no less."

"No. I don't believe he would think highly of me still being here." He told her curtly. He moved then, closer to us, to the way out of the tunnels, but stopped when he was able to see me again.

"Bella..." He began to speak.

"No Edward. Just go." I told him, feeling a bit foolish that I was being hidden by Demitri and bailed out by Jane. Edward and Jacob were no one I feared. "If I should ever decide to speak with you, I will let you know."

"You are planning to stay on here then?" He asked, a seemingly ridiculous question to me.

"Of course." I said to him, and if I hadn't been paying attention and looking straight at him, I might have missed the small, fleeting smirk that passed over his lips.

He didn't say anything after that, just nodded, turned on his heel and walked past us towards the end of the tunnel with Jacob following.

Once they had left, I turned to Jane "Why were they here?"

"I have no idea, the meetings were private between him and the Elders." She told me.

"Meetings? They've been here more than once?"

"Edward has been here more than once, the dog only twice. I have no idea what they want Bella, maybe Aro will tell you." She finished dismissively then turned and walked away.

Demitri and I followed more slowly behind her, taking our time entering the castle. Once inside he escorted me the rest of the way to my room.

"Are you alright?" He asked "Did they hurt you? Do something to you?"

"No." I told him. "I don't think so anyway, I'm fine." I smiled at him so he wouldn't see through the lie.

He left me alone shortly after, so I could unpack and get cleaned up. I was grateful for the time to think, but scared, scared of the throbbing that was still quietly humming in my chest.

(2/23/11)


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: It must have been love**

August, 15, 2005

In one month it will be a year that you've left; that you've disappeared; like everything else.

It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year, although, losing track of time was the most I asked from life.

I worry -late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation breaks down my defenses- that it _is_ all slipping away. That my mind is a sieve, and I will someday not be able to remember the precise color of your eyes, the feel of your cool skin, or the texture of your voice.

Will it really be as if you never existed?

…

Today I went grocery shopping; maintaining a level of normalcy as a way not to be noticed, and on my way home I heard a song that made me think of you; not that you're _ever_out of my mind, but listening to music again is still new.

Instead of shying away from the memories, I walked forward and greeted them...

So here I am... for the second time since you left, in the meadow.

This is going to cost me, I'm sure of it. I've broken my personal rules. But relief is still the strongest emotion in my body -for now.

…

It's nice today, the flowers are still in full bloom; just like they were the first time you brought me here, they smell amazing and are pretty to look at.

I hope trying to finding the beauty in life, and saying them like a mantra will someday allow me to actually believe the words, but for now, everything is still gray.

…

The sky is clear and bright; the sun shinning, I can imagine the facets of your skin sparkling in the light. Even my scar seems brighter today, here in the meadow, as if assuring me that you - that _everything_ was real.

Honestly, it shouldn't matter; no one is ever coming back here.

…

It hurts though, to be here, I didn't think it would, but it does. I've been here for hours now and no one has tried to kill me this time, I suppose if I hadn't had that distraction the last time, I would have realized that coming here would be painful.

The absence of you is everywhere I look, everywhere I go, but the pain is my only reminder that you were real...that you all were real.

Still I hope, I hope that you'll come out of the shadows, that you'll no longer just be a voice in my head.

I always hope.

…

I thought of taking some of your flowers with me, but the thought of having to watch them wither and die made the hole in my chest rip anew, I couldn't bear it – the loss...

…

I'll leave you with the words that brought me here today.

Goodbye for now, my love.

…

_Lay a whisper on my pillow  
Leave the winter on the ground  
I wake up lonely, is there a silence  
In the bedroom and all around_

Touch me now, I close my eyes  
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now  
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow  
It must have been love, but it's over now  
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we're together  
That I'm sheltered by your heart  
But in and outside I turn to water  
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day  
I dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now  
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without  
It must have been love, but it's over now  
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now  
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow  
It must have been love, but it's over now  
From the moment we touched till the time had run out 

(3/14/11)_  
_


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17: Teachers assistant**

"You are such a girl!" I teased Felix coming in the back door after taking the laundry off the line. "What are you listening to? … Is that Roxette?"

"Shut up, this is good music!"

"Yes it is, _for a girl_ you wierdo."

"Hey, it's better than that crap you listen to Bella, you wouldn't know good music if it knocked on your door, bent you over and bite you in the ass" he chuckled to himself.

"Excuse me?" I said "There is a reason it's called classical music Felix, because it's classic -it has class"

"Whatever B, and alternative and indie rock? What's your philosophical take on those?"

"Don't go there, _you_ like those too"

"And _you_ like Roxette!"

"And _I'm_ a girl." I told him mockingly. "Point."

"W h a t e v e r !" He said rolling his eyes and himself off my couch. "Don't you have a class to prep for or something?" He teased as he turned on the Playstation he'd brought here from the castle and loaded up Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, which was a welcomed change from his usual Call of Duty Black Opts and Death Nation.

Ignoring him I took my laundry and walked down the hall to my room to fold and put away. Demitri was reclined on my bed, with my nook in his hand.

"What are you reading?" I asked.

"What you had bookmarked; The Daylight Saga." He gave me _the look_ as he said this.

"Which one?" I _looked_ back at him.

"Solar Noon."

"Hmm, my least favorite of the four."

"Well, really I was just hoping to distract myself from that crap Felix is listening to..."

"HEY!" Felix hollered at us from the living room while we both laughed at him.

"..but since that didn't work" he continued. "I kept reading."

Demitri and Felix had come with me to stay for the week leading up to my return to the university. They said it was to spend time with me and to have a break from the guard, but I knew that even though that was true, it was more accurately a way for them to check the area and do a full 'security sweep' in an effort to make sure I was safe; to make sure that there were no Cullen's or wolves lurking about.

They were here for a few hours more and then would both leave back to the castle, and at which time I would be heading to Pisa' for my first day as a teaching assistant and third year student.

After everything was folded and put away I curled myself up next to Demitri on my bed and began to read with him.

"There are two things I don't understand about this." He said at one point.

"And what's that?"

"First, _why_ do you keep reading this same series over and over again? You literally know it by heart; better than the author at this point, and yet you keep reading it?"

I chuckled at him without answering; he wouldn't get it anyway. "What's the second thing you don't understand?"

"Why she leaves him in this book?"

This I could explain to him, having read them more times than I care to admit, (as he already pointed out) I knew how the book and series ends, and since he wasn't ever going to finish either I wasn't really ruining anything for him.

"She was trying to protect him from herself, she thought she was a danger to him and that the only way to keep him safe from her and her kind was to leave him, even though it killed her to do so."

"That's exactly what I don't get though, why not just take him with her? He wanted to go; he said he would change for her and they have the technology on her home planet to make that happen. It doesn't make any sense to me, especially since they quite obviously love each other."

"Yes, but it's not that simple." I began defending the book to him "She doesn't want to be responsible for taking his humanity, turning him into something that her own people are struggling with after spending so much time with the humans. She sees them as pure and good, whereas she believes them to be cold and callus. She thinks she's protecting him from a world and life that he would hate; and protecting them both from the hate that she believes will eventually turn into resentment towards her."

I continued; even though I agreed with Demitri, I could understand the characters motivation "Imagine it this way, apply the books events to our world, imagine there was a human you cared about..."

"Don't be ridiculous Bella." He laughed darkly, shaking his head.

"No really, just think about it for a second, do you think knowing everything you know about our world and how we live in it, could you selfishly do that to someone you cared about? Regardless of them asking and saying that it is what they want? That person doesn't understand the consequences of the choice they are making."

"I don't know, you're trying to compare apples and oranges. Our world is different, if what your saying could be applied to our world it's not at all the same thing. We don't ever change, when we love; _really_ love, it's forever, it takes over our entire existence. I don't believe there would be a choice, rational thinking couldn't be applied to our situation the same way it was applied to hers."

We were now sitting up on the bed looking at each other, Demitri continued as we debated the book. "In applying the books terms to our world Bella, I know I would have been selfish enough to change the person, I don't believe there is any other way to be in our kind. Look at Marcus, he is the example of what life would be like having lost the person you loved. I couldn't willingly put myself through that when there was a simple option of changing the person to insure that I never would."

"I don't know, I don't know if I could." I told him stoically. "It just seems really selfish, doesn't it?"

"Maybe, but if it's there choice, isn't it also selfish to deny them? You have something that they want; that you both want, but because it's within _your_ power to control you appoint yourself the judge and jury? Decide for them, by taking away the choice they already made? That hardly seems fair."

"When you say it like that, it makes perfect sense, but I've spent a lot of time around humans. I couldn't imagine changing a parent or sibling just to insure that I would never have to suffer their loss."

"But again, your talking about different things; that's not the same kind of love. Still, if they wanted it; regardless of what you know about this way of life, it's still their choice, and really, at the end of the day that is the point. It's not her decision to make, and they suffer more because of it." he finished.

"You're right, and the other point is is that it doesn't matter, she comes back for him after seeing the error of her ways, begs for forgiveness; which he readily gives, and after a few other hurtles live happily ever after. The end." I smiled at him, pushing him down on the mattress and placing a soft kiss on his lips.

"I like the ending." He told me wrapping his arms around me.

"Yes, kissing is always a nice way to end the day."

"That's nice too" He said rolling me over "But I was referring to the happily ever after part."

"Oh Gross! and you guys call me a girl? That was so cheesy school girl Demitri I think I just threw up in my mouth a little" Felix grumbled from the other room.

We've been getting good at ignoring Felix, and this time was no different.

After Felix and Demitri left I still had a few hours before I was to be at the school, and even a few classes before my debut as the teachers assistant, but I went over everything again, just to make sure it was all in order.

The job itself was fairly simple, and I wouldn't be doing any actual teaching, unless the professor himself was absent or something. Mostly I would be doing the brunt of the work with none of the glory, taking roll call, passing out and assigning work and then grading said work. On the plus side, it is a night class so the student numbers are one third they are in the day class.

So I was surprised when the day before I had meet with the professor to go over everything and what her expectations for myself and the students were for this semester, she had given me direction to start the class; apparently that would be a fairly normal occurrence since she ran another class across campus that would end at the same time this one would begin, hence her need for a TA.

Luckily I was very good a suppressing my feelings, and had years of experience with the guard, because the thought of being the center of attention for even a few minutes a couple times a week had me wanting to run for the hills.

I would just have to learn to adopt the same front that I do when confronting people while on duty, not as a guard member though; -no _that_ would have the students running for the hills.

I was lost in thought, getting the reading assignment on the board and contact information for myself and Professor Hardwick, when I heard a quiet approach.

My class right before this one let out early, so I had come here, about thirty five minutes before the class was to start. I had only been here for five minutes when the person entered the room.

Knowing that whoever it was wasn't human, I threw up my shield forcing them against the wall of the class room before even turning around.

My breath caught in my throat along with the now familiar aching in my chest at the sight of Edward pinned against the wall. I hadn't put a lot of force into my hold, just enough the ensure he wouldn't have been able to move anywhere, but upon seeing him my anger spiked a little.

"What are you doing here?" I fumed at him, pushing a little more forcefully on the barrier.

"I'm here for class Bella, same as you." He told me with a cocky grin.

"This isn't a game Edward. You can not keep showing up to random places that you _clearly_ don't belong and give me half-assed excuses as a way of explanation. You have **no** business being here and you need to leave."

"Bella, I'm merely attending a college course, I apologize if you are reading something else into it but I do have every right to be here, it is a public university and my credits transferred over without incident."

"What are you playing at Edward?" I asked him again, pushing a bit more on the shield as I inched toward him.

"I already told you, I've come to take classes at this university."

I held his gaze as I stood in front of him, looking for something, _anything_ that would give way to the real reason he was here. I knew he had wanted to speak with me, but this I thought was stretch.

"I'll have to notify the Volturi of your presence." I told him hoping to evoke some sort of reaction.

His jaw clenched briefly with a slight tightening of his eyes, before recovering quickly from his slip and responding casually with "If you must."

It sounded like a challenge. I didn't know if I should take the bet or not.

On the one hand it was my duty to report anything and everything to the Volturi, but if I did I would either be called back immediately or the University of Pisa' would be swarming with guard members.

On the other hand, I wasn't _technically_ on duty right now, right _now_ I was a student and a TA. I could also use this time to flush out his motivations so that we could get past this little song and dance of his and he could move on a leave me alone.

I would be taking a risk by not telling the Volturi, a risk with possible reprimands.

I would also never get this opportunity again, especially if the guard were to come or if I were to get called home.

Decisions, decisions.

(4-4-11)


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: **I finished the outline to this story last night, and depending on how closely I can stick to it we are looking at anywhere between 40-45 chapters total. I've already started on chapter 19 and hope to have that up by the end of the day.

**Here's my question; do I really want to?**

I don't want to be one of those writers who bargains with you to review or holds back chapters until you do; so I won't – but! I know you all are reading this, my traffic lets me know and yet I'm feeling a little neglected here...

So do I spend the time to finish or just wrap it up now, short version 2 paragraph style?

It really is up to you, in the beginning I write everything for me, and since I already know what happens at the end of the movie I really don't feel the need to watch it, but you on the other hand...?

Let me know what you want and I'll give it to you either way =) I really do appreciate all of you that do read and especially the ones that are reviewing, at the end of the day your encouragement really is the only reason to write the next chapter; without it I would have stopped this long ago – **Thank you!**

**~Eve**

**Chapter 18: Peers**

"Miss. Swan? Is everything alright?" Professor Weitz from the next class over asked as he was walking by.

I had heard his approach so when he was close I released Edward from the wall so he could compose himself before being seen. Even still, it seems our stare off was enough to garner the professors attention.

"Everything is fine Professor Weitz." I replied to him with a smile, turning toward him hoping it would be enough to convince him.

He looked between the two of us for a few moments and then with a nod said "Alright, but if you need anything Bella, I'm just right next door." He was looking at me seriously before turning to Edward "All you have to do is holler." He finished saying, giving me a polite smile, while at the same time Edward rolled his eyes and tried to hid his smirk.

"Thank you sir." I said to him sincerely. He was a nice man; always kind to me, never looking at me in an unprofessional way or saying anything that would affect my opinion of him. I appreciated his concern; regardless of it's validity, it was still nice.

He nodded at me once more and then slowly turned back around and walked away.

Professor Weitz had only made it a few feet away when Edward let that cocky smile take over his face while trying miserably to hold back laughter.

"What is your problem?" I hissed at him, turning back around to face him.

"I don't have a problem Bella"

"Then whats so funny?" I snapped. "Is it the attention you are drawing to us? or is it Professor Weitz and his attention to detail that is causing you to act like a fool? I may not need his protection, but I **will** protect _him_ from _you_."

The statement sobered him. Edward looked at me intently for a moment before replying; "Quite the opposite actually. I appreciate his concern for you." He said to me seriously. "He deserves your protection, and I respect him because of his."

I wasn't expecting his response, and I didn't know what to make of it.

We stood staring at each other again, just as we had been for the five minutes before Professor Weitz had shown up.

"You need to leave." I finally told him once I realized that our stare down was getting us no where and class would be starting soon.

"I'm afraid I can't do that Bella, I've already signed up for this class and spoken with Professor Hardwick. She's really excited about having me."

"What?" I demanded.

"I've taken this class before -in the states of course." He began walking slowly around the room. "When I talked to her and told her this; explaining that I wanted to take the class here, she was excited by the idea of what I would be able to contribute."

"No." I said to him and myself, disbelief, confusion and demand all wrapped up in the single word.

Edward didn't answer me, instead turned around with that cocky grin of his and raised an eyebrow at me before going and taking a seat.

I took a few steps forward intending to make him leave the room immediately when I heard the laughter and chatter of a group walking through the door. The sound stopped me dead in my tracks, I couldn't very well throw him out now; knowing he would surely cause a scene. He knew he had me and gave me a quick wink before I turned around to greet the students, but not before I sent him a death glare.

Once the first set of students came the rest soon followed and I didn't have time to pay attention to Edward after that. Professor Hardwick showed up at her expected ten-minutes late and took over orientation from there.

Apparently Edward had known to pick the perfect seat in which he could stare at me the whole time rather than the front of the class like the rest of the student body.

He was really getting on my nerves.

"You're supposed to be here to learn something and pay attention to the teacher – not stare at me." I told him at one point.

"I can do both." He snickered.

"Are you _trying_ to irritate me to death?"

He didn't answer me; instead deciding to chuckle to himself in lieu of replying. My palms tingled – I wanted to hit something so badly. I was surprised by at my reaction, I usually was a nonviolent vampire; unless I was on duty, and even then I never participated.

The rest of the class passed by relatively quickly – despite the burning stare.

When it was as close to over as I could wait I gathered my things –pointing to a stack of papers while walking past Professor Hardwick and with a nod she excused me as I continued out the door and out of the classroom.

I was almost giddy with freedom as I walked too fast down the empty hallway and towards my next class.

My Economics class was delightfully dull and boring accompanied by no awkward staring.

Unfortunately, the same can not be said for my History class.

"Hi Bella!" She chirped as soon as she came through the door.

I looked up lazily "Alice, right?" I said sarcastically, already bored with this game.

"That's right!" She beamed, coming to take the seat next to me. "I'm so excited we have this class together."

"I'm sure you are. As I'm sure it was a complete coincidence." I said while continuing to read ahead in the text book.

As I knew she would Alice ignored my statements."Maybe we can get together sometime and study." She giggled.

"No thanks."

"Are you free tonight? We could get together and do our assignments for the rest of the semester. Then if there is time left we could go hunting afterward?" She babbled on with the conversation as if we were old friends and that this would have been something I normally would have agreed to.

"Sorry, I'll be busy informing the Volturi of your and Edwards presence here. I'm afraid I won't have anytime."

"No, you won't." She informed me with an eye roll.

I didn't say anything to her, instead just looked at her like the crazy person I thought she was.

"I can see that you won't be informing the Volturi of anything, at least not for a while, and even then you're undecided so I'm almost sure you won't." She told me in a very smug tone.

"Of course I'll inform them Alice."

"Bella..." She crooned and lightly tapped on her temple. "I know that you aren't going to, so there's no sense in trying to lie to me. I'll see either way, if you decide to or not."

"Right." I deadpanned. "You're the future seer aren't you."

With that she smiled and then went on to tell me all the assignments we would be having for the rest of the semester; not that I'd asked.

By the end of class I was multitasking and wishing I had the ability to control time. Alice didn't bother to stop talking once during the entire class, so along with that, listening to Professor Slade and going through and starting our first assignment I was almost mentally exhausted by the time class was dismissed.

I had tried to tell her several times that all I wanted to do was listen to the professor and work, but like she had every time before she just ignored me and kept right on with whatever she was yapping about.

Alice was annoyingly enduring, I found myself chuckling at her a few times despite myself, but by the end of the class I was severely relieved to be out of mind _and _out of sight of Alice Cullen.

(4/17/11)


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: As promised here is the next chapter (2 in one day!)

I feel like I should clarify a little about my last a/n: I was asking out of time consideration. I have another story that I've put on the back burner so that I can write this, and if it's not worth it, then let's call it a day and I can focus on my other work.

I have no way of knowing if it's worth the time, work and energy without the feedback, so I guess it's a bit of an oxymoron situation.

So, all I ask is if you like, review. If not, don't and I'll sum it up for you in a few short paragraphs on my next post.

Either way, we'll be right as rain ;)

Thanks again!

~Eve

**Chapter 19: The Fourth Thing**

It would figure that my last class of the day would be with Edward. _Of course it would, why wouldn't it. _I sneered to myself.

Alice had been right during the last class, I hadn't had any intention of calling the Volturi, but now I was seriously considering it.

I hoped I was giving her a headache.

I originally wanted to take this opportunity to find out what they wanted, but having to spend this much time with the both of them was making me second guess myself. Having them intruding on my class time, Alice's incessant chattering and Edwards unrelenting stares – I don't know if it's worth it, _and_ it's kind of creepy.

He had already been seated when I walked in so I took the seat that was furthest away from him and hopefully out of staring sight, but as it would figure we were only two of five people currently in the room, so he moved.

He pulled his chair back with unnecessary roughness and sat down nosily. "Hello." He said in a quiet voice.

"Hi." I replied just as evenly.

He had a polite smile on his lips. After that, he turned to face the front of the class and said nothing to me the rest of the evening. When class was let out I gathered my things and walked out the door expecting him or Alice to follow or bombard me, but neither of them did, Edward stayed behind and starting talking to the Professor and Alice was nowhere to be seen.

I went home a little confused by the sudden change, I'm embarrassed to admit that it even bothered me a little, but I didn't spend too much time dwelling on it.

The rest of the week carried on much the same but they were not nearly as aggressive as they had been on the first day.

Alice continued to chatter my ear off every chance she could, the conversation was always different so I never knew what to expect from her from day to day. Many times she would sneak a question into her ramblings that I would answer without thinking about it, either so absorbed with what she was saying or to distracted to really be paying much attention. Each time I would chastise her, but I was beginning to figure out that with Alice it was always her way and nothing was by accident; more importantly though, she knew that and didn't care.

Edward on the other hand would vary in his moods, I've yet to figure out what the difference in a day or hour makes for his attitude to so drastically change. Some times he is quiet and contemplative, but other times he is obnoxious and cocky, and then there are times I will catch him looking at me with such depth and passion in his expression that I have to look away.

He is casual in his 'hello's' and relentless with his teasing, but the conviction in his words when he is deeply serious makes me turn a walk away; so unsure of what to say to him or how to take it.

I can honestly say the I have never been more flustered or confused by any single person in all the time I can remember.

By the middle of the second week I was used to the two of them and there presence and getting quite accustomed to their behaviors. I was still guarded and not overtly friendly or engaging to either of them, so I was surprised at myself when my curiosity finally bubbled over and I asked Alice why she was acting so strangely.

"You're awfully jumping today Alice, what's up?" I really did want to know, but I also felt like I should ask or be alert of her changing demeanor, I still wasn't sure of their end game when it came to me.

She looked at me with the same amount of surprise I held for myself and then quickly looked pleased before answering me. "Jasper's coming today." she said in a satisfied tone.

"That's your mate?" I questioned her, I had met a Jasper during the meeting and she's talked about him a lot over the last week, but I wanted to be sure.

"Yes. Jasper is my husband." She told me proudly.

"I see." I smiled back at her. She was giddy with anticipation, you could see it on her face and feel it in the air around her, it was hard not to be excited for her.

"Would you like to meet him?"She asked me hopefully.

"I already have I think." I told her, "In the field. Remember?"

"Yes, but officially I mean." She said playfully with an eye roll.

"Um.." I looked at her quizzically for a moment. "I, don't know Alice."

"Oh come on Bella, he won't bite!" She said jokingly and then immediately looked ashamed before quickly adding, "I mean, he won't, he won't hurt you Bella. Jasper would have never hurt you." She finished in a rush.

"I'm not worried about him hurting me Alice, I just don't know if getting more acquainted with your family is in my best interest. Neither you or Edward have said what you're really doing here or what you want, I don't know how getting to know more of you will change anything." I told her simply.

"Well, if you'd like too, he'd like to see you again." She told me with a polite smile.

Later, when I was leaving class I heard Edward speaking angrily to Alice in the hall before I walked out the door.

"What were you thinking?" He said to her just as I came around the corner.

I squinted my eyes at him in a disapproving glare but didn't say anything. He straightened up and then looked back and forth between us apologetically before telling her in a kind tone "We'll discuss this later." Then without a second glance he turned on his heel and walked away.

"What was that?" I walked up to her once he was gone.

"It's nothing." She smiled brightly. "Edward is just a little prone to over reaction, that's all." She shrugged it off and waved to me as she walked away. "I'll see you later Bella!"

"Bye." I responded quietly confused and with a little wave.

Edward wasn't in our Language and Literature class that night, and I was worried about it. Whatever conversation I had interrupted put him ill enough at ease that he found it necessary to miss our last class together.

I couldn't grab onto a single thing thought that would make sense for my alarm, and if I was being honest I wasn't really concerned so much as I was extremely curious. I didn't feel threatened by either Edward or Alice and I don't know why but I was positive that they meant me no harm. I just didn't know what _that_ meant.

I was so lost in thought with gathering my things and walking out the door that I was startled by Edward. "Bella?" He said.

"Oh." I turned around to where he was standing.

"Did I scare you?" He questioned with a chuckle. "I've never done that before, not to our kind anyway."

"No, yes..I'm mean, no, I was just surprised." I mumbled. "Um, what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you." He said, the beginnings of that overwhelmingly serious face making itself known.

"O.K..."

"I wanted to apologize" He said looking heavily into my eyes, "for earlier with Alice."

"Don't you think you should be apologizing to her for that?" I said to him after forcing myself to remember how to breath.

"I have." He told me, now standing directly in front of me looking down at me with rapt eyes. "But I needed to apologize to you too."

"Why?" I murmured, unable to look away.

"I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me, I was concerned about something she had done, and Alice is right, I do have a tendency to overreact."

"OK." I replied to him again quietly.

"OK." He said to me intently, then slowly – as if waiting to gauge my response; he reached up and gently brushed a wayward strand of hair from my face, tenderly letting his fingers caress my skin before reluctantly moving his hand away and back down to his side.

Three things happened in that moment that I would spend the next several days going over again and again in my head, and a fourth thing that I couldn't explain.

The first was my anticipation for his touch, the yearning I felt deep within as he slowly reached for me, causing my breath to hitch on an intake before all together stopping.

Second, the wild igniting of electricity that jolted through my entire body as our flesh meet for the first time.

Third; and most importantly, why I couldn't stop thinking about it – Why I couldn't stop remembering the feel of his skin against mine or the look in his eyes as he reached for me with his touch. Why, no matter how many times I went over it, I still felt a rush of excitement flow through me every time I thought about it. And why, for the life of me, I couldn't get Edward Cullen out of my head.

In that moment, I felt familiar in his presence, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. As we looked into each others eyes, I tried to find something that would answer all my questions but before I was able to come to any conclusions Alice called to me "Bella! There you are." She said waving frantically at me.

I took an awkward step back from Edward before turning to look at Alice and in her direction. "Hi Alice." I said smiling back to her as I began to walk toward the exit door and in her direction.

Once I was next to her she and I finished walking out the doors together with Edward closely following behind. There was a group of people just out the door, and by the time I realized who they were it was too late for me to turn around and walk away.

"Bella, this is Jasper." She said to me indicating the tall blonde I remembered as the Jasper from the field.

"Hello Jasper, it's nice to see you again." I said politely to him.

"Hi Bella, it's a pleasure to see you as well."

I looked past him and noticed that Carlisle and the women Esme were here also. I gave them a polite smile while Alice continued "Bella, this is Rosalie." She said and I turned to look at who she was speaking of.

The stunning blonde stepped closer to me with curious eyes and a timid smile "Hi Bella."

"Hello, it's nice to meet you." I said to her while holding out my hand.

Her smile faltered a little as she nodded and held out her hand to me. "It's nice to meet you too." She said sadly.

I couldn't be sure, but by guessing at her reaction, I assumed she was someone I was supposed to have known from my past, like Edward and Alice.

Rosalie looked at Edward, who was standing beside me, and gave him a little smile before turning to stand beside Esme.

I was shifting my bag around getting ready to run and tell them all goodnight when heavy footfalls came from around the corner. I turned to the sound just as a big guy came around the corner with a huge grin plastered on his face.

"There she is!" He boomed as he walked up to me.

"Hi Emmett." I chuckled beaming back at him.

Silence filled the courtyard as seven shocked pairs of eyes landed on me; my smile fell from my face as I reached my hand up to cover the gasp coming from my mouth.

(4/18/11)


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: The way this chapter is written might be a little confusing. It jumps around a lot in past conversation, and thought...my suggestion is to re-read, at the very least, the last several paragraphs of Chapter 19, if not the whole thing.

Many thanks to those of you who responded, it _really_ is **very much appreciated** and I can not tell you enough how much I not only enjoy writing, but hearing from you all!

Special thanks to Sassy Petunia – I appreciate you 'prodding and pushing every last chapter out of me' ;)

~Eve

**Chapter 20: EPOV: My Beautiful Bella**

She ran. I tried to talk to her, tried to follow her, but unless she wanted you around it was impossible.

Over the last week I thought we were at the beginning of a break through with her, but with what happened with Emmett, I am more worried now than ever they she'll withdraw completely.

I have been pacing around her shield for the last several hours, hoping that she'll finally let me through so we can talk about what happened. I _need _to talk to her, I don't understand myself how or _why_ she would remember Emmett – and not me; but it doesn't matter, just at long as she is remembering. This could be a break through, something that I've dared to dream and hope for since the moment I first saw her, since the second I realized she didn't remember me; this could really be the start of getting my Bella back, my love.

"Please Bella" I pleaded with her again, placing my hand on her shield. I doubted she could hear me, from the point at which she was blocking me to her home was too far for me to see, perhaps if it was level ground that would be different, but I can't know for sure. I can't hear her thoughts and she hasn't responded to me once.

She knows I'm here though, and that's something. Whenever I touch the barrier, she's either pulled back or pushed me away. _At least she knows I'm here. _The first time I was in contact with her shield was in Laden Fields during the meeting, and the second was just over a week ago in our English class.

After leaving the Volturi; having been rejected by my request to join them, I was despondent trying to figure out how I would be able to get in contact with her. Luckily for me not all of the Volturi were aware of exactly how my ability works, and thanks to Jane, I obtained all the information I needed.

Leaving her that day, I already knew what I was going to do, and no sooner than I expected Alice called and told me she was going to join me. The rest of my family was hesitant and decided to stay back and wait to see how or what Bella would do in response to us joining her at the University.

Bella was more perfect than I could have ever possibly imagined, and achingly beautiful when she was angry.

**… **

"_What are you doing here?" She fumed, pushing me into the wall with her shield._

_I was so in awe with her and her ability I couldn't help the grin that swept across my face as I answered her in a teasing tone. "I'm here for class Bella, same as you." _

_She argued with me for a bit, staring at me with her golden eyes; eyes still as rich and deep brimming over with secrets as they ever were. _My beautiful Bella, how I wish you would remember me.

_She released me as I told her of my visit with Professor Hardwick, slowly I began walking around the room – to better see her from every angle, as I made my way to the seat Alice had told me would provide the best view._

_As soon as I sat she moved toward me as if to throw me out, unaware that students would soon be coming through the door at any moment. I smiled at the knowledge; I could still distract her, even if she didn't realize that that's what was happening. _

_I watched as realization flitted across her perfect features and winked at her to hide my true feelings for her. She glared at me; while I smiled in return, before she turned around to greet the students, and I settled in, preparing to watch her every move for the next hour._

"_You're supposed to be here to learn something and pay attention to the teacher – not stare at me." She said angrily._

"_I can do both." I chuckled at her, trying to keep it light and realizing that I needed to try harder to keep my affection for her in check._

"_Are you trying to irritate me to death?" She glared at me again, not appreciating my humor. I remembered a similar question in a different time, her anger towards me still just as entertaining._

_She ignored me for the rest of class, leaving me to watch her; leaving me to again memorize every perfect detail about this girl; – _the only girl in the world, the only girl that I will ever love;_ to reacquaint myself with every aspect of her being. – The way her silky hair rests softly behind her while the ends lightly hang just at the small of her back. The cross of her legs and the gentle rhythmic bounce of her slender foot. The smooth and elegant strokes of her pen as she puts it to paper. The way she draws in her full bottom lip between her teeth, just as she had when she was human, –she still takes my breath away._

_I watched her walk out of class early that day, a smug smile playing at the edge of her lips._

"_We need to pull back" Alice told me after having class with Bella herself. "Both of us."_

_I watched her mixture of visions as Bella debated again with herself about contacting the Volturi._

"_We're coming on too strong." She showed me that Bella would in fact contact them if we didn't let up on her over the next couple of days, and that she wouldn't if we gave her some space._

"_Alright." I agreed reluctantly, I wanted to keep up my teasing with Bella, it was always the best way to get a reaction out of her and it didn't seem to be any different now, but I didn't want her to contact _them_, I didn't want them to intrude and take her away from me again before I had a chance to get her to remember me, I at least had to try._

_Either way, I was here to fight for my girl_

_The rest of the week was a blur of small conversations and long glances. When I wasn't with her I was watching her, through the minds of those around her or with my own eyes. I had taken up spying on her again, just as I had before when I would sneak into her room late at night and watch her sleep._

_I didn't dare get to close to her home, not knowing whether or not she put up her shield, but I would get close; close enough that I could hear her talk and watch her as she moved about the house._

_When she was in the comfort of her own home was when I was rewarded with seeing all of Bella, the new Bella that was still my Bella._

_She had changed, I was sad to admit, but not enough that she was a completely different person, no, she was still in there, even if she couldn't remember herself._

_She was graceful in her movements, I would say even more so than Alice – and that was saying something._

_She looked happy too, and I couldn't decide if that made me upset or not. I was happy that she was happy, but sad that it wasn't because of me or with me. _

_The hardest part of watching her was when she was talking to _them. _Any of them really, but more specifically _him_; Demitri._

_I had quietly broken several branches during my watching hours of her. The look she would get on her face when she saw that it was him calling, or the way she would sit herself on the couch to talk to him, taking a strand of her soft hair in between her fingers to play with while she did. The laughter she exuded when he would say something she found funny, or the lustrous way she spoke to him as they were getting off the phone together, saying goodnight._

_It was the second hardest thing I've ever had to do; sit there and watch, listen to her speak that way with another. I wanted to kill him each time her phone would ring. I wanted to run to the Volturi and risk my life just to have the chance to rip him apart – limb from limb._

_I wanted to break through her door, take the phone way from her and crush it in the palm of my hand. _

_I wanted to lift her from the couch and tell her that I loved her; that I've **always** loved her and that there was nothing she could ever say or do that would ever change that; she was, is and always will be my life. That she was **mine** and that she **belonged to me – that she belonged with me.**_

_I wanted to place both my hands on the sides of her face and say these things to her while looking in her beautiful eyes, and after I would bring her mouth to mine and kiss her. Kiss like she's never been kissed before – _by anyone_, and then show her how I truly felt about her – all of her – worship her like the goddess she is; crush her against me while making her gasp for air and call out my name._

_I wanted to hold her to me; fitting her slender body tightly against mine –_ where she belongs_, and tell her again how I love her; in all the ways that I love her while planting tender kisses all over her precious skin. _

_I want her to accept my love, remember my love and return my love, in every way, and everyday of forever._

_** …** _

"Oh Bella." I whimpered, bowing my head and placing my fore head against her shield. I couldn't think about what I wanted to do, it was hard enough to think about what I needed to do and what was already being done.

…

…

"_Bella! There you are." Alice chimed, once again cutting in at the perfect time. Bella was about to ask me some questions that I couldn't answer just yet, no matter how badly I wanted too, she just wasn't ready for the truth._

"_Hi Alice." She replied, stepping back away from me. _

…

_While we were talking after class the following week, I had walked up to her, wanting to look in her eyes as I apologized for her witnessing me chastising Alice for her slip about Jasper. I didn't want her to think that it was a habit of mine to yell at my sister, or my normal behavior to act like such a jerk._

"_I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me, I was concerned about something she had done, and Alice is right, I do have a tendency to overreact." I told her looking down at her intently, trying to convey my sincerity._

"_OK." She replied to me in a breathy tone, acceptance laced in the word. I was so lost in her eyes and her presence that my simple "OK." was all I could muster in return._

_I couldn't stop myself, I had to touch her. She was so close to me – the closest she has been to me in over eleven years, I couldn't **not** touch her in this moment. Slowly, I raised my hand up to her face; giving her the time to move away if she chose too – and gently brushed a wayward strand of hair from around her eye and check bone. Even as I tenderly let my fingers rest on her smooth skin, caressing the soft sheath, it was over all to quickly and I reluctantly moved my hand away._

_Just as it had in the past, my skin tingled from her touch, the familiar electricity coursing through me, reminding me of our connection._

_Bella walked up to Alice and together they exited the door, where unbeknownst to her my family was waiting. After not seeing her for eleven years and knowing we had been with her for over a week without incident they couldn't find a reason to stay away._

_Even Rosalie wanted to see her again._

_It was many years after I had left Bella and during one of my infrequent trips home that she apologized to me for how she treated Bella and how she acted about our relationship. After watching me suffer from the loss of my love, and having to endure the aftermath of my decision she realized how unfair she had been and truly felt sorry for everything she had done._

_Rosalie was hoping for a second chance with Bella, even though she knew she didn't remember any of us._

"_Bella, this is Jasper." Alice said, officially introducing Bella to Jasper._

_A mixture of emotions were emanating from both of them. Jasper's were still and currently too much for me to focus on, especially with Bella right here, but I was instantly tuned in to Jasper, my first real read on Bella since that fateful night in Forks._

"_Hello Jasper, it's nice to see you again." She said to him politely, recognition in her voice as she held out her hand to shake his. She didn't indicate anything but slight embarrassment and an uncomfortable feeling, which I assumed was situational and not because of any one person._

"_Hi Bella, it's a pleasure to see you as well." He said to her affectionately. He was feeling a lot of guilt and responsibility for everything, past, present and future._

_Bella looked past him and smiled at Carlisle and Esme, while Alice continued to talk and introduced her to Rosalie._

"_Bella, this is Rosalie." She said, Bella turned and smiled at my sister while holding out her hand in the same gesture she extended to Jasper._

"_Hi Bella." Rose stepped forward and gently took Bella's hand into hers. _'Oh god Edward, she really doesn't know any of us does she? I'm so sorry.'_ She told me. She was hurt, for me, for my family and for her too._

"_Hello, it's nice to meet you." Bella's indifference to Rosalie was what made her facade crack, she tried to collect herself and replied quietly "It's nice to meet you too."_

_Rosalie turned to meet my gaze for a moment, the anguish in her eyes told me all I needed to know about how I must have looked each time I thought of Bella before finding her again and since. Rosalie would never do anything in the way of coming between love ever again. She hurriedly turned away and went to stand next to Esme', trying still to keep her composure and looking for comfort from our mother._

_Bella took a last look around the small group giving everyone another smile while readjusting her bag, the same way she always did when she was getting ready to run._

_I didn't want her to go, and neither did any of my family. They wanted her to come back to the house we were renting and talk to her. _

_Alice had brought pictures of all of us together in hopes that she would be able to show them to Bella someday soon._

_Esme' wanted to talk to her and get to know her again, ask her about everything that she has been doing since becoming a vampire. _

_Carlisle wanted to know her and get the answers to all these same questions, while at the same time wanting to examine her, ask her questions about her amnesia, he had hopes he could find a way to help her._

_We all wanted something more to do with her, more to say to her, more time to spend with her._

"_There she is!" Emmett bellowed as he rounded the corner, he was in such a hurry to get here to see her that he didn't think to edit what he would say. He had missed Bella in the same way everyone else had, but more closely to how Alice felt about her. He truly loved her and considered her a sister, he always had._

_Emmett's greeting smile was so genuine and affectionate it would have been hard for anyone to deny him a returning gesture and when Bella saw him and smiled back, I was rewarded with my first Demitri free expression making it's way across her face. _

_What I wasn't expecting, – what none of us were expecting was her greeting to him. ""Hi Emmett." She chuckled back at him, exuding recognition and comfort towards him through her feelings._

_The silence was audible._

_ **… **_

To say we were all shocked would be an understatement.

(4/18/11)


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: Thank you to the Vampire Diaries for 'lending' me their best.

**Chapter 21: Journal: Someone Else**

**June 2nd 2006**

I met someone.

Jacob and I went to a party last night out at first beach. I probably had too much to drink, but I had fun (I usually do with Jake) but last night was different.

His name is Damon. He's not anything like you or Jacob in that special way that you two are, not that I'm aware of anyway … and Jake said he didn't stink, so that has to be a something? Right?

But, more importantly, he's nothing like you.

I knew instantly that he wouldn't remind me of you in anyway, he was forward and brash, unapologetic, – almost to the point of being rude... and, I liked it. I felt new around him, and for whatever reason he wanted to spend time with me, so I let him.

He has a bike, which you know I have a soft spot for ever since Jake and I fixed up those two a couple of years ago. It was stupid and dangerous, but he offered me a ride and I accepted.

Jacob and his girlfriend Liz were to preoccupied to notice, otherwise I would have never been able to get away with something so reckless, but I did, and it was exhilarating.

He took me around on the old back roads where we eventually ended up at the top of a cliff looking over the water.

He kissed me.

He didn't ask, he didn't take it slow and he didn't hesitate. He walked up to me, wrapped his arm around my waist, held the back of my head and kissed me, long, deep and hard.

He said he liked me. Just like that, no romantic twist, no games.

I like you.

He said to me as he continued to hold me firmly against him, and then before I could answer or reply with anything he kissed me again, and then told me we were leaving and got back on his bike.

It was, sexy. The way he just took control of me and the situation, and it was exciting.

I can't wait to see him again.

_10 Years Ago..._

"_Oh, teens today and their underage drinking. Tragic." The guy next to me stated, startling me by leaning down while speaking into my ear._

"_Excuse me?" I asked him, turning around and taking a step back from his close proximity._

"_I'm Damon" He said sticking out his hand "and you are Bella Swan."_

"_I am." I confirmed to him skeptically, bringing my hand up to meet his._

"_A pleasure." He said with a glint in his eye as he took my hand in his, curling my fingers around his own while bringing my hand up to his lips; placing a light kiss against my knuckles._

_He smiled at me as he let my hand go, walking past me towards the beach he asked "Are you here with anyone?" he spoke to me while looking out at the water._

"_Yes." I told him, beginning to feel mildly defensive about his attitude. _

"_Other than your friend Jacob and his girlfriend Lizzie." He turned toward me with a squint and a smirk._

"_How did you..." I trailed off, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of catching me off guard. Straightening my shoulders I said to him "I know a lot of people here. Most of them actually."_

"_Of course you do." He turned fully toward me with a smile. "But, you're not here with any -_one _of them are you?" He stated rather than questioned._

"_Come on,let me get you another drink." He told me; wrapping his arm around my shoulders, without allowing me to answer, reply or accept his offer._

"_You're kind a demanding for someone I don't even know." I told him as I stumbled my way over the rocks._

"_Yeah." He said, humored and unaffected by my statement._

_Damon ushered me over to the beer coolers keeping his hand on my back as he gently guided us to our destination. Once there he went over to one of the coolers and reached in, grabbing out a beer and cracking it open before handing it to me._

_Once the beer was in my hand, he went over to another cooler and pulled out a bottle of water._

"_Thanks." I said to him, but it sounded more like a question._

"_You're welcome." He said back to me, coming over to cheers me with his bottle._

"_You're not drinking?"_

"_Nope."_

"_Why not?" I asked a little miffed._

_He chuckled at me before answering "I'm not some drunk sorority chick Bella." He said giving me a wink. "You can't roofie me." _

"_What?" The word came out a little breathy from my confusion._

_He laughed at me and my obvious fluster before telling me "I don't drink and drive B."_

_He shoved off the car he had been leaning on and started walking down the row of vehicles. "Or ride as it where tonight." He said, pointing at a black and silver bike._

"_Is that yours?" I asked, instantly more excited about my new friend._

_I walked over to the bike and began running my hand over the metal frame and leather seats. Damon followed, watching me as I circled and inspected the motorcycle. I thought of mine and Jacobs bikes that were locked up in his dads garage under a tarp. We used to have so much fun riding those old things, even though we haven't done it in quite a while. Thinking back on it made me smile._

"_Do you want to go for a ride?"_

_I looked up at him without answering, and then began searching the grounds around us, looking to see if Jacob was in sight._

"_They don't have to know." He told me conspiratorially, walking around me and gently brushing up against me as he took the helmet off the back of the bike. "We'll be gone and back before anyone has time to notice that you were gone."_

"_O.K." I agreed, totally convinced by him. I don't know if it was the beer or Damon himself, but I felt comfortable enough with him to get on the back of his bike without a second thought._

_I hurriedly finished what was left of my beer and shoved the helmet on my head._

_Damon didn't wait for me to do either; he climbed on the motorcycle and kick started the engine before the helmet was fully pressed on my head. My hands were a little shaky as I climbed on behind him and gingerly wrapped my arms around his torso. _

_Suddenly he let go of the handle bars and grabbed both of my hands. "I won't let you fall Bella, but you have to hold on." He said to me fervently while tightening my hold around him._

…

_We rode around for awhile before finally coming to the top of a wide, open cliff with a great view of the ocean. There was a soft warm breeze as we looked out on to the moon sheathed water, the gentle rhythmic waves crashing bellow as the only sound in the night._

_I turned toward him to thank him for bringing me here when the look on his face stopped me from speaking. Damon took the few shorts steps between us, effectively putting our bodies tightly against each other. He wrapped one arm strongly around the back of my waist, while bringing the other up around my should to grasp the back of my head as he brought his mouth against mine._

_The kiss was so intense I melted into it, letting his need and my own take over my body and my reactions. I wrapped both my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer into him, my body tingling from head to toe from its intensity._

_Damon's kiss was strong and passionate, taking everything he wanted but giving me more in return – I didn't want it to end._

**June 10th 2006**

I'm seeing Damon again tonight. I haven't seen him since that first night at the beach. We've only talked once on the phone, so I'm a little nervous but still excited.

It's so stupid that I feel like I'm cheating on you, in just a few short months you'll have been gone for two years.

I should get over you right? I mean, you've moved on, so what's my problem?

I'm really going to try with Damon, he's so different from you that it might be possible.

All of the other dates I've been on have been a disaster. They either try to hard or say something too soon that reminds me of you. It might have been too soon for me anyway.

I'm really excited about the possibility that, for even just awhile, with Damon, I'll be able to focus on someone other than you.

Even if it only lasts, for just a little while.

_10 years ago..._

_*Knock. Knock. Knock.*_

"_Jake will you get that please!" I hollered from the bathroom. I was finishing combing through my hair when the door knocked, I figured it would be Damon coming to pick me up._

"_Hey." Jake said opening the door._

"_Hey yourself." _

"_You're here early." Jake said to him, being Jake. I had to roll my eyes, was he seriously trying doing the whole 'man of the house' thing again! "What's up."_

"_I've come to eat cotton candy and steal your girl." Damon told him coming into the apartment._

"_hmm. Good luck with that." Jake replied to him with humor in his voice as he closed the door._

"_I don't need luck. I'm me." Damon replied with a smirk._

"_Cocky much?" I asked walking into the room to stand in between the two of them._

"_Very much." Damon replied scandalously._

_Jacob looked at me as he gaffed in response, while I turned red as a tomato. Wow. _

"_T.M.I. Dude." Jacob said to him, and then was serious "And Bella here is a lady. All joking aside, I expect you to treat her as such."_

"_Jacob!" I chided him, but it didn't matter, him and Damon were having there own conversation._

_"Of course." Damon told him seriously._

"_I'm glad we agree." Jake said to him stoically, and then stuck his hand out. _

_They both shook hands as if they had just made some sort of deal or transaction, while I watched, feeling a little put-out, embarrassed and annoyed._

"_You know Jacob." Damon said once they let each others hand go, "I look at you and I see myself."_

"_Really?" Jake asked him sarcastically with a smirk._

"_A less dashing, less intelligent version." Damon returned the smirk._

_Jacob just chuckled at him before coming over to kiss the top of my head. "Have fun tonight Bells." He said and then turned for the door, "And take care of _my girl_." He told Damon before leaving the apartment._

_I turned to look at Damon; once Jake had closed the door ,to ask him what that was all about but didn't get the chance._

"_Protective of you isn't he?" Damon questioned me, and then just like the first time we met, he didn't let me finish, he walked up to me and pulled me in for a kiss. 'God, that's hot' I thought as I pulled him closer._

**June 16th 2006**

I'm having a really great month. I just wanted you to know.

**June 20th 2006**

Happy Birthday.

**June 30th 2006**

Well, it's been a month and Damon and I are still seeing each other. My little apartment is full. Jake has always been a permanent fixture around here, only going home once or twice a week, and since he stays here Liz usually stays with him a couple of nights, and as of lately Damon's been staying over too. It's kind of nice, I always liked being alone, it never really bothered me, but I didn't realize that I would enjoy having a house full of people either.

Keeps me busy and my mind off of you that's for sure. The apartment is too small to really hide anywhere, not that I want to, but if I did it wouldn't last for long.

Damon is taking me to Seattle for the weekend, he won't tell me what we are doing but I'm hoping it has something to do with Death Cab for Cutie, I'm so excited!

I really think you would have liked Damon. I know Emmett would have, they have that whole sports thing in common.

For right now, I'm having fun with this. I'm just letting myself go … and on the nights that I'm alone, I try not to think of you, so that I can continue to enjoy right now.

_10 years ago..._

_Damon and I have been in Seattle for a whole day and he still won't tell me what we are doing. He took me out to dinner last night to The Waterfront Seafood Grill. It's right on the peir looking out at Puget Sound. It was amazing, and the food was good too._

_We did all the touristy things, we went to the Aquarium and Pike's Place, we walked around downtown and finally went to the Space Needle to look out at the city. It was a really great night, ending at the hotel._

_We were just finishing lunch at Denny Park when he stood, pulling me up with him._

"_Are we finally going?" I asked him excitedly._

"_Almost." He said mischievously. He then took a bandana from his back pocket and walked around me._

"_Hold still." He told me, and then started to cover my eyes with the cloth._

_"What are you doing?"_

_He didn't answer me immediately, he finished tying the blindfold and then said "Now we are going."_

"_Damon...I can't go anywhere like this, I can't see!"_

"_I'll lead you, don't you trust me?"_

"_Yes, but..."_

"Come Bella." He said ignoring me, he wrapped his arm around my back and placed his other hand on my shoulder that was next to him, sort of steering me.

_He lead me over to his bike, where he helped me get on._

"_This is kidnapping." I huffed._

"_That's a little melodramatic, don't you think?"_

_I didn't reply, I just held on a little tighter. We rode around for what felt like hours, but was probably only about fifteen minutes._

_When we finally stopped I could hear people around me; a lot of people._

"_Where are we?" I asked, – again not receiving a response, instead he just took up the same position and began leading me further into the sound._

We stopped once and one of his hands left my body, and then he was gently pushing me through something that made a clicking sound.

Not long after that and bumping into a ton of people along the way, he finally stopped and whispered in my ear.

"We're here." And then he took off my blind fold.

**July 5th 2006**

It was Death Cab for Cutie, and it was awesome! I had so much fun, … I really have fun with him, he's great. The whole weekend with him was amazing.

I feel bad for saying that to you, but he really is . I can't describe him, but he's great.

I really like this guy.

**July 18th 2006**

I'm not going to feel guilty about being with him anymore. I'm happy and I want to enjoy it. You left me. Not the other way around.

**July 29th 2006**

Damon surprised me again today. You know how I hate surprises, but this wasn't bad, not that last time was bad, it wasn't at all. I guess he's figured me out a little more. There wasn't anyone around, no embarrassing group gatherings, blindfolds or anything, just him and me.

He cooked me dinner. It was awful.

But truly one of the sweetest things, and with a little red it was one of the best nights I've spent in my apartment.

_10 Years ago..._

"_Bell!" Damon bellowed as he came through the door, I had just gotten out of the shower so I quickly wrapped a towel around myself before stepping out the door._

"_Yeah?" _

"_I have a surprise..." He was saying and then stopped once he saw me._

_I blushed; rethinking my attire as I made myself known, but ignored both our reactions and decided to tease him instead. "A surprise Damon? You know I don't really like surprises." I said to him and then pulled my hair over to one side, trying to shield myself with it._

"_But I do." He said cocking up one of his eyebrows._

_We looked at each other for a few tense moments before he told me "Get dressed and come out when you're ready." And with that he turned away and began shuffling whatever is was that he brought with him._

_I hurried back into the bathroom to dry off , get dressed and comb through my hair, once I was finished I went back out to where he had been making a lot of noise and sporadically cussing._

"_What are you doing?" I asked with a laugh as I walked into my kitchen. He had what seemed like every pan and dish I owned scattered all over the kitchen, with bags of groceries mixed in._

"_I'm making you dinner." He told me without turning around._

"_Is that what you call this?" I teased him._

_With that he finally turned around to smile at me, coming over to sneak in a kiss._

"_Cute pj's" He said appraising me._

_Two hours later Damon had managed to put together what looked like red sauce and noodle blob, but was supposed to be chicken parmesan._

_He wouldn't let me help him with dinner, no matter how many times I tried or asked. In the end we had a batch of both over cooked and under cooked noodles, burnt chicken and watery spaghetti sauce with chunks._

"_This is garbage." he told me when it was all done._

"_Let me try it. You went through all this trouble, I at least get to try it." I didn't want to, but he looked kind of pitiful right at the moment._

_He looked at me skeptically and then shook his head. I rolled my eyes at him and gently pushed him out of my way to grab a plate and put some of 'it' on._

_He copied me and we both sat down across from each other at the small table in the next room. It was like a stand off, the way we both looked at each other, daring the other with our eyes to try it first._

"_Come on," I said to him "it can't be that bad." I faked nonchalance._

_Looking down at my plate I couldn't decided where I didn't want to begin, so I just picked the middle, stuck my fork in and cut through what was there - actually I sawed through what was there, but that's not the point._

_When I had a bite sized amount cut up I stuck my fork in it and popped it into my mouth._

_The flavor on contact wasn't bad, but once I swiped it over to the side of my mouth to chew I was treated to the full effect, and as I crunched down on whatever it was that I had stuck in my mouth I smiled at him through the rough biting._

"_How is it?" He asked warily._

"_mmm." Was my genius reply while nodding and continuing to chew._

_With that he took his fork and cut through his pile and put a huge bite in his mouth, chewed twice and spit it out._

"_BLAH! That's disgusting!" He said wiping his mouth and grabbing for his glass of wine. "Bella spit it out!" he ordered and then took a long pull off his glass._

_I couldn't help the laugh that finally bubbled over and out through the food that was in my mouth, I managed to choke down the bite that I had before reaching for my own glass to swish my mouth with._

_Damon didn't hesitate to grab both our plates and toss the food in the garbage. When he had everything thrown away, he tied up the bag and stomped out of the house to throw it in the dump._

_When he came back in I handed him his refilled glass of wine and turned to look at the mess in the kitchen. The laughter that followed from both of us set the mood for the rest of the evening._

**July 30th 2006**

It was one of the greatest nights, but an even better morning...and afternoon.

I won't be writing for awhile. After last night I realized I've been splitting my focus with Damon.

I can't think about you while being with him. That's not fair to him, and I want it to be.

I'm with someone else, and you can't be here.

(4/19/11)


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22: Theory**

It was weird, the way his touch affected me. Even him touching my shield sent a shiver of electricity down my spine.

…

It's been just over a day that I started blocking everyone away from me. After what happened with Emmett I needed time alone to think.

I still don't know how I knew his name or knew who he was, but I remember him. It doesn't make any sense.

I can't recall knowing him from my past, but I recognize his face. I knew who he was by the sound of his voice though we've never had a conversation. I feel like I know him, like he's important to me, but I have nothing to draw on.

However, I have a theory.

Emmett reminds me of Felix. Almost immediately I accepted that. They are both big – in life and in size, and in very different ways look alike. Their skill is their strength and they are intensely loyal to both their friends and their family. They are big goofs who like to joke around and have a good time, and take very little seriously...how do I know that? Because of Alice.

Alice, in all her yammering over the last week spent a lot of time talking about everything; including her family members. Emmett came up quite often. I know from her that _'Emmett is a big man child'_ and the he and Rosalie are together. His favorite game to hunt is bear and that a bear is why he is a vampire. Emmett loves sports and games and he spends a _'dumb inducing amount of time'_ playing his Playstation.

I know all of this and much more because of Alice. That has to be why he was so familiar to me, add that with the fact that he reminds me of Felix and _voila_' – Emmett equals someone I recognize.

Of course that's what I keep telling myself anyway. It all makes perfect sense. So it must be.

…

I knew he was still out there, I could feel him brushing up against my shield as he paced the ground, and I could hear him talking.

The land surrounding my house was wild and uneven, so even though I wasn't shielding very far out, I knew no one would be able to see my home or me as I spent the last several hours going over everything in my head, but they wouldn't know how far out they were.

I quietly left the walls of my home to walk around my property. I had to see him.

After having spent so much time with Demitri I've learned a thing or two about tracking, and even as quiet as our kind is, there are still ways to be even more so.

When I found where he was, I scaled a tree to perch on as I waited and watched his movements.

He looked distraught and unsettled as he paced the bracken floor. Every so often he would stop and look in the direction of my house, and then his shoulders would sag as he shook his head and began pacing again.

His expressions changed often too, I wished I could know the thoughts that went along with them. There were times he would look so angry; his jaw would clench as his fists balled up, I could see the dangerous vampire lurking within. While other times he was solemn and statuesque; strikingly beautiful in his affliction, a vulnerability that I've seen so rarely in our kind.

The hardest times to watch him were when he was sad. Sad – that doesn't accurately describe the look on his face; it was devastating, agonizing and empty.

I was just getting ready to leave; unable to watch any longer, when before I could he broke again. This time was the worst as I watched his face shatter in pain; I couldn't breath.

"Oh Bella." He mourned the words. Then once again; as they had several times before, he sagged his shoulders – an invisible weight barring down on him, bowing his head and letting it fall against my barrier.

I could feel him against me, pushing on my heart as I held him up; supporting him so he wouldn't fall. It was heartbreaking.

I had to leave after that, I couldn't watch him any longer.

I slide down the tree and began to walk away and back to my house, pulling my shield with me. I felt the loss as soon as I was no longer in contact with Edward, and like I knew he would, it didn't take him but a breaths notice to start following me.

I didn't acknowledge him and he didn't say anything to me until we were at my front porch "Edward" I said before turning around.

Upon me speaking his name he took a step forward and brought up his arm to reach out for me. I put up my hand to stop him "Please, just let me say this." He dropped his arm back down and nodded to me without saying a word.

"I know you and your family are going to try and turn this into something that it's not, and at first I was questioning it myself. But I need you to believe me when I say, I don't remember him or you or any of you, we've been over this." I said to him, still holding out my hand so that he wouldn't speak. "I have now meet all of your family, they were all there except for Emmett. I knew who he was out of process of elimination, that's it."

"No, Bella..."

"Please, just let me finish." I cut him off before he could say anything more. "Alice has spent an exhausting amount of time talking during our class together, she has spoke about each and every one of you repeatedly. When I saw Rosalie, I knew Emmett wasn't far behind. He had to be close, they never go anywhere without each other, at least not for long periods of time." I told him and then began to walk the porch in a pace.

"From everything that Alice has said about Emmett, he reminds me of Felix, both of which are pretty hard not to like." I smiled and then turned back around to Edward to finish what I was saying. "Through Alice, I've gotten a pretty good idea about who Emmett is, and when he wasn't there with the rest of them, but showed up and addressed me the way that he had ,of course I knew it was him, who else could it have been? You all keep insisting that you know me, and that's fine, you probably did, so it's not unexpected for him, and the way he is, to reintroduce and make himself known like that." I finished saying, and then added, "That's it. There is no other explanation."

When I finished talking he looked at me and then started shaking his head. "You're still so stubborn Bella." He stated while looking at me; searching my face.

I was a little shocked by his examination of me, I had been told similar things for years and knew it to be true myself, but hearing it from him was a little befuddling.

"You really believe that that's all there is to it don't you?" He again stated, but in the form of a question.

"Of course I do." I told him, squaring off my shoulders at the challenge.

"Well, you're wrong."

"Excuse me?" I huffed at him.

"You're wrong." He said straightening himself. "You are so willing to accept a lie but not the truth, why? Why can't you believe what you know to be true, you know us Bella, we are familiar to you..." I started shaking my head; silently arguing with him, as he continued to talk. "I saw you, I saw the look on your face – you recognized him Bella."

"No Edward..."

"Yes you did." He argued back, cutting me off. "I've tried to be patient with you, hoping that you would remember on your own, hoping that you would give us a chance and let us talk to you; tell you what we know, but you keep insisting that there isn't anything." He paused for a moment.

"That couldn't be further from the truth Bella, we love you...I.." He stopped talking, and then whipped his head towards the back of my house. The look on his face was fierce and I was momentarily confused by his sudden change in attitude, before hearing for myself the rustling as someone approached my home.

"Fuck." Edward hissed in the direction of the sound and then grabbed a hand full of his hair and tugged on it, I've seen him do this before and now realize it is something he does out of frustration.

A second later I heard my back door open "Bella..." Demitri cooed as he came through the door. I was surprised that he was here and looked in the direction of Demitri's voice in confusion, before turning back to Edward.

His face had taken up his familiar solemn look, now etched hard while looking angry as he was looked down at me, searching my face. I couldn't look away from him, he was so intense.

I was standing in front of the big window that was in my living room when Demitri saw me "Hey, there you are, what are you doing out there..." He said and then trailed off once he opened the door and saw Edward standing in front of me. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He yelled angrily.

"Back off." Edward seethed, but didn't take his eyes off of me.

Demitri took a few steps forward and then stopped when we heard the rustling of six pairs of feet coming towards us. I broke eye contact with Edward to look towards the on coming sound and found that the rest of the Cullen's were approaching my house.

Demitri very deliberately came towards us and put himself in between Edward and I. "Bella." He ordered he – he wasn't asking; he was telling me to put up my shield, ordering me as a Volturi guard and not my boyfriend.

I stepped around him, putting myself in between the two of them. "They aren't going to hurt me Demitri."

Demitri's responding glare was almost enough to make me shrink back from him, but I didn't, I stood my ground and very calmly looked at Edward. "Edward here was just leaving when you showed up, weren't you Edward."

"No, I wasn't as a matter of fact." He spoke politely to me while he stared down Demitri.

"Bella, somebody better tell me why the fuck they are here, and _you_ better tell me **why the hell** you didn't notify us of their presence." Demitri clipped out on a tight jaw.

"Demitri..." I started to say.

"Do **not** speak to her that way." Edward seethed taking a step forward towards him.

Demitri smirked before saying "It's none of your business and I'll speak to her however I choose." He barked back standing himself up a bit straighter.

"Not in my presence and I'm making it my business." Edward told him, grinding his teeth together as his fists balled up by his side.

"Bring it. I've been itching for a reason to take you down."

"You have no idea."

"ENOUGH!" I yelled at both of them. "What is the matter with you two? You have no reason to be acting like this." I turned to look at Demitri "I will explain everything later, if you will let me." He pulled his eyes off Edward and looked at me, then gave me a single nod and took a step back.

I turned to Edward next. "You need to go, I've already said everything I needed to say to you."

"I haven't said everything I need to say to you."

"I'm asking you to leave."

"Bella..."

"Please Edward, just go."

He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, then he too nodded in compliance. Edward had turned and took two steps before coming to a halt and spinning back around to look at Demitri.

"Not a chance." He said to him.

I hadn't heard Demitri say anything, but by the look on his face I knew they were having their own conversation, one that I could only hear half of.

"I'll be fighting for her too. You should know _that_."

I looked back over to Edward, confused by the words he was saying. There was a short pause as Edwards facial expressions shifted around before he continued.

"I'm not taking anything for granted, and I'll be fighting twice as hard as you will."

"Good." Demitri finally spoke out loud, pushing himself off of the railing that he had casually been leaning against. "It's no fun beating someone who forfeits."

"I didn't say I would fight fair."

"Neither did I."

"Best of luck." Edward finished, with a smirk. He looked down at me, giving me a polite smile and a goodbye nod. "Bella." He said and then turned around to leave with his family.

I watched after them for a moment before turning to Demitri. "What the was that all about?"

"That's what I'd like to know Bella, what the hell _was_ all that about? Why are they here? How long have they been here and why the **hell **haven't you said anything to me about it?" He yelled at me.

"I was trying to figure out what they want, and I didn't want any interference."

"Interference? Is that was you think this is? That I'm interfering!" He growled.

"That's not what I said." I yelled back at him.

"That's exactly what you said Bella!"

"It's not what I meant! Of course you're not interfering! I just didn't want to have the guard hovering around, I wanted to find out what they wanted by myself."

"It's not up to you to decide who should be involved or not. It's your job to notify the guard with anything like this." He said through clenched teeth. "And you should have told _me._"

With that he walked past me, angrily going into the house. I followed him not wanting him to leave.

"Where are you going?" I questioned. "Don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere. Unlike you, _I _don't hide."

It might as well have been a slap to the face the way his words hit me, I flinched back away from him and then in a quiet and wounded voice told him "I'm not hiding anything from you."

"You keep telling yourself that Bella."

(4/28/19)


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: I've been questioned a lot about these types of chapters, so I feel the need to explain, just a little. It will be obvious why I am sticking these in here, but for now just know that they are 'flash backs' in time, and you are reading what Bella wrote in a journal and experiencing some of her past.

**Chapter 21: Journal: Not you **

**September 16th 2006**

It's been awhile since I wrote to you. I felt like I needed to give Damon a fair chance, and all my focus and attention, and writing to you wasn't allowing me to accomplish that.

These past few months have went by pretty quickly. I guess somewhere between the last time I wrote and now Damon and I got pretty serious. I'm not really sure how it happened, but it did.

I can't accurately describe how that makes me feel. I really enjoy spending time with him, even if we really don't spend that much time together. I usually only see him a few times a week, and those are the times when he comes down and stays with me.

When he's not around, I don't want him to leave, I absolutely and completely enjoy his company.

But when he's not around, I can't complain. I don't know how to explain the way I feel about him, I think he may feel more for me than I do for him. In fact, I'm almost certain of it.

I'm happy when he's around, but when he's not. I miss you.

**October 9th 2006**

Jake and Liz broke up, and I don't know why but that caused Damon and I to fight. We've fought before, lately, pretty often in fact, but he was so angry.

I think he might be jealous of Jacob, and now that he's not with Liz it's coming out.

Anyway, it caused a huge rift between the two of them, Damon doesn't care what people think about him, it was one of the things that first drew me to him. His take charge and 'just be' attitude, but now that same thing has caused this fight.

He didn't wait for Jacob to leave when we starting fighting about it, so Jacob being Jacob didn't take too kindly to what was being said, especially in front of him … ugh. It's such a mess.

Is it supposed to be this complicated?

I don't want to have to chose between the two of them, it's not really even a choice, I just don't want to be put in that situation.

Sometimes I wish Damon was a little more like you.

_10 years ago..._

_Jake and I were sitting on the couch together, his head in my lap, while I ran my fingers through his hair. We hadn't done much more than watch movies and eat junk food for the better part of the day. Jake and Liz have been broken up for over a week now, and he was taking it pretty hard, he cared about Lizzie more than even I knew._

_Damon came in through the door and into the living room "What's going on?" he looked at our position on the couch with a squint in his eye._

"_Not a lot." I told Damon with a sad smile, "we've sorta just been hanging out all day."_

"_There's some pizza on the table if you want, it's cold by now but I'm sure it's still good." Jake told him while rolling himself off me to sit up on the couch._

"_No thanks." Damon deadpanned._

"_There's some beer in the fridge too if you want."_

"_I said no thanks." Damon clipped out the words._

_Jacob must not have been paying much attention or he wouldn't have looked so unconcerned by the tone in Damon voice, I on the other hand immediately picked up on it._

"_Are you alright?" I asked him._

"_Great Bella. Walking on sunshine, thanks for asking."_

_I looked at him skeptically, there was something wrong, he wasn't usually this brash, not with me anyway._

_Jacob yawned loudly and then got up from the couch "I'm going to bed, this has been a long day."_

"_K, night Jake." _

"_Night Bells." He said and bent down to kiss the top of my head. "Night man." He nodded to Damon and then went back to his room._

_As soon as he closed the door Damon asked. "What's going on Bella?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_With you and Jacob, what was all that that I walked in on?"_

"_What are you talking about Damon, we were sitting on the couch."_

"_No, you were sitting on the couch with Jacob buried in your lap while you played with his hair."_

"_Whoa. Where is all this coming from?"_

_"Jacob and Liz broke up right?"_

"_Yes?" I told him questioningly, not sure what that had to do with anything at the moment._

"_So he's single now, and free to move on to you."_

"_What!"_

"_Oh don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about Bella."_

"I'm not acting like anything, I don't know what you're talking about. Jacob is my best friend, he has been for years." I told him defensively. "You know that."

"_It's more than that, friends don't act the way the two of you do together. I don't act that way with any of my friends."_

"_Act what way Damon? What way was so different tonight than it has been any other time, and if it bothered you so much why didn't you bring it up before. You know there is nothing going on between Jake and I."_

"_Right! Bella. I know that's what you tell me. Why's he always here anyway? Doesn't he have a home? Or clothes."_

"_Hey man, if you have a problem with me, then take it up with me. Stop badgering Bella about nonexistent things."_

_Jacob had spoke before I realized he was out of his room, this was getting out of hand. "Alright, this is ridiculous. Jake you go back to bed, and Damon and I will talk about this quietly in my room."_

"_No Bella, it's cool. Damon here has something to say to me, then lets let him say it." Jacob drawled casually with his arms folded across his chest._

"_Fine Jacob, you want to do this then lets do it." Damon said, squaring his shoulders. "You been taking advantage of your breakup with Liz and using it to move in on Bella. This last week you've done nothing but occupy her time and every day I walk in here or see you two together you're all wound up in on each other. What's your game Jacob?"_

"_I don't know what you think you are seeing, but Bella and I are just friends, she's being supportive right now, like she always is. Don't put your insecurities on me."_

"_You are the insecurity Jacob, why don't you keep your hands off my girlfriend."_

"_I'm not going to change the way I am with Bella or start treating her differently because of some misguided delusion on your part."_

"_Your trying weasel in Jacob, I see it._

"_Your seeing what you want to see."_

"_I don't want you around anymore."_

"_That's not your decision to make. I'm going to tell you this one time. _I'm not going anywhere._ You have no idea what the two of us have been through together or who you are dealing with." Jacob stood up straight, no longer casual, and took a step forward so he and Damon were face to face. "My advice to you is for you to figure out what your real problem is, and deal with is, cuz it isn't me. And just like I told you before, you better treat her right – or I _will _become your problem." He stood staring at Damon for a second before adding. "You feel me?"_

"_I was shaking. You've made your point." Damon told him flippantly._

"_Good." With that Jacob went back to him room and shut the door._

"_Damon, what is going on?"_

"_You just heard what is going on. I don't like him."_

_I didn't know what to say to that, this was all news to me. I thought Damon and Jacob were getting along fine. Not once did I think my relationship with Jake was a concern for Damon._

"_I'm sorry you feel that way."_

"_That's it. That's all you have to say to me?"_

"_What else do you want me to say?"_

"I want you to tell him to get the hell out of here."

"I can't do that."

"_Why not?"_

"_He's my family. If you can't handle that...then...I don't know Damon."_

_There was a pause while Damon and I stared at each other._

"_You decide Bella." He told me after a moment, and then walked out the door._

**October 22nd 2006**

It's been two weeks since Jacob told me he'd stay at his dads for a few days. He said he'd give Damon space and hope that he figured out that one; he wasn't a threat and two; that he'd always be in my life. I guess our relationship was tricky for Liz too, but she never said anything to me, or to Jacob until the end.

I don't see what Jacob and I have as a problem, I've tried to see if from their perspective, but I don't see what they see, I don't get it? Maybe it's because I'm biased.

Damon's been better since Jake hasn't been around, he apologized for the way he acted. I hope that this break Jake is giving him will be enough to show him that we really are just friends.

I won't give up Jacob, or keep him away. He's the only thing that has made sense to me since you left, if I lost him too... I don't know what I'd do.

I don't think I could handle it, right now, I barely do as it is.

**November 15th 2006**

Damon found my journal. What a nightmare.

_10 Years ago..._

"_Damon." I called out as I walked through the door. I was just getting off from work and had gone to the store before coming home, Damon was here for a couple of days staying with me._

_I went into the kitchen and put the bags of groceries on the counter and started putting them away. When I was finished I still hadn't heard anything from Damon so I called out quietly again, thinking maybe he had fallen asleep in my room._

_I took my shoes off and padded down the hall to my room "Damon?" I questioned quietly as I pushed open my bedroom door._

_There, sitting in my reading chair and holding my journal was Damon. I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to decide which emotion was more prevalent at the moment. I went with anger._

"_What are you doing!" I hollered and went over to him and ripped my journal out of his hands._

"_Just some light reading."_

"_This is my personal journal, how could you read this?"_

"_Easy, I picked it up and opened it. Pretty heavy stuff."_

"_How dare you!" I felt my anger peaking, while I desperately tried to hold myself together, my traitorous tears threatening to spill over._

"_How dare I? Are you fucking kidding me Bella, how dare you! Have you read what you wrote in that thing? What you wrote about me? I can't believe you write to your ex-boyfriend in your journal like this. What the hell!" He yelled at me._

"_You had no right!" The tears spilled over as I clutched the hardback to my chest._

"_How do you think that makes me feel? Reading that shit about him and me and 'Jake' " He sneered the last word. "What did you think was going to happen, that I'd be happy about it and not __take offense."  
_

"_You weren't ever supposed to read it Damon! It's my personal thoughts! You were never intended to know ANY of what I wrote in this book! I can't believe you."_

"_But, you intended for Edward to read them!" He fumed "Didn't you?"_

_He paused waiting for me to answer and when I didn't he asked me again. "You did, didn't you. Has he already read them? What Bella?"_

_Another pause. "Your silence is deafening."_

"_No! ok, No, He hasn't read them and he never will."_

"_Then why do you write to him? What's the point?"_

"_I don't know" I flopped myself in the vacant chair that he had been sitting in. _

"_You don't know." He snorted and rolled his eyes "Right, and I'm supposed to believe you and be ok with the fact that you're writing your ex-boyfriend and comparing me to him. That's just great Bella."_

"_That's not what I'm doing." I hiccuped the words._

"_Then what is it? And skip the teen drama and just get to it" He scowled._

"_I don't know what you want me to say Damon, he left me, I've never seen him again and it hurt, so I started writing about it and haven't stopped. That's it." I said wiping angrily at my tears._

"_Don't give me that goody goody crap. You're still in love with him. Its pretty obvious on those pages that you're holding onto so desperately. And you've made it pretty clear where I stand in all this too, you'd choose both Jacob and this Edward over me if it came down to it."_

"_I didn't mean for this to hurt you Damon."_

"_Of course not Bella, you never do." He said, leaving me alone and crying in my room._

**November 19th 2006**

He knows about you now, not all of you, but he knows of you. These last few days have been horrible. He wanted to know everything, so I told him all that I could.

I haven't had to relive any of this for such a long time, it was painful. I hated it. Each time.

Having to repeat what he already knew again and again just so that he would feel comfortable with it, it wasn't fair.

And I miss Jake.

He and Damon made up, sort of, but he still doesn't come over like he used too, not when Damon's in town anyway.

He finally left today. I've never been so happy to be alone since my very first day in Forks.

I'm so angry with him for making me tell him about you, for him reading my personal thoughts with no consideration for me or my feeling whatsoever AND then to get angry with me over it?

I don't know if I can keep doing this with him.

I've known for awhile now, for a long while, that it wasn't working. I just wanted to try, I wanted it to work, not forever. I have other plans for my forever, but for awhile at least, just so that I didn't have to be alone.

**December 7th 2006**

I can't do this anymore with him. I'm done.

All we do is fight. Fight about you, about Jake, about what to watch or where to go, about everything.

The thing is, is he's not a bad guy. He really isn't. He's smart and funny and sweet. He's still demanding and take charge, but I always liked that about him, I still do. He treats me great, when were not fighting that is and he's fun. I have so much fun with him, and he's beautiful, and he thinks that I'm beautiful. He's really truly wonderful.

He's just not you.

_10 years ago..._

_I had invited Damon over so that we could talk. We originally had plans to go out, but I can't, I can't do this anymore. He's still angry about the journal and even though him and Jacob are speaking civilly to each other, I know he still doesn't like him and it causes tension._

_He came in through the door, "I'm in here." I told him quietly from the living room. I have been pacing the apartment for the last hour trying to figure out exactly how I was going to approach this. I like Damon, I just can't be with him anymore, but I don't think we can be friends either. _

"_Hey." He said coming in the room, looking at me with knowing eyes._

"_Hi." I said to him, giving him a weak smile. I couldn't look at him, so instead I looked down at my hands as I continued to ring them together._

"_So this is it then?" He said to me, making me look up in surprise."You're finally going to do it."_

"_What?" I breathed out._

"_Break up with." He laughed without humor. "I knew it was coming."_

"_Damon, I..." _

"_Don't bother Bella. Like I said, I knew this was coming." _

"_I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore."  
_

"_Wow. Your search for life's purpose is as obvious as it is tragic."_

"_Don't be mean, I never meant to hurt."_

"_I know Bella, I really do know that." He sat down and put his head in his hands. "I love you though. Did you know that?" He looked up at me "Probably not since I never told you."_

"_Damon." I said, sitting down on the couch next to him, tears trailing down my checks. "I'm sorry."_

"_Don't be Bell. I don't regret any of the time we've spent together."_

"Neither do I." I told him sincerely, reaching out and putting my hands around his face. "I really do care about you."

"_I know." He said sadly, looking into my eyes as he put a hand around the back of my head. He looked at me for a moment, and with his other hand wiped away a tear before leaning in to give me a last kiss before saying, "It's just not enough."_

(4/19/11)


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24: EPOV: In her own words.**

"Bella..." Demitri was calling out for her as soon as he made it to the house and opened the door. I looked back to Bella's face, trying to control the anger that was rising in me at Demitri's approach. I will have to watch myself with him around, or I might end up actually getting one of us killed.

She was looking at me intently while I searched her face, waiting for some reaction to let me know what she was thinking and feeling. I couldn't stand the thought of her feeling something more strongly for him than she did for me.

"Hey, there you are, what are you doing out here..." He was saying to her when he opened the door. The violent thoughts that came to his mind the instant he saw me had me on high alert. Would he really be stupid enough to try anything with Bella standing right here?

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He yelled at me.

"Back off." I told him through gritted teeth, ready to pounce if he made any attempt at physical violence in her close proximity.

I could here the thoughts of my family's fast approach and hoped they would get here before Demitri solidified his plan any further to attack me.

He planned to shove me from the porch before actually attacking me, even though his motives weren't out of concern for Bella, I still gave him some credit for this, it allowed one less thing for me to do. He'd only taken a step when he picked up on their presence and moments later we could hear their footfalls approaching the house. It was enough to make him stop and re-evaluate the situation.

Instead of attacking me he put himself in between Bella and myself, switching from outraged boyfriend to Volturi guard member in a split second. "Bella." He ordered her, knowing that she would obey and understand his command without further instruction.

She surprised both of us by not complying, instead she stepped out from behind him and put herself in the middle of the two of us. "They aren't going to hurt me Demitri." She told him.

The look he gave her was enough to set me over the edge. I instantly started running over several attack possibilities.

_'Edward, don't do anything stupid.'_ Alice's mental voice rang loud in my head.

Bella stood her ground with Demitri, she didn't flinch away from him, though through her feelings she almost wanted too. Instead she continued on as if his looking at her that way meant nothing to her at all.

"Edward here was just leaving when you showed up, weren't you Edward." She told him.

I considered for a moment giving in to her silent request for me to leave, but with the look that was on his face, I wasn't going to be able to. "No, I wasn't as a matter of fact." I told her as sweetly as I could while staring down the vampire in front of me.

"Bella, somebody better tell me why the fuck they are here, and _you_ better tell me **why the hell** you didn't notify us of their presence." Demitri barked out at her.

Rage filled the rest of me that wasn't already simmering with anger towards the mongrel. How dare he speak to her that way, my hands twitched and balled up into tight fists; wanting to teach him some manners. "Do **not** speak to her that way." I hissed through clenched teeth, taking a step forward.

"It's none of your business and I'll speak to her however I choose." He smirked.

"Not in my presence and I'm making it my business." I informed him, my fists heavy at my arms.

"Bring it. I've been itching for a reason to take you down."

"You have no idea." I seethed, building my anger, remembering everything and every time I ever imagined pummeling the fool to death.

"ENOUGH!" Bella yelled at the both of us. "What is the matter with you two? You have no reason to be acting like this." Of course we do Bella, I thought wryly.

She turned to me after promising to explain everything to him later, when they were alone. "You need to go, I've already said everything I needed to say to you." She said.

"I haven't said everything I need to say to you." I told her. _ Not even close,_ I thought.

"I'm asking you to leave."

"Bella..."

"Please Edward, just go." I couldn't deny her, the plea in her voice and the look on her face was the only reason I would have to make myself go. She needed me to do this for her, so I would, however badly I didn't want to. I nodded, unable to keep the hurt from my voice and turned to walk away.

_'Don't think this is over Edward.'_

"Not a chance." I informed him, turning back around to face him.

_'You're in for a fight where she is concerned. I want you know that.'_

"I'll be fighting for her too. You should know _that_."

_'She may be from your past, but she's our present. She belongs with us. And she's with me, Don't forget.'_

"I'm not taking anything for granted, and I'll be fighting twice as hard as you will."

"Good." Demitri spoke out loud. "It's no fun beating someone who forfeits." He said in a cocky tone as he took a few steps towards me. He was confident in his win, he believed Bella would never leave the Volturi.

"I didn't say I would fight fair." No. Not when it concerns Bella. All's fair in love and war.

"Neither did I." He confirmed.

"Best of luck." I told him with a smirk. _You're gonna need it. _I thought before turning my focus back to Bella. I smiled down at her and gave her a small goodbye nod "Bella." I said and then turned around to meet my family.

I watched through Demitri's eyes as Bella watched us walk away. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.

_'You haven't won yet.'_ Jasper told me, feeling my elation and confidence.

I looked over at him and gave him a knowing smirk, one that he returned.

My elation was short lived though, and my anger returned quickly when I heard Demitri yelling at Bella. We were out of sight of the house, but still within hearing distance when they starting fighting and yelling at each other.

"_Interference? Is that what you think this is? That I'm interfering!"_ He was so mad he was practically hissing the words at her.

I started to turn around to go back when Jasper sent me a wave of calm before grabbing my arm to stop me.

"I know this is hard for you, but this isn't your business Edward. You need to let her handle her own affairs."

"Jasper, let go of my arm." I told him icily, I doubted very much he would agree if it where Alice and the situation were reversed.

"Edward, she'll be fine." Alice assured me, showing me that it was true.

"_It's not up to you to decide who should be involved or not. It's your job to notify the guard with anything like this, and you should have told_ me._"_ Demitri said to Bella through clenched teeth. He was looking down on her as he said this, anger flooding through him along with feelings and thoughts of betrayal. The look on her face was of hurt, couldn't he see that she was pleading to him with her eyes for understanding? It was so obvious to me.

"Come on, she won't accept your help right now. She needs to find her own way." Alice told me again.

I couldn't look away from the direction of the house, I still wanted to go to her, but I knew they were right. Bella would need time to figure everything out for herself, and my constant interference would be the opposite of helpful, at least right now, and this time. Without another word I nodded and then took off running.

When we were far enough away from the Bella's I stopped and turned to Alice. "How long until he gets here?" I asked her, watching her scan the future for what we were waiting for.

"Less than an hour." She told me with a look of frustration on her face.

Where there should have been something, there was nothing. We all had one guess as to why or who would be causing that.

Alice had come to me a few hours after Bella started shielding herself to inform me of what she couldn't see. I knew him coming was a bad idea, but at the time I couldn't think of anything else but getting Bella to talk to me. After deciding what to do, she left me alone again, hoping and waiting for Bella to let me in.

After several hours of her running through every possible location and possibility,she narrowed down the area in which we would find him, it proved especially difficult for her since by the way of his movements he obviously had no idea where he was going in Italy.

We went straight from Bella's place to the location that we expected him to be. After waiting for just over twenty minutes, I spotted him walking through a crowd of people. It didn't take him long to snap his head in our direction.

"Jacob." I said to him as he approached.

"Cullen." He sneered back. "I should have known you would be here waiting to get in my way."

"What are you doing here Jacob."

"That would be, none of your business." He said while thinking about Bella in the same sentence.

"You can't go see her."

"The hell I can't. What? Do you think _your_ going to stop me?" He scoffed.

"How do you expect to find her?"

"I don't know, sniff around. I'm sure I'll come up with something. I found you didn't I."

"_We_ found _you_." Alice corrected him. "So your plan is to wonder around like you have been for the last couple of hours until, maybe, you accidentally bump into her?"

He shrugged completely unconcerned.

"She has a Volturi guard with her." I told him hoping to detour him.

"She is a Volturi guard. What's your point."

"Jacob, maybe you should think about this some more before you go running off to find her." Carlisle decided to interject since what I was doing wasn't working. "She's a vampire now, she's not the same girl you knew. You've said yourself that we are natural enemies, that includes Bella now, Jacob."

"Maybe that's what he's planning to do. You going to try and kill her, since she's one of us." Emmett cut in, already taking a defending approach where Bella was concerned.

"NO!" Jacob yelled at him. "I would never hurt you!" He retorted. "The same can't be said for any of you bloodsuckers though. Why are you here? You didn't do enough damage the first time? Decide to come back and finish the job?"

"You better shut your mouth Dog, before I shut it for you." Rosalie fumed.

"Bring it on Blonde!"

The tension that was rolling off all of us was too much and Jasper sent out a strong wave of calm. We were in the middle of a crowed street, a vampire/werewolf fight would draw attention that none of us needed or wanted.

"Everybody needs to calm down." He said to us after we started to feel its affects.

"Jacob, maybe you should listen to Carlisle" Esme tried in her sweet and motherly voice. "We know how much Bella meant to you, but he's right, she's a vampire now. Not to mention the fact that she doesn't remember any of us, including you."

"I don't care about that." He said to her in a kind voice, he couldn't bring himself to speak to her disrespectfully, though he wanted to.

"So what, you just plan on going up to her and saying 'Hey remember me, I'm Jacob the one that almost started a war between our people and almost got us all killed. We used to be friends, wanna try that again?'" Alice said out of irritation. She couldn't see what Jacob would do while he was here, and whenever he came into contact with any of us, our futures would disappear too.

Jacob rolled his eyes at her without saying anything.

"No, he doesn't plan that." I told her. "He thinks he'll make her remember him. That all he needs is to spend some time with her."

"Well, if your done rummaging through my head," He said with a thick edge of annoyance, "why don't you get out of my way and let me get to it."

"You don't really think that that's going to work do you?" Rose sneered. "What do you think Alice and Edward have been doing for weeks now? If it didn't work with them, what makes you think it will work with you?"

"Even if she was still human, she would have forgotten you all by now." He spat out the words "You left, remember. I didn't."

"Jacob." Carlisle cautioned him.

"No. Don't Jacob me." He turned and then looked at each of us. "I spent _eight years_ thinking she was dead. You have no idea how that felt, knowing she was killed by one of you leeches and not being able to do anything about it. **Eight years**, I thought my best friend was dead." I could see through his memories how horrible it was for him to believe that, I couldn't be mad at him for wanting her back in his life after that. "When I finally figured out who I thought had killed her it took everything in me not to go running off by myself to rip the tics to shreds, but I waited. I don't regret what I did, it helped me find her."

No one had anything to say to him about this, we all wholeheartedly agreed with everything he was saying; all of it. I would have done the exact same thing Jacob had, had I thought what he did for all those years. I remember the crushing pain that I experienced in those horrible minutes when I thought she was dead myself. I wouldn't have survived eight years.

"I don't care what she is, she's still Bella." He continued after a brief pause. "If she grows horns or turns into a witch I'll still be by her side, I love her, she's my family and nothing or **no one** is going to stop me from being a part of her life."

No one had anything to say to that either, we all felt the same way.

"Jacob, what is your plan?" Carlisle asked him in a kind voice. "She'll barely speak with any of us, what makes you think she will talk with you?"

"I've got it under control."

"We might be able to help." Carlisle continued.

"I don't need or want your help, thanks." He said to him, not unkindly.

"We want her to remember too Jacob, we love her too." Esme tried to plead with him.

"I'm leaving now, don't follow me." He said and then turned his back on the group of us.

He was trying very hard to think about anything but what I had picked out of his brain, he couldn't walk fast enough.

"What journals?" I asked him.

He stumbled his step as he came to a stop, only turning his head to give me a sideways glance, telling me, "Stay out of my head leech." And then turned away and started walking again.

I began to move after him. "What journals Jacob?"

He spun back around on me "Journals that are none of your business."

He couldn't help himself from thinking about them though, and with every question I asked he let a little more slip through.

"You have all of them?" I questioned him. "When did she send them to you?"

"Damn it! Stay out of my head!" He yelled at me and then turned again.

"What are in them Jacob? If it's something that will help her get her memory back..." I trailed off as he began remembering certain passages that she had written. Words of her own thoughts and feelings that broke my heart. I listened, painfully and intently as he purposely went over the very worst of her writings.

"Why would she give those to you?" I whimpered.

"She sent them to me when she left. I didn't get them until she had been gone for five years." He continued to explain very quickly in his mind how he came to be in possession of them, when and what he did with them afterward.

"So that's how you knew she went to Volterra?" I asked him, he was trying to hide that fact from me, but I was able to guess by the evasion he was trying to perform surrounding that information.

"Yeah."

"You plan to give them to her? Have her read them?"

"I thought it might be worth a try." He told me defensively.

"Maybe, but I would advise against it, at least for the time being. I was being serious about there being a guard with her." I told him and then braced myself for the words that were about to come out of my mouth. "It's her boyfriend, that's who's with her right now. He won't let her read them, he'll destroy them."

"Her boyfriend?" He said smugly, happily thinking and hoping how that made me feel. "Why would he do that? If he's her boyfriend shouldn't he care...oh wait, never mind. I already know how you vampire boyfriends treat the girls in your life."

"Jacob, I know you hate me for what me leaving her put her through, but I promise you – no one hates me more than I hate myself.

He wanted to say more on the situation but didn't. He was remembering my reaction when he told me she was dead in the fields. He didn't want to believe what I had told him after that day, that I had lied to her and left to try and protect her from my world – from myself. I told him that I never stopped loving her, that it was as impossible for me as it would be for him to stop loving his imprint.

His moment of kind thought lead him back to the journals, the thing he was holding on to so tightly, finally slipping just enough for me to catch.

"Where are the journals Jacob?" I demanded.

He clenched his teeth as he began thinking about how to rebuild a motor, piece by piece he thought of how to assemble it, how much time it would take, how he would clean the parts if they were dirty. He and Alice had a lot in common in this deflection technique, he was a quick study, I'll give him that.

"So this boyfriend of hers, you really believe he would prevent her from trying to remember her past." He asked me trying to change the subject while simultaneously putting together a carburetor.

"Yes."

"Fine." He conceded after a minute of thinking about it. This new direction had him thinking about the journals instead of motor building. He knew that if they were destroyed, along with all the picture evidence he brought, he didn't have any of it backed up – or a back up plan. He was banking on her accepting the truth for what it was once she read and saw the pictures for herself.

"I still want to see her."

"I want the journals."

"Edward?" Esme chided me.

"No." Jacob told me as we both chose to politely ignore my mother.

"I'll tell you where she lives, - hell, I'll take you there myself, but I want the journals."

"I'll find her myself." He said dismissing me and started to turn to walk away again.

"Where are they." I asked forcefully this time, and then smiled at him. "You can give them to me, or I'll just take them. It's your choice."

"Son, they don't belong to you." Carlisle tried to reason with me, confused by how I was acting.

"Yes they do, don't they Jacob." With that everyone turned to him, waiting for him to answer.

He ignored all of them while having a stare down with me. The insults he was slinging at me now would put Rosalie to shame, he was so angry at me for finding this out.

He cursed quietly. "Fine. But the pictures are mine, you don't get those." He said pointing his finger at me.

"I don't understand." Esme asked me for answers.

"Bella sent him the journals, but she gave him instruction that if I were to ever come back that he should give them to me. She left him a letter, knowing he would read them, giving him this last request." I looked away from Jacobs livid face and into my mothers. "She wanted me to have them."

It was a small victory, but it was a victory non the less. Even though she believed that I no longer cared for her or loved her, she trusted me enough with her intimate thoughts to give me the journals. Somewhere she must have believed I was worthy of that trust, even after everything I had put her through, she wanted me to know her and how she felt. It was an incredible feeling, knowing that she cared, even after she thought I didn't. I was truly honored.

"Don't get to excited Cullen, you haven't read them yet." Jacob broke through with his jab, again remembering the painful passages that were waiting for me.

I sighed heavily knowing I was about to willingly break my heart again, reliving those horrible years without her, but this time, through her eyes. In her own words.

Jacob was right, there was nothing that could have prepared me for what was written on those pages.

(4/29/11)


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25: Promises**

Demitri and I talked for hours, about everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks and since the Cullen's had been here. He wasn't happy; about any of it. The fact that they were here was worrisome for him, but that I hide it from him was his main concern. We finally agreed that the Elders should be notified, and I agreed that if anything like this should ever happen again in the future, I would call him immediately.

When the call was finally put in to the Volturi I made sure they knew I had no plans on returning immediately. Regardless of anything, I had put off school long enough and now had a responsibility to the University. There was no immediate threat as far as I was concerned, and I wouldn't run away to shelter myself in the castle to make them feel better. I could take care of myself.

The Elders weren't happy with my decision, but told me that they would allow me to continue on; at least for the time being, instructing Demitri stay with me until they decided anything further.

When the following week started I wasn't sure what to expect, Edward and Alice both had classes with me and I wondered if they would still go knowing that Demitri and the Volturi were now aware of their presence.

Demitri had told me he would be at the school for my entire day, walking me to and from class and staying in the building in between. I was annoyed by this, but didn't say anything or tell him not to because of its unnencessity. I owed him for being so understanding and didn't want to fight with him anymore, especially about something so simple.

He had walked me to my first class, and we were standing inside the classroom talking when Edward came in. I was and wasn't surprised to see him there.

"I'll be around Bella" Demitri said to me after staring down Edward and watching him take his seat. "and I'll be here as soon as class is over."

"Alright." I smiled at him securely, hoping to convey to him with my words that I wasn't worried and neither should he be.

He looked at Edward for another second and then brought me in for a tight hug. When I broke the hug after a few moments he surprised me with a heavy kiss, Demitri was not one for public displays of affection.

"What was that for?" I asked him a little baffled but with a smile.

He grinned back at me mischievously; ignoring my question he told me "I'll see you in awhile."

Once he was gone I turned to Edward. "Good morning Edward."

He gave me a sad little smile and quietly said good morning to me too.

"Is everything alright?" I asked him; his whole demeanor was off compared to what I had become used to.

"It will be." He replied solemnly.

The rest of the hour passed much the same with him. The only thing I could think of that would have him in such a mood was the fact that Demitri was here. I'm sure he also guessed that the Volturi had been informed of their presence, and that always had a tendency to put people on edge. Their public relations was lacking to say the least.

When class let out, Demitri was, as promised, waiting for me outside the door. The rest of the day passed in much the same way, even Alice was quiet. It was after the third day of this that I finally had to ask her what was going on.

"Nothing Bella." She smiled at me brightly.

"Alice, you and Edward both have been acting strangely this whole week. Should I be concerned?"

"Of course not, don't be silly." She shrugged off my question. "Edward just has a lot on his mind right now, he's dealing with it the best way he knows how."

"And you?" I prompted.

"Just been busy, that's all. Nothing to worry about." She patted my arm and then went back to staring off in space. It took me watching her do this a few times before I finally realized that this is what she looked like when she was looking ahead into the future or was hit with a vision unexpectedly.

By the end of the week things hadn't changed with either of them. Edward's mood, despite what Alice had said, was beginning to concern me. He was so withdrawn and melancholic looking all the time it sparked my need to comfort him, the same need that kept showing up in me whenever he looked as if he were experiencing pain.

Demitri spending the week with me was nice, we easily fell into a routine with my schedule and enjoyed the time together when we were free. He was told by Aro to check in at the end of the week, so when it was time he left me alone at the house and went for a run to call the leader.

I had plenty of things to do for the next weeks class, so I was glad for the little bit of time alone to get through it. Demitri was gone for about thirty minutes when he came back, his mood when he left had been light, but returning he was decidedly darker in spirits.

"What's the matter?" I asked him concerned. He came in through the door and looked at me briefly before beginning to pace to living room carpet.

"They've called me back." He told me and then looked at me, he was angry with the decision; that much was obvious, but the other emotions displayed on his face I couldn't quite place.

"OK?" I responded to him. "We knew that they would, are you surprised?"

"No." He shook his head, but didn't go on.

"Then what's the matter?"

"I don't want to leave you." He told me and then came over to sit next to me on the couch. "I know you can take care of yourself Bella, and that you aren't the least bit concerned about the Cullen's presence, but I am."

"I know." I said turning to face him, and laying a gentle hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry it bothers you, and if the situation were reversed I can't say that I wouldn't feel the same way you do." I told him, and then went on kindly "I can take care of myself though, and I don't want you to worry. They can't and won't hurt me."

"Physically Bella." He told me sternly. "They can't hurt you physically, but what about emotionally."

He shook his head and then got up to begin pacing the floor again.

"Why would they hurt me emotionally? They have no reason to?"

"Maybe not intentionally, but they have the power."

"Why do you say that?"

"Bella," He stopped to look at me seriously. "I was there when you came to us, still as a human."

"What?" I asked him. "I know that. What does this have to do with anything?"

"If what they say is true, and they did know you when you were human, then they are the reason you came to us in the first place." He shook his head, a look of anger spreading across his features. "What they must have put you through, for you to look the way you did. You have no idea how much the possibility bothers me."

He paused to look at me before continuing. "If they hurt you like that again. I will kill them." The finality in his voice was fearsome.

I have seen Demitri in battle, watched him address groups of vampires, threaten and follow through with those threats, but I have never seen him look so fierce in this moment.

"I won't let that happen." I was up and over to him in a split second. "I promise you, they will not hurt me Demitri."

He took me in his arms and then tenderly kissed me before murmuring against my lips "I hope so Bella."

Demitri left the next morning, neither of us were sure when he would be able to come back or the exact reasoning he was called to Volterra in the first place. We knew that he would be called home eventually, but even though we both expected it, it still seemed a little soon.

I had just gotten home from a short hunting trip when I heard someone approaching the house. Instead of waiting for who ever it was, I went out to the porch to see for myself. I had been expecting either Edward or Alice, sure that she would have seen Demitri's departure, but instead was surprised by the last person I thought I would see.

Jacob the shape-shifter from the fields was casually running in the direction of my house, a smile on his face when he saw me come out of the door.

"Hi Bella." He said to me once he was by the porch. "I'm Jacob Black."

"I remember." I told him.

His smile grew with the knowledge and as if it were invitation enough he jogged up the few short stairs and leaned against the railing. "Good." He said nodding his head.

"Is there something I can help you with Jacob?" I asked him, strangely intrigued by his causal appearance.

"I came to talk to you. If that's alright?"

"Is there something we need to talk about? Or are you here to talk to the Volturi..."

"No." He cut me off. "I'm not here to talk to them, I'm here to talk to you. Just you."

"Alright." I said to him, and then went over to sit at one of the patio chairs. I had thought about going back inside, but didn't know if I could handle the smell of him in a closed space, so I decided to stay out here, hoping the open air would be enough.

"Edward said you still don't remember anything." He stated and then came over to sit at the other chair.

"You and Edward have been talking about me?"

"Not much." He clarified "He just told me you still don't remember anything."

"Uh huh, and is he why you are here?" I prompted. Jacob seemed to be more open and forward with information, maybe I would be able to get something more out of him than I've been able to get out of Edward and Alice these last few weeks. The idea had me settling back in the chair, ready for a long conversation with him.

"He told me where to find you, if that's what you mean," He said, taking my lead and making himself more comfortable. "but he's not why I'm here, I'm here because we are friends Bella."

"We are?"

"Yes we are." He was confident in his words.

"Did Edward bring you here or show you where to come today?" I asked and then looked around to see if he was out there in the woods somewhere.

"No." He laughed. "No, Edward told me where to find you a couple of days ago, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he knew I was here right now."

"And why would he be _pissed_?" I said coping his choice of word.

"You have _meet_ Edward, right?" He said, not as a question and then continued, "He likes things to go his way, according to his terms." He shook his head "I don't work like that."

"Why would he have any say in what you do or about you coming to speak with me?" I asked, keeping the conversation going.

"Exactly." He said agreeing with my observation.

"What about Alice? I'm sure she will see that you have come here, they are probably already on their way."

He stared shaking his head back and forth before I was done talking. "Nah. The little pixie can't see me or my future."

"Really?" I was genuinely curious now. "Why's that?"

"Don't know. I just know she can't." He shrugged, smiling widely at me and this knowledge, enjoying that he had something on them.

"Well, I guess we are alike in that aspect Jacob Black." I told him encouragingly.

"More than just that Bells."

I laughed at him and his enthusiasm, I was thoroughly enjoying my conversation with Jacob. I spent a good majority of my time around vampires; vampires who have been around for hundreds or thousands of years, that were stuck in their ways. Jacob was a fresh change, not a human who I had to be careful around, but someone who was in the know about me and my world. If he didn't stink it would have been a perfectly comfortable conversation.

"So, Bella..." He started to say with a look of seriousness on his face.

"Jacob," I cut him off before he could continue. "before you say anything. Let me first just tell you something."

"OK"

"I don't believe one way or the other about knowing you or the Cullen's." I said to him. "And, if your here to try to convince me of that, I ask that you don't."

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter, as I have told you all." He looked confused.

"I don't understand why you won't let us tell you anything or help you remember."

"The only thing that concerns me or that I want to know is why they are here...and you for that matter. Everything else is moot, what I've been told is enough for me. I doubt very much that there is anything in my past that would change my current or future."

"It's lies Bella." He said getting a little angry.

"Is it?" I challenged him. "I know that whatever any of you had to do with my past was enough reason for me to leave it. If it was bad then, why would me knowing now be any different?" 

"That's not true, it wasn't bad." He said trying to convince me. "Not all of it anyway."

"But some of it, and that's enough."

"Bella, if you just talk to me..."

He didn't get a chance to finish his thought or try to convince me any further, Edward came from out of the forest in blinding speed. When he was just about to the porch Jacob stood, crossing his hands over his bare chest.

"Jacob." Edward said disappointingly. "I told you not to come here."

"And I told you, I don't take orders from you."

"We talked about this."

Jacob shrugged his shoulders, completely unfazed by Edward. Edward looked over at me, questioning me with his eyes. I hadn't moved from my seated position, instead deciding to wait and watch the show between the two of them from my comfortable position.

He looked back over to Jacob. "Alice."

"She can't see me." He said and then looked over to me. "Or her."

"Right." He said to him with annoyance in his voice.

"Then how did she know?" I asked.

"She saw Demitri leave." He told me while looking at Jacob. "When she couldn't pinpoint any other blank spots, it was an easy conclusion to come to."

"Well thanks for stopping by." Jacob said to him and then sat back down in the chair he was in before Edward showed up.

"I'm not leaving without you." Edward stared down at him. "We need to talk."

"No, we don't." Jacob said and then looked at me. "Bella and I were having a nice conversation before you showed up, weren't we Bella."

I smiled at him to let him know that I had enjoyed out conversation but told them both, "Actually, I think you should both leave. I have some business of my own to take care of, and I don't want to be in the middle of whatever this is." I said waving my hands between the two of them.

Jacob looked hurt, but looked away quickly and then nodded his head again "Sure, sure." He said and stood up. "We'll talk later." He informed me and then looked angrily at Edward. "Let's go."

Edward glared at Jacob for a moment and then looked over at me. I stood and moved towards the door to go inside, he didn't say anything to me, he just looked at me with the same expression that he had been wearing all week and then gave me a weak smile before turning. I watched Jacob and Edward disappear into the tree's before going back inside.

I worked on my TA requirements for the rest of the afternoon, getting everything done for the next couple of weeks worth of class time. When I was finished with that I decided to take Alice's advise and work ahead in my other classes, completing most of the assignments she had told me we would be doing. I had to admit, it was kind of nice; not that doing them as they were assigned was a big deal, but getting them out of the way felt good.

That evening Demitri called and told me he still hadn't talked to the Elders, he wasn't sure why they had wanted him back at the castle, but was expecting to have a meeting with them first thing in the morning.

"I wish they would have told you that when you were here, then you could have stayed with me another day." I told him teasingly as I sat on the couch to talk to him.

"I know. I'd rather be there with you than alone with me."

I laughed at him. We spent the next hour talking before he told me he had to go; he was on duty for the night. Once off the phone with him, I grabbed a book and went to the bathroom for a nice long scolding hot bath.

I had been soaking in the tub for about thirty minutes when there was a knock at the door. Luckily for whomever it was, the water was already cooling and I was planning on getting out anyway, or I would have been very angry for the interruption.

Getting out I quickly towel dried my hair and wrapped my silk robe around me. As I walked to the door I saw through the small window that Edward was on the other side.

"It's a little late for house calls." I told him jokingly as I opened the door.

Instead of laughing or smiling like I expected him to do, he stared at me and stepped into the house without invitation.

I stepped back away from him; not out of fear, but because the look on his face was determined desperation, I couldn't deny him entrance even if I had wanted too.

"Edward?" I questioned him with concern.

"Bella, I need to say something to you and you need to listen to me." He said closing the door behind him. "I don't want you to argue with me, and I don't care if you don't want to hear it, I **need** you to listen to me. Can you do that for me please?"

I couldn't find it in me to argue with him, and even though I was absolutely positive whatever it was was something I didn't want to hear, I nodded for him to continue.

"I'm sorry." He said, the words were breathy and the tone was of anguish. "I am _so_ sorry Bella, I never knew...I had no idea." He paused, shook his head and then ran his hand through his hair before looking back at me again. "My pain I could handle, I deserved it, but yours..." he whimpered.

"I never meant to hurt you, ever. I thought..." He paused again, "I want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you, I _will_ never do anything to hurt you or cause you pain **ever** again." He finished saying to me. " If you let me and in any capacity, I will spend the rest of forever proving to you that I mean this." He looked at me, his eyes heartbroken and pleading with me to grant him this request.

I didn't know what to say to him, I was confused by all of what he was saying and had no idea why he felt they way he did. "Edward?" I questioned. "I don't understand."

"I know." He said in misery.

Reaching up, he wrapped his hand around the side of my face and began to gently stroke my cheekbone. His eyes bore into mine; full of passion and remorse, before I realized it I was leaning into his had, rubbing my face against his palm.

Edward gave me a delicate smile, then closed the distance between us to place and soft yet firm kiss on my forehead. He held me there, with his lips pressed against me for several long seconds before turning and showing himself out the door.

(5/2/11)


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26: EPOV: Masochist**

_"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

_"You… don't… want me?" _

_"No."_

_"Well, that changes things."_

_"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."_

_"Don't. Don't do this."_

_"You're not good for me, Bella." _

_"If… that's what you want."_

_"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much,"_

_"Anything,"_

_"Don't do anything reckless or stupid, do you understand what I'm saying? I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself–for him."_

_"I will."_

_"And I'll make you a promise in return, I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed. Don't worry. You're human–your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."_

_"And your memories?"_

_"Well, I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted."_

_"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."_

_"Goodbye, Bella, take care of yourself."_

The last memory I had of Bella as a human relentlessly replayed in my mind over and over again, now mixed with the words of her journal entries.

_'In one month it will be a year that you've left; that you've disappeared; like everything else. _

_It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year, although, losing track of time was the most I asked from life._

_I worry -late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation breaks down my defenses- that it is all slipping away. That my mind is a sieve, and I will someday not be able to remember the precise color of your eyes, the feel of your cool skin, or the texture of your voice. _

_Will it really be as if you never existed?'_

Lies; all of it. All of it was a lie. I should have never left her, I should have went back to her. None of what I told her that fateful day was true...and what I put her through as a result of it...torture.

I tortured her. Again and again. I should have never left.

The journals are memorized; forever burned in my mind, and yet I continue to read them. I can't stop. Every page, every sentence of every word is a new stab to my cold dead heart, just as if it were the first time.

_'Agony rips through me with the memory of your face, while your name sends a wave of torture through me.' _

_'The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now rear high up and wash over my head, pulling me under. I have not resurface.'_

Bella's pain mirrored my own; unbearably so. We both secluded ourselves; gave in to the loss.

_'The absence of you is everywhere I look, everywhere I go, but the pain is my only reminder that you were real...that you all were real.'_

_'Still I hope, I hope that you'll come out of the shadows, that you'll no longer just be a voice in my head.' _

_'I always hope'_

_'Between pain and nothing, I've chosen nothing.' _

_'Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it is a hard line to walk.' _

_'When I lay in my bed, late at night, I resign myself as the pain finally makes its appearance. It's a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole has been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time._

_Rationally, I know my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasp for air and my head spins as my efforts yield me nothing. My heart must still be beating, too, but I can't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my  
hands feel blue with cold._

_I curl inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scramble for my numbness, my denial, but it evades me..'_

The memories of her doing this through Jacobs eyes haunt me, I've known the feeling she has described, it was my only companion for years...but, knowing it was hers as well,... it makes me want to die.

_Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me. _

…

"Edward?" Rosalie tapped lightly on the door before opening it a crack to peek her head in. "Can I come in?"

I didn't acknowledge her, instead flipping to the next page of Bella's journal and continued to read my torture.

Rose took my silence as invitation to quietly step in the room and carefully approach the bed. She stood for a few moments looking down on me – I could see myself through her eyes, and if I hadn't known I was looking at myself, I might agree with the worried thoughts that permeated her mind.

When I did nothing, she sat on the bed and reached out, gently pushing the book down so it lay on my lap.

"Edward. You should stop."

"I can't."

"Edward. You _need _to stop." She said, this time trying a different avenue.

"I can't." I told her again

"You can. You're choosing not too." She sighed. "I can't imagine what you're going through, but what I can see is what it's doing to you." 

"Rose.." I tried to cut in, and bring the journal back up to a comfortable reading position, but she held it down and went on.

"You can't change the past Edward. There's nothing you can do about what has been done. But you can do something about now."

I shook my head back and forth, I couldn't really do anything could I? Bella doesn't remember me, and she has made it very clear she would like to keep it that way, and after reading this, how could I blame her? "No." I said.

"What do you mean no?" Rosalie's voice grew louder with her anger. "You're just going to give up? Take the easy way out and give up, is that it Edward?"

"There's nothing easy about any of this Rosalie!" I hollered back at her, looking into her furious face.

"Well, you could have fooled me Edward!" She matched my tone and stood from the bed. "Is this your big plan? to hide away again? Let the pain swallow you hole while you reel in it? Read those damn journals until the ink falls off the paper and the pages turn to dust? Because you're doing a fine job of doing nothing now! You might as well go crawl back in whatever hole you were in the last time and get it over with!"

I stared at her incredulously, my anger simmering as I realized everything she was saying was true. I'd already considered more than once to leave again; hide away from my family as to not cause them pain while I'd stayed away from Bella.

Yet, when I would reach that last thought I couldn't make myself move, I couldn't convince myself to go, there was nothing that me or anyone else could ever say or do to make me leave. I'm not ashamed to admit, I'd don't have the strength to stay away from her again – not ever.

Rosalie stared back at me; my emotions plainly written all over my face. "A long time ago, you made a decision Edward. Now, you need to deal with, get over it and move on."

She didn't say another word, or stomp away in her normal fashion, instead she calmly walked out of the room and gently closed the door behind her.

I spent the remainder of the weekend mulling over everything that she had said, taking the thoughts that my family had on the subject into consideration, along with my own. When I finally allowed myself to accept what I knew I always had planned to do, I was able to put down the journals and start to get my head into the right frame of mind.

I had my girl to win back and hiding out while sulking wasn't going to get the job done.

The following Monday morning Alice prepared me as best she could for what my day would look like. I wasn't too happy about Demitri's decision to follow Bella around like some lost puppy, but I had to give it to him, he knew how to play dirty.

"I'll be around Bella." Demitri said to her, while informing me. Looking over he finished saying in his head _'All. Day. Long,'_

When he looked back at her a thought had occurred to him, one that I had hoped I would be able to avoid as much as possible while we fought for the girl I loved.

Demitri pulled Bella toward him – a little to rough for my liking, and held her tightly to his body while breathing heavily into her hair; infecting her with his smell, then breaking away, he crushed his lips against her with a discourteous kiss.

"What was that for?" She asked him with a smile. The smile I hoped wasn't out of enjoyment but rather graciousness on her part.

_'Edward.' _He thought to me. How callous of him to use her that way. I had to hold myself very still to keep from launching across the room, reminding myself that this was just the beginning in a hard battle ahead that I had every intention on winning.

"Good morning Edward." Bella turned to greet me once the degenerate left us alone in the room.

I was still to angry and hurt to respond to her, and if I was being completely honest with myself, jealously was a dominant emotion radiating through my body right now, I could only muster up a small nod in her direction.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

Taking in a deep breath I was able to calm myself enough to answer with absolute certainty "It will be."

The rest of the day and week followed just as tortuously as that first morning. Demitri was, as promised, around all the time. There was never a moment to speak with her privately, I was beginning to think I had lost the war when the battle had barely begun.

"Stop that." Alice chided me late one evening. Normally I would be sitting in a tree watching Bella at this time of night, but with Demitri here, well, I didn't want to be anywhere near what was potentially happening in that house. I couldn't stomach the thought of it even.

"Sorry." I told her, as I tried to think of something else.

"You know, he won't be here forever, he'll have to go back eventually..." She said, and as if on cue, received the vision that I had long been waiting for.

"That's earlier than we thought?" I questioned her.

"Yes, there must be a reason, but it's hidden from me." She told me, while searching again to see if she had missed something, as if that were possible. "He'll leave tomorrow morning."

I let out a heavy sigh; a deep breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding since Demitri showed up. I immediately felt lighter at the thought of him no longer hanging around.

"When?" I asked her, hoping she could narrow down the time for me, I needed to be able to speak with Bella as soon as I could.

"I can't see." She grimaced. "She starts shielding him once he tells her that he will be leaving."

I closed my eyes and nodded my head at the information.

"I'll keep an eye out for him, she'll have to stop shielding eventually."

"Thanks." I told her and then stood up to leave the house.

I began wondering the city and the surrounding wilderness for the next couple of hours. I needed time away from my family to freely think about everything that had happened over the last eleven years. I needed to see Bella, to apologize to her for everything, I knew that she didn't remember me or anything that had happened between the two of us, but I wanted to apologize to her regardless. I just needed to find the right time, and that would be as soon as Demitri left.

I'd been pacing in the direction of Bella's place for about an hour when my phone rang in my pocket. "Alice."

"Edward, I think Jacob may be at Bella's house."

"What?" I yelled into the phone.

"I'm sorry Edward." She began to plead with me over the phone as she explained. "I saw Demitri leave a little over an hour ago, but Bella went hunting right after or I would have called and told you right away. It wasn't until she approached her house that her future went blank again...it's not the same as when she is shielding herself, it's different...that's why I think it's Jacob, it's the same as his void, and I can't find any blank spots anywhere else."

I had already began to run in the direction to Bella's house before Alice could finish her explanation. When she was done talking, and after a few seconds of silence I clipped the phone shut. I couldn't say anything kind to my sister at the moment, so it was best if I didn't say anything at all.

It wasn't long and not that far into the woods that I picked up Jacobs trail, it was fresh and definitely in the direction of Bella's.

I was able to pick up his thoughts before either of them knew I was close, Jacob was in the midst of explaining to Bella that not all of her past wasn't worth remembering, questioning her why she wasn't willing to listen or hear him out.

I was just approaching the porch when Jacob acknowledged me and stood from his seat. "Jacob, I told you not to come here." I chided him.

"And I told you, I don't take orders from you."

"We talked about this." I reminded him. We had had this conversation more than once about him not coming here with out one of us or at least until we were sure Bella would be willing and, or interested in anything any of us had to say to her.

_'I know how you feel about me being here, but I couldn't stay away. I wanted to see her for myself.' _He was telling me.

Looking over at Bella and her relaxed and comfortable position I had to wonder if I had been wrong in keeping him away from her, she looked perfectly happy and carefree. '_How did you even know I was here?'_ Jacob asked silently.

"Alice." I answered him.

"She can't see me." He told me annoyed. "Or her." He added looking over to Bella. _'We're both blocked from her.'_

"Right." I said to him, my patience beginning to wain.

"Then how did she know?"

"She saw Demitri leave." I told Jacob while looking at Bella, hoping to get some reaction from her at the mention of his name. "When she couldn't pinpoint any other blank spots, it was an easy conclusion to come to."

_'Huh.'_ "Well thanks for stopping by." Jacob said, then sat back down in the chair he was in before. _'But you can go now.'_

"I'm not leaving without you." I glared at him. "We need to talk."

"No, we don't." Jacob said _'Besides.._' "Bella and I were having a nice conversation before you showed up, weren't we Bella."

"Actually," She said to him with a pleasant smile on her face. "I think you should both leave. I have some business of my own to take care of, and I don't want to be in the middle of whatever this is."She said, indicating with her hands to both of us.

"Sure, sure." Jacob told her as casually as he could. "We'll talk later." He said to her, then looking at me he angrily clipped out "Let's go." _'Leech.'_

I watched her as she rose from her seat and walked past me, looking at me with the same weary expression she'd had all week. I smiled at her slightly,hoping to convey something to her, what I didn't know. Everything was a mess right now, all I wanted to do was to talk to her privately, yet every time I thought I might have an opportunity something was always getting in the way.

_'If I can't talk to her, neither can you! You interrupted me for a reason, let's hear it.' _Jacob yelled at me impatiently.

When we were far enough away Jacob turned on me, "What the hell was that!"

"That was me saving you from ruining everything!" I yelled back at him. "You have no idea what you are doing, do you think sitting around is easy for any of us? We're doing all this to get her back, not push her away!"

"What makes you so sure what I say to her will push her away?"

"I don't Jacob! That's the point, we can't see how she will react to anything you say to her! Your blocking Alice makes it impossible to predict her reactions, and nothing is worth the risk of pushing her further way."

"I don't have the luxury to wait around and hope that she'll someday remember or at the very least want to know anything, I want Bella back now!"

"Don't be melodramatic Jacob." I said to him dismissively. "I want her back too, but we need to work together. I won't lose her again. And I won't let anything or _anyone_, get in the way."

He was silent for a moment as he deliberated what I had said to him."Huh. So we finally agree on something."

"Where Bella is concerned Jacob, I think it's a safe bet that we'll most likely always agree with one another, especially when it comes to getting her back."

As we walked back to town I told him of the few times Alice had seen Bella turn away from us because of our pushing her too far too fast. It was because of that foresight that we were able to prevent it from happening, explaining to him that we really are doing everything at her pace was hard for him to accept, but he did eventually.

"Alright Cullen, we'll do it your way. For now." He decided, but informed me just as we were parting ways, "That is, until it isn't working anymore. Then we do it my way. I've known her longer, the real Bella, she's in there still. I understand what your saying, but I know that girl, and sometimes making her face things head on is the only way to get through to her. She's hard headed, sometimes she needs to be pushed."

I nodded my agreement to him. "We'll be in touch Jacob."

After leaving Jacob that afternoon I went home to inform the rest of my family about everything that had happened, but I couldn't stay. Demitri was gone, and that meant I was free to take up my watching over of Bella from a distance again.

I had Alice check on her earlier to let me know when the best time was to go, I wanted to avoid the conversation she would be having on the phone with Demitri, it was a nightly ritual for the two of them when they weren't together and not ever having to listen to another one of those wasn't soon enough.

I was anxious and nervous about approaching her, especially with what I had to say to her. I didn't know how she was going to react, or exactly what I was going to say, I just knew it needed to be something; anything to convey how sorry I was for everything.

When I finally reached her house, she was just getting into the bath, had I known that I might have stayed away a while longer or come a few minutes sooner. Sitting outside her home with the knowledge of her soaking in a warm bath just a few short feet and thin walls away was enough to drive me over the edge.

I quickly put myself in check at the direction of where my thoughts were heading, I was here to make things right with her, not fantasize about something that I may never have.

She'd been soaking in the bath for about thirty minutes when the waiting finally took it's toll and I could no longer hold myself back.

I knocked on the door gently and then watched with nervous anticipation while I waited for her to appear.

She had a silk robe wrapped loosely around her slender body, her hair in perfect disarray as she came out of a door and began to walk towards me. As she registered me through the window a small smile played at the edge of her lips.

"It's a little late for house calls." She said as she opened the door.

I was unable to react to her in the manner in which I'm sure she was expecting. Her close proximity, with the way she looked and smelled overwhelmed all my senses, I could only stare at her as I tried very hard to keep it polite.

I failed.

Before I realized what I was doing I found myself stepping towards her, taking back the little space she had kept between us, forcing her back into her home without invitation as I closed the door behind me.

"Edward?" She questioned, the concern in her voice was the only thing that brought me back to reality.

"Bella, I need to say something to you and you need to listen to me." I could hear the intensity in my voice as I pleaded with her. "I don't want you to argue with me, and I don't care if you don't want to hear it, I **need** you to listen to me. Can you do that for me please?"_ 'Please Bella' _I echoed in my mind, hoping she wouldn't deny me.

She looked at me with an unreadable expression, searching my eyes she gave me what little hope I had and nodded at me to continue.

"I'm sorry." I painfully told her with little more than audible breath "I am _so_ sorry Bella, I never knew" _'What I put you through'_ … "I had no idea." I paused to try and get my thoughts together, I didn't want to say too much, I didn't want her to change her mind and ask me to leave by giving away too much of what I actually had done to her in the past.

"My pain I could handle, I deserved it, but yours..." _'Is torture'_

"I never meant to hurt you, ever. I thought..." _'I was saving you from me, from this life'_

"I want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you, I _will_ never do anything to hurt you or cause you pain **ever** again." _'I will die first'_

"If you let me and in any capacity, I will spend the rest of forever proving to you that I mean this." I pleaded with her, staring deep into her eyes as I begged for her to believe me, to let me prove to her that I meant everything I was saying with every fiber of my being.

I knew that she wouldn't understand what I was saying to her, but seeing the confused look on her face at my apology was heartbreaking "Edward? I don't understand."

"I know." I told her in misery. _'I know you don't love, and I can't have it both ways. I would keep that pain away from you forever if you would just remember me, but I can't.'_

The look she was giving me was so similar to the ones I remembered from when she loved me, my body's instinctual reaction to her was to reach up, and gently wrapped my hand around the side of her delicate face; stroking gently across her check as I had always done in the past.

My heart swelled with her innate reaction as she leaned into my hand just as she used to. Smiling at her, my memories and hope for the future I closed the small distance that was still between us. I wanted to pull her against me and hold her, instead I kissed the top of her head, taking her scent in with me. I held the kiss longer than I should have; not wanting to let go, but she didn't back off or push me away, instead I broke the kiss before she could. Turning and showing myself out the door.

I didn't want to leave her, and I didn't know if she would allow me to stay _'small steps Edward_' I told myself as I left her house and ran back through the woods.

_'I'm not allowed to think of you. That is something I try to be very strict about. Of course I slip; I am only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. _

_The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness.'_

(5/16/11)


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27: The Box**

My head was swimming with Edward. I couldn't get him out of my mind. His apology and subsequent touch had me reeling, and I couldn't figure out or understand my reactions to him.

For all I can remember I have never let anyone get so close to me so fast, talk to me the way that he has or touch me with such reverence.

He was also beginning to feel familiar to me, and not because of him being around so much lately, but actually familiar, like I _know_ him.

Physically, I feel as though I remember him too. I don't quite understand why I react the way I do, or do what I do when around him, but my body responds to him; to his touch. Electricity courses through me when we are in contact, and my way of movement when around him or when responding to him is all natural and effortless, I don't think about what I'm doing, my body just does it.

_'You're with Demitri!_' I chided myself for the hundredth time.

I turned from the window I had been looking out – daydreaming out, since Edward left, and slumped myself on the sofa.

Demitri is great, he doesn't deserve to have me thinking – or obsessing, about Edward and what was happening with me in regards to him. He's been nothing but wonderful to me, and even knowing this; why couldn't I stop thinking about someone else?

Edward had left me standing alone and with questions several hours ago. I couldn't get his apology out of my head, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the way he looked as he spoke to me, with such devotion and absolute truth.

"_I want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you, I will never do anything to hurt you or cause you pain **ever** again."_

It was scary, the way I knew without any doubt that he was telling me the truth, and that I believe him wholeheartedly.

_'God Bella, pull it together!' _I yelled at myself again, I knew I was being silly.

I've been so adamant about not knowing him and not wanting to find out if I knew him or any of them for so long, I was starting to doubt my reasons why.

_'There's no reason to know them or find out anything from your past!' _ But, why? I thought.

My internal debate over the matter was the only other constant thought I'd been having.

"UGH." I sighed, throwing my hands over my face.

I needed a distraction, and no sooner than I thought it I was on the phone; calling Felix. He was always great for a distraction.

"What's up B! You finally remembered my number eh?"

"Shut up." I said laughing at him. "I've been busy and you know it!"

"Uh huh, likely story." He said teasing. "So what do I owe the pleasure of your call?"

"So now I have to have a reason to call you?" I teased back.

"No, you just don't do it very often anymore."

"Sorry." I told him sincerely, feeling a little guilty that it was true. Between school, The Cullen's and Demitri's visit I haven't had a lot of free time.

"It's all good B, I'm just giving you a hard time. I know you've been busy with all them frat parties and keggers."

"Oh yeah!" I laughed at him. "You got me!"

"I knew it, you're such a lush Bella!" He told me in mock seriousness. "You're supposed to be there learning not hooking up with all the locals."

"Felix!" I hollered at him. "You're such an ass!" I laughed.

"Truth hurts."

Felix and I talked for over an hour, he did exactly what I expected him to do; distract me. I was caught up on all the castle gossip, a lot of which I didn't care to know, but found out anyway.

"I miss you buddy." I told him at the end of our conversation, "You should come visit me."

"Or..., you could come and visit me."

"Yeah maybe." I told him, feeling as though I were lying to my best friend. "I'm not due back there for awhile though, I don't want to go any sooner than I have too."

"I feel you." He said, the words a little heavier than they should have been.

"Are you alright? I mean, is everything alright there?" I asked him with concern.

"Yeah yeah, it's the same." He told me, "It's just been crazy that's all, and you're not here to buffer things out."

"Well, like I said, you could come and visit me." 

"I might just do that, I have a few things to do, then I'll see what I can make happen." He told me evasively. "We can go hunting, I've been craving a big elk." He told me, then laughed at his own joke.

"Whatever." I told him with an eye roll. "I'll talk to you later, let me know when you are coming down."

"Sounds good."

And with that we hung up. Felix's distraction was exactly what I needed to get my head cleared up enough to get back to work, not that I had anything to do really, but I found myself busy anyway.

A few hours later I was sitting on the sofa reading when I heard familiar foot falls approaching; Edward and Jacob were on their way.

I set my book down and was up and out the door before either of them could knock.

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked, I didn't mean it to sound as rude as it did, but I found that I was a little annoyed at the both of them. I had spent the better part of the day trying _not_ to think about them or more specifically Edward, and here they were on my door step again, pushing themselves back into my brain.

"We need to talk to you." Edward told me in his demanding way.

"For what now?" I asked, this time allowing my annoyance to drip with each word.

"I know we've been bothering you a lot Bella, but this is important. Please, can we talk to you?"

I stood staring up at him for a few seconds and then crossed my arms over my chest.

"Please Bella." Jacob asked me, pulling my attention to him.

I stood looking at Jacob and before I knew it I was caving against his will.

"Fine." I said letting my arms fall to my sides before turning around and going into the house. "This better be good."

I went over and sat down on the couch; were I had been before they showed up, as each of them took a seat across from me. We sat in silence for a few moments before I spoke up again. "So?"

They looked at each other for a brief moment, then Edward began to speak.

"When I came here to apologize last night, you didn't know why."

"I remember."

"We're here to tell you."

"What?" I started. "No, we've talked about this, again and again... It's getting a lot old."

"I know. But things have changed Bella. You have to know now."

"I don't have to know anything if I don't want to Edward. Who do you think you are..." I told him defensively.

"There's no time to argue about this anymore Bella, you need to know who you are – who you _really_ are."

"What are you talking about, I know exactly 'who I _really_ am'," I told, copying his tone and choice of words. "You don't know me well enough to tell me who I am, and I'm not going to listen to you while you tell me who you think I should be either!"

"That's not what I meant. I just want you to listen to us, listen to your past so when what happens next you'll have all the information to make the right decision."

"What's going to happen next Edward? What aren't you telling me right now?"

"The Volturi are going to demand that you come back to them. And if you go Bella, Alice saw..." He paused and stared at me with heart break on his face. "She saw that they would keep you away, that you wouldn't be allowed to speak with any of us again."

"That's ridiculous, they don't have the need or want to do anything like that to me."

"Yes they do. Don't kid yourself Bella, they will do anything and everything to keep you with them."

"They can't hold me against my will Edward."

"I know that you believe that, and I believe in your ability too, but Alice's visions...Bella, please just listen to us." 

"No." I told him nonchalantly. "Edward, Jacob, I'm sorry, I'm just not interested. Look, I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but you aren't listening to me. I don't want to know." I told them both, then thought about it for a moment and changed my words to match more accurately to what I felt. "Actually, that's not true anymore either. What I want is for you two – and the rest of your family to stop pressuring me. If I remember my past, I'd rather do it on my own, not forced. I don't want to hear it from you."

"Bella we don't have time for you to figure it out on your own, you need to know now!" Jacob said to me frustrated.

"There's nothing that you either of you could say to me right now that would change my mind or make me want to hear it..."

"I love you." Edward said, effectively cutting me off, and drawing my attention back towards himself rather than Jacob.

"What did you say?" I asked him incredulously.

"I am in love with you and I have been for eleven years."

"Stop." I said to him in a shaky voice, standing up against the words.

"You know what love means to our kind Bella. There is no other way, there is no one else, there never was and there never will be." He stood up with me, continuing to talk as he looked into my eyes. "I love you."

"No." I shook my head at him. "You need to leave. I don't know what you're doing or why but you need to leave..."

"You loved me too." He said, again cutting me off.

"No." I told him more sternly this time.

"You knew what I was when you were still human, you knew and you love me anyway. You knew about my whole family and you loved them too Bella."

"I know I knew about you and your family; that much I believe, but nothing else!"

"Why? Do you believe what the Volturi told you? That you were some play thing for me? That I used you and when I got bored I threw you out?" He said with a little more anger in his voice.

"That makes more sense to me than anything else."

"You're wrong. You were everything to me. You still are."

"Yeah?" I yelled at him, allowing myself to believe the lie so I could question him. "Then why don't I remember you now? Why did it take you eight years to tell me this? Why have I just meet you? I know exactly what it's like to be our kind; what love means to us, and just like I told you in the fields that first day; if it had been someone I loved I wouldn't have waited so long to find them." I seethed. "You couldn't possible have loved me, or you wouldn't have been able to leave!"

"I left you when you were human to protect you Bella, not because I didn't love you." He told me, again with sadness in his voice.

"Protect me?"

"Being with me was dangerous for you, I loved you too much I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to you because of me."

"Liar." I yelled at him. "How could you possibly love a human, it's ridiculous."

"But I did." He said as I shook my head at his admission. "And I didn't know you had been turned until that day in the field, or I would have come to you."

"I don't believe you!"

"He's telling you the truth Bells."

"I'm not your 'Bells'" I turned on Jacob, "And what do you have to do with all of this anyway?"

"You are my best friend, you knew what I was and you loved me too. I searched for you, the whole time you were gone – all eleven years; I never stopped looking for you. And when I found out what happened to you, or what I thought happened to you, I did what I felt like I had to, that's what lead us to the fields that day. You. I thought you were dead Bella, and when I realized you weren't,...well, it's why we are here now." He told me sincerely, I respected Jacobs way of getting right to the point. "And you loved him, even though it made me sick, you did love him Bella. You nearly killed yourself more than once out of love for him." He told me sadly, then closed his eyes, looking as though he struggled to say the next words "Until you finally did."

I knew what he meant; no heart beat and all that. I still couldn't believe what they were telling me was true though, for years I was told that I meant nothing to no one, and the Volturi saved me, they were my family. How could I doubt them after everything they have done for me, they are the only people I know and remember.

I looked back over to Edward who had been sitting quietly while Jacob spoke to me.

"Please Bella, you must believe us." He pleaded with me. "Trust me."

"Trust you!" I balked. "Ha! I don't trust anything you say to me! Let's pretend for one second that I believe any of this, do you really think that I could trust you? You say you loved me, and yet you left?"

"Yes, and I regret leaving you every second of every day." He told me. "If I could go back, I would Bella. I thought I was doing what was best for you.."

"You were doing what was best for you!" I yelled at him. "You don't leave someone you love because you're scared. You don't make decisions for that person as if what they want doesn't matter."

"I know."

"No, you don't know. How could you possibly know? You thought you were protecting me, is that it?Protecting me from you?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you change me? You wouldn't have had to worry about it anymore."

He looked at me shocked, then stammered out. "I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't be responsible for damning you; for taking your soul. I loved you too much."

"You were a coward." I told him with venom in my words.

He flinched, but didn't say anything to me. We stood staring at each other again before I decided that enough was enough.

"I want you both to leave." I looked at each of them. "I don't know if I'll ever remember, and I don't care. You've said what you needed to say, now I want you both to go."

"Bella..."

"No Edward." I cut him off and held up my hand. "You've said everything you've needed to say and I have heard enough. I want you to go."

"I need you to consider this for a moment, Bella, please. They will take you and we will never see you again."

I shrugged my shoulders at him, not sure if I cared one way or the other about that possibility, and not completely convinced of it's viability.

"Bella please,..." He begged, "I love you."

"But I don't love you." I told him, the ice in my voice made my chest ache as his face crumbled in pain.

"Go." I told them both again, looking away from Edwards face as I went to the door and opened it. "And don't come back."

They each moved from where they had been standing, slowly making their way towards the door.

Edward stopped in front of me; looking as though he wanted to say something more while his hand twitched at his side, but whatever it was was kept on his tongue as he gave me a small, sad smile and walked out the door.

Jacob followed, his massive frame blocking everything else in the room, I had no choice but to look at him.

"You don't have to believe either one of us." He told me deadpan. "But even you can't deny proof Bella." He said to me, then looked over his shoulder. "And you have to believe yourself." He said to me looking sternly into my eyes.

Jacob moved closer to the door, then stopped and turned back around and pointed to my living room. "It's all in the box."

(6/1/11)


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28: Unrefuted**

As soon as Edward and Jacob left I began shielding myself; following them out and as far as I could comfortably reach.

I turned; glaring at the box, and went over and picked it up, intending to through it out. As I held it over the garbage, willing myself to let it drop in, I found I couldn't let it go. I felt sad at the thought of it being dismissed and thrown out like trash, so instead I went into my room and shoved it in my closet, in a corner so that it would be out of sight. I did not open it.

Three days have gone by. Three days and I have not heard from a single person, neither the Volturi or the Cullen's and Jacob. Demitri and Felix haven't even attempted to call.

I didn't mind the silence, but even still I was beginning to get worried.

I had managed in the three days to go hunting and then follow up with my professors about all my classes. I was increasingly glad that I had worked ahead and finished all of my assignments and class out line for my TA position. I was able to turn everything in and ask for a leave, family emergency in the states, they accepted everything from me without penalty.

Once I had spoken with all my instructors and had taken care of all the paper work I left the campus and started to head back home.

I knew Alice couldn't see me while I was shielding, so I wasn't worried that any of them would find me here, I had kept up my shield since they left me alone that day.

However, I was surprised when I saw Edward. He was leaning against a tree around my property, facing my home. I didn't stop when I saw him, and I didn't change my course of direction to avoid him either, but I didn't push out my shield to further surround me once I passed him.

"Bella..." He called out to me only once. I didn't stop or acknowledge him, I kept my pace and continued home.

The next day my phone rang. I picked it up and looked at the caller ID before answering it. I let out a breath as I recognized the name on the screen. I hadn't realized I was worried about receiving the call that Edward had warned me about until now.

"Hey." I said to Felix as I answered the call.

"I don't have a lot of time, but you need to be prepared Bella." He started telling me in a hushed rush.

"What's going on?"

"The Volturi are planning to come to you and bring you back."

"What? Why?"

"I don't have time to explain, I just wanted you to know so that you can be ready Bella."

"Ready for what Felix? What is happening!"

"They are going to make you come back to stay Bella. They are afraid, they are scared of you getting too close to the Cullen's. Bella you need to protect yourself. I have to go..." He hurried out in a whisper.

"Felix!" I yelled at him through the phone.

"I'm sorry B, I can't...I have to go." And with that the phone line went dead.

I couldn't wrap my head around what he had said, what it all meant. Edward had been right about them calling me back to Volterra, about them wanting to keep me – lock me away, I didn't understand how they had intended on doing that, but I felt myself worry about the possibility.

I began to pace my house, trying to figure out what would have them going to such extremes. Nothing I could come up with made any sense to me.

Twenty minutes after my phone call with Felix, my phone began to ring again. I walked over to the counter were it laid slowly, and pick up the phone. It was Aro. With shaky hands I pick it up and answered. "Hello."

"Bella dear, how are you?" He asked me with his normal welcoming voice.

"I'm good Father."

"That's wonderful dear. How is everything in Pisa?"

"Fine."

"Excellent." He said to me, as shivers began to run down my spine. "Bella, we are planning a trip to come and see you."

"Oh?" I questioned him in a whimper, "Is there any particular reason?"

"We have some things to discuss with you."

"Should I come to you instead?"

"No, no. That won't be necessary. Arrangements have already been made."

"When should I expect your visit?"

"We will be leaving here in two days, when the sun sets." He said.

"Ok." I said in response. I was at a loss for words with him, something that didn't normally happen, I didn't know what to say to him.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"We will be bringing you back with us, please have your things ready to go when we arrive."

"You're coming to take me back to the castle?" I asked him.

"Yes, that is correct."

"Why?"

"We need you here with us."

"I don't understand Father, why are you coming here to get me? Why are you making me come back?"

"This is a decision that the Elders have made Bella, it is not your place to question it."

"I think I have a right to know." I told him, feeling the anger in me rise.

"It is your duty to be here with us, we have indulged your... experiment long enough. You will be coming back with us."

"Father..." I started to speak again.

"This isn't up for discussion Bella. Be ready for your departure in two days." He ordered me.

"You can't do this, I have done nothing wrong!"

"Of course you haven't dear one, and we can do this. Be ready." He told me finally and hung up the phone.

I was furious. Why would they make me come back? Why wouldn't they just ask me to come back, I've always done everything they've ever asked me to do, what has changed?

I needed answers.

"Demitri." I said as soon as he picked up his phone. "What is going on!"

"The Elders have decided that you need to be back here with us Bella." He told me, his voice was cold and dejected.

"Why?"

"I am not in a position to question authority. Perhaps you should do as you were told, and be prepared to leave."

"Demitri!" I yelled at him. "Why are you acting like this? Tell me what is happening!"

"I will you see you in two days Bella." He said authoritatively, then like everyone else had been doing to me all day, he hung up the phone.

The anger I had felt before was nothing compared to the absolute rage that was coursing through my body now. I was so caught up in my fury I didn't realize until it was too late that I had crushed my phone in the palm of my hand. Looking down, I slowly opened my hand, as the dust of my mobile phone scattered all over the floor.

They were afraid. Just as Felix had told me. They were afraid and they were going to force me, force their hand and make me go with them. They were treating me like any other nomad they had ever demanded and ordered around.

The Cullen's.

This had all started and was because of the Cullen's.

The box.

The box had answers in it, and right now I needed answers.

Running to my room, I grabbed the box out of my closet and went and sat on my bed. Nerves erupted in my stomach as I placed the rectangle on my lap, rubbing over the top of it with my hand.

Once I opened this box, if the contents in it were any proof – as Jacob had indicated – everything would change. I could feel how significant this box was, the weight of it heavy on my legs.

Gingerly I lifted the lid, and set it down beside me.

There were stacks of journals, photo albums and various other things neatly tucked away and organized in the container.

I scooted myself back, further on the mattress and crossed my legs. Setting the box down in front of my, I took a deep breath, then with a shaky hand I reached in and pulled out the envelope that laid on top.

It was addressed to 'Jake', scrawled across the top in messy handwriting.

What was written inside was my undoing.

_Jake,_

_ Hey. I hope you never get this, but if you are reading it, it means that something bad has happened, and I'm so sorry! You know I love you more than anything in the world right?, but Jake I had to do this for me. I hope you understand. I'm sure you know now that I didn't go to college in London, I lied to you about that and I'm sorry. I can't tell you where I went, it would put you in danger, but know that I am completely ok with whatever has happened! I needed peace Jacob, you know what from, and I went to find it. _

_ I wish I could have told you, but I knew you would never have let me leave. I had to do this Jake, I had to do it for me, please try and understand. If you're reading this it's probably because, well, like I said, it's not good, and since this won't get to you for 5 years, I'm sure you've already assumed as much. Please don't do anything reckless or stupid! It won't change ANYTHING! Please Jacob. Promise._

_ I love you, you are my best friend, and I love you so much Jake! Take care of yourself and Billy, and watch out for my dad k? And don't tell him I sent this to you._

_Bye Jake, Love you._

_Bells_

I stared at the last line, at the signature at the bottom, and felt my world shift.

Laying the letter down, I reached in and grabbed the first thing that my fingers touched. I pulled out a cheap, beat up picture album. It was dirty and smelled like grease.

When I opened the cover my breath caught in my throat as I stopped breathing.

There in full color was a picture of Jacob and a very human looking version of myself, laughing as they sat very closely together, hand in hand.

Flipping through the pictures, I found several more of them, just the same.

A graduation picture of a group of people, all human, whom I had never seen or meet before, and with the human girl standing next them.

A man in a wheelchair, with Jacob and the same girl along with another older man standing next to her, with his arm wrapped around her.

Wedding photos of the same older gentlemen, and pictures of the reception, all of them having Jacob and the girl in them.

The list went on and the photos continued as they documented different moments through several years of events that I had no recollection of.

All of them containing the same person, the same girl, the human girl that looked like me – that _was_ me.

I flipped the book closed and jumped off of the bed, backing myself away from it and out my door as if it were alive and going to attack me.

How could this be? How could everything Jacob had said to me be true? Why don't I remember him? These people don't look like they don't care about me, they look happy, they look like they all care for each other, love each other. That doesn't add up with anything I've been told!

Then another thought assaulted me, if Jacob had been right about knowing me, about us being friends.

Then, had Edward been right too? Was he telling me the truth as well?

I slowly walked back into the room and stared at the box, scared that I would find out he had been right. Scared at what I might find out – scared that if I didn't look right now, I may never get to know.

I wasn't ready to see any more pictures, and assuming the other albums in the box were full of them, I pulled them out and set them aside, leaving them unopened.

I went for the journals, and slowly cracked one open. The first one was about a lot of things, nothing mentioning Jacob or Edward. Rants of a young teenage girl who vented on paper rather than in person. I found myself laughing at the silly and trivial things that this girl found detrimental and important in her young years.

There was a large gap in writing, and when it picked back up again, the girl had noticeably matured. She wrote about her mother,and her mothers new husband. How she loved them and found that keeping her mother away from her husband had made her sad.

She wrote that she was sending herself off to live with her dad, in a state that she hated and in a town that never stopped raining.

She was going to be miserable, she knew it but went anyway.

Several weeks went by before another entry was made. Her first day in forks, her fathers inability to cook anything descent, and her abhorrence about her first day of school.

The following entry was... everything.

_His name is Edward Cullen._

The words jumped off the page, slamming into my brain, I was completely unprepared.

I couldn't help myself after that, I began to read through the passages quickly, specific lines jumping out at me, things that made my heart start.

Paragraphs and lines that told me the story – _my_ story, I realized as I read, from the beginning through to the end.

_When he stared at me, his expression was hostile; furious and his eyes were black – coal black_.

_His fingers were ice-cold, like he'd been holding them in a snowdrift, but that wasn't why I jerked my hand away from him so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand, as if an electric current had passed through us._

_I'm consumed by the mystery of Edwards presence, and more than a little obsessed by Edward himself._

_I dreamt of Edward Cullen._

_I watch as his golden eyes grow perceptibly darker day by day._

_He must see how absorbed I am by him, he's interesting... and brilliant... and mysterious... and perfect... and beautiful... and possibly able to life full-sized vans with one hand._

_It's hard to believe that someone so beautiful can be real, I'm afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke and I will wake up._

…

_He'd said that the Cullen's "didn't come here." but his tone had implied something more – that they weren't allowed; they were prohibited._

_Could the Cullen's be vampires? Well, they were something. Whether it be Jacob's cold ones or my own superhero theory, Edward Cullen was not... human. He is something more._

…

_I didn't know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I know – if I know – I can do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I think of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, and the magnetic force of his personality, I want nothing more than to be with him right now._

_The decision was ridiculously easy to live with. Dangerously easy. I should be afraid – I know I should be afraid, but I can't feel the right kind of fear._

…

_It was amazing how instantaneously the choking fear had vanished, amazing how suddenly the feeling of security washed over me – even before I was off the street – as soon as I heard his voice._

…

_Three things I am absolutely positive. First, Edward is a vampire. Second, there is a part of him – and I don't know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted for my blood. And third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him._

When I read the lines of this last paragraph, I audibly gasped as I let the book drop from my hands.

"_You loved me too." _Edwards words played in my head.

How can this be true? How can any of this be true! Everything that I've known and believed all these years... where they all lies?

I reached down and pick up the journal again.

_It is a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body. I can't explain it right... but he's even more unbelievable behind the face._

…

_Did they know that I knew? His family? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew or not?_

…

_When he grins his crooked smile at me, it stops my breath and my heart. I can't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. _

…

_My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It is an impossibility._

…

_Edward in the sunlight is shocking. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterdays hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He was beautiful._

…

_I know at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end – so quickly that I might not even notice, and yet, I can't make myself be afraid._

…

_He pressed his marble lips very softly against mine._

…

_He was a different Edward than the one I had known before today, and I felt all the more besotted by him. It will cause me physical pain to be separated from him now._

_I'd rather die than be with anyone but him._

…

The profession of love was overwhelming me. I couldn't breath, it was all so consuming. I finished reading through the first journal, page after page of accounts of their love, their time spent together.

It was fascinating to me that the possibility could even be true, that a vampire had allowed himself to become involved with a human and that he did nothing to her ever that would cause her harm. I didn't believe that there was anyone with such restraint in our kind.

I believe that Bella had loved Edward, evening knowing what she did about him and his family.

The next journal took on a decidedly different tone however. The beginning was much the same, the account of their summer together and the start of their senior year. But it wasn't long into the journal that the story stopped all together. There was a huge gap in the dates, several months had passed when the writer finally picked up the pen again.

My chest began to ache with her words...

_Edward had kissed me goodbye. When I finally realized this it had been too late. The kiss had a painful edge, as if it were the last, as if we would not see each other again..._

_When he smiled my favorite crooked smile, it was all wrong, it didn't reach his eyes..._

_We walked into the forest, just along the trail right by my house that day. The day my world ended. I will always remember what he said to me, forever as it's burned in my mind and splintered in my heart._

_I don't want you_

_You're not good for me, Bella._

_I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. _

_It will be as if I'd never existed. _

_Time heals all wounds for your kind._

_I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted._

_Goodbye, Bella, take care of yourself_

_I followed him, with shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my actions were useless, but I walked forward without thinking. I could do nothing else, I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over._

_Love, Life, Meaning... over._

…

_I saw no reason for fear anymore. I couldn't imagine anything in the world that there was left to be afraid of. It was one of the advantages of losing everything. I'm not suicidal though. Even in the beginning, when death unquestionably would have been a relief, I never considered it._

…

_In the instant that I heard his voice, everything was very clear. Like my head had suddenly surfaced out of some dark pool. I must be going crazy._

…

The words were poured out in heartbreaking succession. It was difficult to read, this sadness, but I continued on, feeling deeply sorry for this girl and her pain, and feeling horribly connected to her as my chest writhed with hers.

_The anger was what I wanted to hear – false, fabricated evidence that he cared, a dubious gift from my subconscious._

_I don't feel like the pain has weakened over time, rather that I've grown strong enough to bear it._

_I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before._

_I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now – if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it – I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I am sure that I will feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I deserved. _

_Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted... but he was out there, somewhere, I had to believe that._

_I've lived through the worst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able to look death in the face and laugh._

…

_Normal memories are still dangerous. If I let myself slip up, I'll end up with my arms clutching around my chest to hold it together._

_I am like a lost moon – my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster movie scenario of desolation – that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind._

_One thing I truly knew – knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest – was how love gave someone the power to break you._

I wanted to weep, but I kept reading the journals, even as hard as it was sometimes to keep turning the pages, I managed to get through them all.

As I neared the end, and upon reaching the last page was where I found my absolute truth, my proof, my inability to deny any of this any longer.

It was there, spelled out in black and white.

The final journal entry, the one with all the answers – the last one.

_September 12, 2007_

_I'm leaving tomorrow. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement, I'm practically crawling out of my skin._

_It took me all this time to find out what I needed to know; to find them, but I finally did._

_I know everything. Since this is my last journal entry I figure it's finally safe to let myself 'say' the words._

_I know you lied to me. I didn't know for a long time, I didn't find out until after Damon and I broke up, but I know you lied._

_I found all my things, my photos from my scrape book, the tickets and my CD._

_I'm not really sure why it took me so long to figure it out, or why finding all of my things in the floorboards was the catalyst, but it was and I know now._

_I don't understand why you did what you did, now I guess that's what hurts the most. Knowing that you did love me, but left anyway. I don't think I'll ever understand that. In some ways it was easier to believe that you didn't love me anymore and left so that I could move on; like you told me I should._

_Like you did._

_Yes, this is harder some days._

_Regardless it's not the reason I'm doing what I'm doing, and it doesn't change anything, I'm still doing this for me. Not for you and not to get you back, for me; it's what I always wanted, nothing has changed that, not even you leaving._

_I know your reasoning's for not wanting to change me yourself, your fear for my soul and your thoughts about your own. It seems silly that this fact – the existence of your soul – has ever been in question, even as a vampire, you have the most beautiful soul; more beautiful than your brilliant mind and your incomparable face. This should never have been the thing to hold you back; to hold me back._

_I'd hoped that if we were to ever meet in the future, after I'd been changed and become better than my current self, that you wouldn't have been too disappointed that I had chosen to become one of you. That we could have possibly been friends. I would have asked that of you, but since you are reading this, I know it doesn't matter now._

_There were only two possibly outcomes for me in this life, to live forever and hope that I would someday get to see your face again, and the other – death. I have come to terms with either possibility. Death isn't something that I'm looking forward to or, hoping for for that matter, but I can no longer live in a world without you._

_And, if you are reading this, it means that Jacob actually listened to me for once. _

_I want you to promise me something Edward. I want you to promise me that you won't do anything reckless or stupid, do you understand what I'm saying to you? There is no reason for you to feel responsible, and I would hate it if you did something stupid out of guilt. I know how you are, please, promise me._

_I'm leaving for Italy tomorrow to meet with the Volturi. I am going to ask them to change me. I have nothing to offer them, but I'm hoping they will anyway. I figure it is my safest and fastest way to get what I want from them, they can't be all that bad if Carlisle was with them once._

_Since you are reading these, there are some things that I want you to know. I had all of these sent to Jacob, with instructions for him to deliver them to you. Of course I fully expected and gave Jake permission to read them - all except this one, but they are yours. I wanted you to have them._

_I realize some of the things I wrote about will not be of interest to you, and I hope they don't hurt or bother you to read them, but I wanted you to know everything that you missed. That sounds callous, and I don't mean it that way, but I do want you to know, even though you didn't care to be around while it was all happening and still don't._

_You were and are a very important part of my life, I am who I am because of your presence, because of what I learned about you and subsequently about myself. We only had a moment in time, but it was more than anything I have ever or will ever experience, I wanted you to know, and I want to thank you for that._

_I'm hoping that through my change, and I know this goes against everything else that I have said and will say to you, but I'm hoping the pain of you leaving will disappear with all my other human traits, that I will not remember as clearly as I do now. That I will forget most of everything all together that was painful after you left. I believe that it is the only way to live without you. I know that you loved me once, but I don't know if I'll ever see you again, and I don't want to live an eternity missing you. You told me once that human memories fade after you've been changed, I'm banking on that now. At least where you're concerned._

_I love you forever Edward. I have always loved and always will love you. I forgive you for leaving me, I wish you could have told me; been honest with me, but I know in your own way it shows me that you cared, even if it was only a little and even though you were wrong._

_Goodbye Edward,_

_Bella_

(6/2/11)


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29: Revelations**

The truth is frightening.

Being lied to is infuriating.

The journals and what was in them is unbelievable.

As I closed the last journal and set it down I didn't know how I felt, except for lost. It's a strange thing not remembering who you are, and then to be told by you, yourself is unfathomable. I didn't know how I should feel, or if I should feel anything at all. I'm still me, but who am I really? Is this person who I've become really who I am?

Are the things I like, really the things I like? or a product of my molders and creators? Are my actions my own, or am I merely a puppet on a string?

How do I trust anyone or anything in my present? My family, my friends, my boyfriend... are they even mine or some character's affiliations that have been created and given surroundings?

I felt my world crumbling around me with each thought; with each moment that past, leaving me alone and in silence, unaware and defenseless of my own self.

I numbly picked up the photo albums, and began flipping through the further evidence of my nonexistent self.

It was all so solid, this life that this person had lived, while my life – my current was airy and fluid; scattered and full of holes.

I wondered idly about the girl in these photos. I've spent the last several journal reads getting to know her, but did she know herself? Is this uncertainty a trait of hers; ours, or just mine?

Is my life one that she was really after in hers? I can't imagine myself wanting the unknown and yet she had escaped her life to become this; what I am today, but did she really? Did she really know that the life I lead was the one she was asking for?

I've never wanted to have a conversation with myself before, but I do now. This girl; Bella in the photos and the journals is the only one with true answers; answers to everything that I may never know.

She's the only one who can make sense of any of this, of all that is happening, and she's the only one I can not speak with on the matter.

She is as lost to me as I am to myself.

I started to walk numbly around my house – this house that was surrounded by my things; and began feeling like a stranger within the walls – an empty hollow feeling taking up residence in my chest.

I felt my eyes prick with unshed tears.

A photograph that sat on an end table caught my attention as I made my way through the living room. It was a photo of Felix and myself at a ball held at the Volturi castle last year. Another sat beside it, one of Demitri and I when we were on vacation not so long ago. We looked happy, carefree – familiar. Yet looking at it made me sad, and then angry.

Did they know about all of this? About everything in my past? Did they intentionally hide this from me?

_Of course they did_. The truth of the thought slapping me across the face.

They all knew – and hide it from me; lied to me to keep me with them. Their the Volturi for god sakes, they _know_ everything.

The more I thought of about it the more angry I became. The anger turned into need – a need to confront them; a need to know everything they know; a need for the truth.

I dropped the frame and photo, and before it hit the floor I had the journals and albums from Bella's past in a bag and I was out the door – running to the place that held my final answers.

_They'll try to hold you there._ I thought as I ran through the dense tree's in the forest surrounding my home. That's what all of this has been about; keeping me. This is the reason Edward and Jacob gave me this evidence, because the Volturi were coming after me, to keep me away from everything – _like they've been doing for nine years_.

_No_. They will not. I'm stronger than all of them, my shield is impenetrable, they can not hold me against my will. No one can.

I ran faster than I have ever ran before; the bag with all the evidence pulling at my shoulders from the speed.

I thought about Edward and Jacob and the rest of the Cullen's as I ran. I should have told them not to follow me, I should have warned them to stay away. They've all been so persistent this whole time, if they come to me now they will be captured.

The thought of them going against the Volturi frightened me to a halting stop. I couldn't bear the thought of them getting hurt for telling me the truth, it was inconceivable.

Dropping my shield I walked over to a large tree, intentionally thinking about Alice as I did so. She is able to see me when I'm not shielding, so I hoped this would work just as well.

I peeled the bark away; uncovering the smooth surface below, and began to carve into it with my finger.

_**Do not follow me**_

_**Do not come after me**_

_**They will kill you**_

I focused on the words for a few seconds longer; hoping the message was received, and then took off running again. I could only hope they would listen to me and take my advice.

The sun was just starting to set when the castle came into view, my anxiety and nerves higher than they've ever been before.

I stopped just before entering the tunnels, thinking twice about entering the castle. I knew that my shield was strong, but Alice's vision and Edwards warning had me second guessing myself. Did they find some way to hold me that I didn't know about? Have they found a stronger talent than mine; something to counter act my own? Going into the castle – into _their_ territory, seemed wrong all of the sudden as my self preservation kicked in.

I've become so skeptical of everything and everyone in such a short amount of time, I thought I might be going crazy. Up until a few days ago the Volturi had done nothing to me but provide, and now I couldn't stop thinking about them as the enemy – something to protect myself from. I couldn't get myself to believe in them enough anymore to finish walking through the doors, I no longer trust them enough with my safety.

The realization and truth of this knowledge saddened me, making my chest ache as an unseen force barred down on my shoulders; heavy and dark. I wanted to crawl in a hole; to hide away from it all, this mess that my life had become.

There would be a guard inside the tunnels, and since I had obliterated my phone, he would have to serve as my way of communication.

"Guard." I called out.

"Yes?" The person answered out to me.

Recognizing the voice as a newer recruit, I proceeded in a friendly tone. "Riley, it's Bella."

"Oh, hey Bella." He said to me, and then began walking towards me.

"Hey." I smiled at him. "I don't have my phone, would you mind going in and asking Felix or Demitri to come out here and speak with me?"

Looking at me skeptically he said, "You can go in Bella."

"I know, but I need to stay out here." I told him, and then added. "It's important that I stay out here, but I need to speak with either of them."

As I told him this, my voice changed the request into an order. "Of course." He said to me, then giving me a small bow, he turned and went into the castle.

I paced the grounds, moving further back from the door as I waited. I needed to speak with more than just Demitri and Felix, and I hoped that my request wouldn't just bring either of them, but all of them instead.

It was only a few moments later that Felix came out of the doors in a hurry.

"What are you doing here!" He yelled at me as quietly as he could.

"I needed answers."

"I warned you so that you would stay away, not so you would come knocking on the door Bella!"

The look on his face was frantic, I could only hope that his concern was genuine and not part of some act.

"You should leave before the rest of them come out here." He continued.

"I can't do that Felix."

"Then you're a fool."

"And you're a liar." I told him, my chest constricting against the words. Felix flinched at the statement, his eyes sad as his body slouched with the truth.

We stood staring at each other, unable to say anything more while we listened to the footfalls of the others as they approached.

"Bella!" Aro chimed as soon as he was out the door and in view.

I strengthened my shield and slightly pushed it out, Felix's eyes widening against the nudge. "Aro." I replied, turning away from my once best friend, to face the man I had called father.

"I'm so glad you've come home." He said smiling to me, holding out his arms in welcome for our normal exchange. "It saves us a trip of coming to get you."

When I didn't immediately move toward him and place myself in his arms, his face contorted in question before asking me "Is everything all right Bella dear?"

I looked at him for a moment, then looked around to the rest of who were in attendance. Marcus and Caius stood next to Aro in their normal fashion, while Demitri, Jane and the rest of the first guard stood with them in their normal defensive positions.

As I caught Demitri's eye, I lingered there, looking at his face, hoping for some kind of answer. But as I knew I would, I found nothing but the cold hard look of a guard.

"Bella?" Aro addressed me again after a few moments of my silence.

"No Aro, everything is not all right." I told him, pulling my eyes from Demitri's face to look at him.

"Well, let us go inside so that we may discuss the matter in private." He told me while turning his body, indicating toward the door.

"I have no plans to go any further than this Aro, not until I get the answers I came here for."

Anger quickly flashed across his features before smoothing out and turning into question. "Alright." He said flatly, then with a wave of his hand, he dismissed all the others; save the first guard.

"What is this about?" Aro asked me in the same flat, detached voice once the others had left.

Before answering him, I shrugged off the bag from my shoulders and pulled it around in front of me.

It was at this point that I knew my fear and reluctance was not mine alone, the Elder guards moved in to place themselves in front of Aro, Marcus and Caius – between them and me; the same way we all used to when a threat made itself known.

"That hurt more than I thought it would." I said to them trying to keep my voice even, while my heart began to break. I didn't look at any of them when I said this, and I didn't stop my movements with their own; instead I continued to pull the bag from around my back, unzip it and pull out the photo albums and journals I had brought with me.

Looking down at what I held in my hands I told them all, "There was nothing in this bag that could have done as much damage as what you've just proven to me." Even to my own ears, I heard the heartbreak in my words.

"Bella." Demitri whimpered out, allowing himself the smallest break in rank.

"You knew." I said to him as I gently stroked the evidence that lay in my hands. "You knew, didn't you?" I asked him as I finally allowed myself to look up. I knew the answer to my question, but I needed to ask it anyway, I needed to hear it from his mouth.

Demitri didn't answer me, but his silent stare said enough. "Why?" I followed with another question.

Again he didn't answer me.

"Isabella." Caius spoke up as he moved himself forward to face me. "We've been over this."

"Yes Caius, we've been over the lies." I said looking to him, "Now let's go over the truth."

"You know the truth already Bella." Aro spoke again; moving himself past Demitri and Jane where they had placed themselves in front of him.

"I know what you've told me; not the truth." I said to him and then held up what was in my hands. "And I know the truth of the evidence that I hold here."

"Do you really believe the fabrications that the Cullen's have presented you with?" He asked me.

"I believe in the evidence that they have given me, yes. It's a difficult thing to deny, these photograph's."

"Those too can be easily manipulated Bella."

"Perhaps." I told him, "But for what purpose Aro?"

"To take you from us!"

"Why would they want to do that? There's no reason to make up such an elaborate lie as this. It wouldn't make any sense." I said to him, annoyed by his pathetic attempt to convince me otherwise. "Besides, you have said yourself that I did in fact know them, why the change in story story now?"

"Bella..."

"Father! I know the truth!" I yelled at him, then through the photo album at him. "Look for yourself, and tell me that this is not what it appears to be. Tell me that all of it is a lie, that I ran from those people that I clearly loved and that who obviously felt the same way for me." I paused for a moment, then through one of the journals at his feet. "Then tell me that what is written in those journals is just as false as the photographs."

He was silent while he flipped through the pictures, and continued to be as he picked up the journal a quickly read through some of the passages.

"I see." He said before tossing my things back over to me. "What do you want to know."

"So it is true isn't it?"

"It would appear so."

"Don't give me that, tell me the truth. Answer my questions."

"Yes Bella, it is true." He said as he clasped his hands together in front of him. "All of it is true, as you well know. But what we have told you is the truth as well."

"Not all of it."

"No, not all of it. Most of it though, the rest was left out to protect you, just as we have always told you."

"You hide important facts and details from me."

"To keep you with us, yes."

"Why?"

"You are a valuable asset to the guard Bella, your power is unlike any other."

"So you kept the truth from me? To keep me for my power?"

"Don't be absurd, we love you. That is also the truth."

"But I had a life, family and friends..."

"Whom you chose to leave behind, whom you wouldn't have been able to be involved with regardless if you remembered them or not. We didn't make this decision for you, remember dear, you came to us."

"I know that." I told him, I did know that it was my choice – Bella's choice, she had wrote about it in the journals. "But you still lied to me, you told me that I had been abandoned. That I had come to you seeking death."

"Didn't you?" He questioned me.

"What?"

"Of course you came seeking death Bella, why else would a human track down the Volturi. You've seen how we operate, you yourself have upheld our laws and rules. Humans are not allowed to know of our existence, they are either changed if they prove to be useful or they serve us in other ways."

"I know that too, but you knew about me, the truth about me and the Cullen's when Carlisle came to you two years ago."

"Again, it was out of love for you that we didn't tell you."

"You wanted to keep me for my power, not because you loved me."

"Both of those reasons are true."

"And when Edward came to you. You knew how he felt. You told me that I was nothing to any of them, that I meant nothing to him, that I was a distraction, a play thing."

"You are with Demitri. What purpose would it have served to tell you about him, when you didn't feel anything for, or remember him at all."

"Because it was the truth, because it was the right thing to do, because by keeping all of this from me you've intentionally lied to me for over nine years, because now that I know, how do you expect me to trust you?"

"I understand that you feel wronged and betrayed by us somehow, but it all goes back to the point of; you came to us dear, you wanted what we gave you. If you have lost your trust in us, well... that is something that you need to fix."

"You've clearly lost something for me as well Aro, why else would you protect yourselves against me and react the way you did?"

"We couldn't be sure about your motives for wanting to meet with us outside Isabella" Caius said. "We knew that the Cullen's and the wolf boy have been in constant contact with you, it is out of caution on our part; not mistrust."

"There's not a difference." I told them.

To that no one had anything to say. The space around us and all who were within it was silent for a long while. When it looked as though I wouldn't be getting any further information from any of them, I bent down and began to repack the bag with the journals and photo albums. I wasn't satisfied with the answers that I had received, even though it would appear to be everything that I had asked for.

I was well aware that I had originally come to them, it was written in the books and I had always been told this by the Elders, but I still felt as though something was being kept from me, something important that they were hiding, but more importantly that than – I no longer trusted them. Any of them.

"I need time to sort through everything that has happened." I told them after I fixed the bag around my back.

"Bella." Aro said my name in a way that reminded me of a child being told no after asking for something.

"I need time Aro."

"I'm sorry dear, but you will need to stay here."

"Excuse me?"

"You may take all the time you need, but you will do it here, in the castle." He told me sternly.

Demitri began to walk toward me once Aro had finished speaking, and so did a reluctant Felix.

"No." I hollered at him, taking a few steps back. "You can't keep me here against my will."

"You are a member of the Volturi guard Bella, you will do as you are told."

"So I'm your prisoner now? Is that is Father?"

"Of course not." He told me calmly. "You will have every comfort you have always had."

"Except the ability to leave the castle."

"We want you close, to keep you safe."

Demitri had come as close as my shield would let him, and he began to feel around it, pushing on it as if there were a way to get in.

"I will not be held here, you can not make me!" I yelled at all of them. "Demitri? Why are you doing this?" He didn't answer me, and he didn't look at me, he just kept feeling around and pushing on my shield.

"Felix?" I turned to him.

"I'm sorry Bella." He told me, the look on his face proved that he meant what he was saying.

"Isabella! Lower your shield and show yourself inside." Caius yelled at me.

With his words I looked over to him, caught off guard by the demand in his voice. I felt myself begin to waver, a need to be here with them came over me so strongly that I momentarily obeyed his command and lowered my shield. Demitri and Felix had both wrapped their hands around my forearms and began walking me forward.

I had taken several steps before I thought about what I was doing. When it occurred to me that my actions were not my own (my thoughts from before slapping me in the face) I looked over and found an answer to a question that I had not thought to ask.

Chelsea and Afton we standing together, in contact and focusing on me. It was all so surreal, looking my mistrust in the face.

I pushed out my shield; putting every ounce of strength I had into it; causing both Demitri and Felix to go flying away from me.

I rounded on the rest of them, pushing out the barrier further in front of me as I continued to fall back.

"WHY!" I yelled at them through clenched teeth. "Why would you do this to me!" I continued, trying desperately to hold on to my focus when all I wanted to do was break down and cry.

"Bella..." Aro started to say as he began stepping forward toward me, holding out his hands to me in peace.

"You're manipulating me..." I exhaled out with a broken sob. "You've been manipulating me this whole time... haven't you?"

"Bella, please... " Aro was saying, "let me explain..."

"NO!" I yelled and pushed them all back further with my shield. "Stay away from me! All of you!"

I didn't wait for them to pull any more tricks out of their bag to use against me, I left – running faster than I had when I was on my way here earlier today; pushing my shield to it's maximum capacity while putting everything I had into it.

I ran, and I kept running until the castle and Volterra were out of sight. I ran until Italy and all its occupants were miles behind me. I ran into the night and continued through into the next day.

I just ran.

(6/22/11)


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: I do apologize for the long wait! It was a crazy summer, but I we are back on track now. Thank you all for sticking with me!

**Chapter 30: EPOV: Wanting**

_**Do not follow me**_

_**Do not come after me**_

_**They will kill you**_

"I love you." I said to her; looking her deeply in the eyes, while putting all the pent up emotion and desire into the words as they fell from my mouth heavily.

She was continuing to refuse us – refuse me; by not allowing herself to hear the truth.

_'What are you doing!' _Jacob yelled at me.

_Telling her the truth,_ I thought.

As she turned from Jacob to look at me skeptically she asked "What did you say?"

It was selfish, to be doing this to her now, but she needed to know – really know, how I felt about her. Jacob had his own truth and reasoning's for being here. Everyone did.

This was mine. This was why we are here as far as I was concerned, everything else was a distant second. The truth we were all tip toeing around could no longer be hidden, just as time was no longer on our side.

"I am in love with you and I have been for eleven years." The words burned with the freedom of escape.

"Stop." Bella said to me, her voice shaking as she stood up.

"You know what love means to our kind Bella. There is no other way, there is no one else, there _**never**_ was and there never will be." I stood up with her, keeping her in my focus. "I love you." I repeated the words, thankful I was able to say them to her once again.

"No." She shook her head. "You need to leave. I don't know what you're doing or why but you need to leave..."

"You loved me too." I told her fervently, my dead heart tightening with words that were true.

"No."

"You knew what I was when you were still human, you knew and you love me anyway. You knew about my whole family and you loved them too Bella."

"I know I knew about you and your family; that much I believe, but nothing else!"

"Why? Do you believe what the Volturi told you?" I could feel the anger in me starting to rise as the words flew out of my mouth. "That you were some play thing for me? That I used you and when I got bored I threw you out?"

"That makes more sense to me than anything else." She scoffed.

"You're wrong. You were everything to me. You still are."

The spark in her eyes was one that I recognized as I braced myself for whatever she was about to say.

"Yeah?" She yelled at me. "Then why don't I remember you now? Why did it take you eight years to tell me this? Why have I just meet you? I know exactly what it's like to be our kind; what love means to us, and just like I told you in the fields that first day; if it had been someone I loved I wouldn't have waited so long to find them." She seethed. "You couldn't possible have loved me, or you wouldn't have been able to leave!"

"I left you when you were human to protect you Bella, not because I didn't love you."

"Protect me?"

"Being with me was dangerous for you, I loved you too much I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to you because of me." I explained, feeling like a louse.

"Liar." She fumed. "How could you possibly love a human, it's ridiculous."

"But I did." I admitted to her profoundly. "And I didn't know you had been turned until that day in the field, or I would have come to you."

"I don't believe you!"

"He's telling you the truth Bells." Jacob said to her, himself recognizing her stubbornness coming to light.

"I'm not your 'Bells'" She chafed as she turned on him, "And what do you have to do with all of this anyway?"

"You are my best friend, you knew what I was and you loved me too. I searched for you, the whole time you were gone – all eleven years; I never stopped looking for you. And when I found out what happened to you, or what I thought happened to you, I did what I felt like I had to, that's what lead us to the fields that day. You. I thought you were dead Bella, and when I realized you weren't,...well, it's why we are here now." He told her sincerely, then reluctantly added; "And you loved him, even though it made me sick, you did love him Bella. You nearly killed yourself more than once out of love for him." He said to her sadly, then closed his eyes, before adding, "Until you finally did."

Bella was quiet for a moment as she looked at Jacob, then back over to me.

"Please Bella, you must believe us." I pleaded with her. "Trust me."

"Trust you!" She balked. "Ha! I don't trust anything you say to me! Let's pretend for one second that I believe any of this, do you really think that I could trust you? You say you loved me, and yet you left?"

"Yes, and I regret leaving you every second of every day." I told her. "If I could go back, I would Bella. I thought I was doing what was best for you.."

"You were doing what was best for you!" She yelled at me, the words catching me off guard. "You don't leave someone you love because you're scared. You don't make decisions for that person as if what they want doesn't matter."

"I know." I confessed.

"No, you don't know. How could you possibly know? You thought you were protecting me, is that it?Protecting me from you?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you change me? You wouldn't have had to worry about it anymore."

I was shocked by the question, something that she had always asked me to do. Something I would have thought she would have understood now that she was a vampire. "I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't be responsible for damning you; for taking your soul. I loved you too much."

"You were a coward." The venom in her words made me flinch, but the burning truth behind them as they came out of her mouth was physically painful. I couldn't think of anything coherent to say to her, so we stood staring at each other.

"I want you both to leave. I don't know if I'll ever remember, and I don't care. You've said what you needed to say, now I want you both to go." She told us after a long thick silence.

"Bella..."

"No Edward. You've said everything you've needed to say and I have heard enough. I want you to go."

"I need you to consider this for a moment, Bella, please. They will take you and we will never see you again." I pleaded with her to understand, she couldn't after everything we had just been through, throw herself away to them.

She shrugged, unfazed and uncaring.

"Bella please,..." I begged her, "I love you."

"But I don't love you."

The incomprehensible pain at the words was so overwhelming, I could not hide the devastation from my face.

The words fell from her mouth as easily as her breath, cold and absolute truth.

"Go." She told me, then looked away "And don't come back."

Moving required conscious thought as I slowly made my way to the door. I stopped in front of her, wanting to say something more, while reminding myself that she was not completely her a the moment.

Jacob followed behind me, and as I stepped out the door he stopped in front of her just as I had.

"You don't have to believe either one of us." He explained. "But even you can't deny proof Bella." He said to her, then looked over his shoulder. "And you have to believe yourself." He told her sternly.

"It's all in the box."

_I watched with Alice as the vision hit her._

_Bella was with the Volturi, and she was being escorted into the castle by Demitri and Felix; each of them holding her as they walked in._

_It was only a moment, much shorter than the last sight Alice had had of her marking the tree._

_Suddenly the vision changed, and an angry Bella looked onto the other Volturi. Instantly following, the two vampires that were holding her were thrown away, and then the vision abruptly ended._

_No one had anything to say, and we didn't have anything to go on._

_Alice searched frantically for her future; for any future that involved Bella – she found nothing._

_Alice's only words were of loss that echoed my feeling."She's gone."_

_**Six months later...**_

I was walking the streets in Perth, Australia when my phone began to ring in my pocket. I knew who it was without having to see the name on the screen, it had been going on like this for months now.

"Jacob." I said as I answered the call.

"Edward."

"Any news?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Nope. You?"

"No." I told him as I crossed Berwick St. heading over toward Victoria Park. "If she was here, she isn't now."

"And Alice?" He asked, again going over the same questions.

"No." I said to him, "No on all accounts Jacob."

Bella had been gone for about two months when we all finally accepted that she wasn't just going to show up or call. So Alice had come up with the idea of splitting up, spreading us all out in hopes that we would stumble across her or that Bella herself would seek out the places where we would be staying.

Alice and Jasper had been in Florida for about four months watching over Bella's mother and Phil. It made since for them to be in sunny Florida rather than anyone else, Alice could more easily track the weather for them there.

Rosalie and Emmett stayed behind in Italy to keep an eye on her house and things in case she decided to come back there. Neither of them were to excited about being so close to the Volturi, but they had volunteered stating that neither of them had and discernible power or gift that would interest them, so they thought they would be the safest bet to stay behind.

Carlisle and Esme went back to New York, where we all had been living before. There was no reason for Bella to go New York, but with all other places covered they were just waiting for any word to help.

Jacob went home to La Push to watch over Forks. He wanted to be there to help protect the people and watch over Bella's father's family in case the Volturi went to Washington in the hopes of finding her.

And I wandered the globe, following every empty lead that we were told and could find. Alice would get visions of the Volturi's tracking her and tell me so I could follow. Only in the beginning when Bella first left had she left any actual trails to follow. She would pull money out of her accounts, or check into a hotel, but by the time any of us were able to get to where she had been, she was of course long gone.

Jacob sighed heavily into the phone "Right... alright then, well... call me..." 

"Yes Jacob, of course I will call you." I assured him once again before hanging up. "We'll talk soon."

I wondered the streets for a few more hours before heading toward the airport. There was no pattern of movement to follow so over the last several weeks I had taken up to following my gut. It was no better than what we had all been doing thus far.

I had already been to every place Bella and I had ever talked about going, places she wanted to see, places that I had been and told her about, all the things that she had talked about doing – I'd been through them all, some of them twice.

I even went off the grid, going to parts of the world that no human would go to, or if they did, that no human would survive. And because she was a vegetarian I'd even thought to go to places that might be palatably appealing; lush rainforests, high mountain tops, vast wilderness and open range – all to no avail.

I never knew where I was headed next, but it was usually either the first available flight available or a destination the would catch my eye and grab my attention.

Standing in Perth International Airport, I heard his approach as I scanned the flight board. Having decided that I would head back to the states, I turned to face him just as he made his approach. "Felix."I greeted him indifferently.

"Demitri told me where to find you." He said, skipping the pleasantries.

"Is he here too."

"No. It's just me."

"That's good." I told him dryly.

"I've just been to Japan, there was some activity that we thought might be Bella."

"Why didn't you call?" I demanded.

Felix had tracked me down with the help of Demitri three months ago, wanting to offer any help he could with finding Bella. Knowing I could hear his thoughts I didn't trust him, but after persistence on his part, and aid from Jasper at one point, I knew that he meant no harm to either Bella or my family.

Demitri I was assured felt the same way, but I couldn't stand to be around him, he also wanted nothing to do with me, which was just as well. He helped Felix, and Felix and I helped each other. It wasn't and ideal system, but it worked.

"It wasn't her."

"Are you sure? How do you know?"

"Yes I'm sure, I would have called you if I wasn't."

I waited for him to continue, there's usually a good reason Felix show's up in person rather than calling to let me know anything.

"We're headed to Canada."

"We?"

"Yes, we. There was a sighting by one of our guards on assignment up there. Demitri is already on his way to see if he can pick up a trace, but we need you to look in the guys head, to make sure it was her."

"You really think after six months she'd slip up and let herself be seen? By one of you no less?" I said this to him dismissively, while at the same time walking in the direction of Canadian Air.

Thirty six hours later we discovered Canada to be a true lead. The sight of Bella through the mind of the guard that had seen her was a welcomed wave a relief, Demitri had also successfully picked up her trace.

We each followed her direction, and after landing in British Columbia we trailed her through Alberta and Saskatchewan before we lost her again at the tip of Manitoba and into the Hudson Bay.

It would be six more months after that before anything of Bella resurfaced.

8/29/11


	31. Chapter 31

A/N: I realize that the last chapter was basically crap, so I hope that this one will make up for it a little bit. I'm trying not to rush the story, but also not drag it out any longer than it needs to be.

**Chapter 31 EPOV: By and by**

I wondered idly for the hundredth time as I walked the streets of Dallas, if this is what it felt like for Bella when I left her. I of course know how I felt, and having read her journals, I understand the words that were described, but it's a whole other thing all together experiencing it first hand.

Being left without more than a few words of explanation is as confusing as it is frustrating. Knowing that my profession of love wasn't enough to keep her with me is a painful experience I'm trying desperately not to allow it to hold me back.

But knowing that she is out there somewhere, intentionally keeping herself from me, is the hardest of all things to face and accept. This is the one thing that I can not blame on a number of other circumstantial events which resulted in where we are at today, I tell myself this daily to get through to the next, while simultaneously telling myself that when I see her again it won't be the last, that she will not run away and hide from me. I allow myself to believe that the next time I see her she will want to talk to me, and that even though she may never remember her past, she'll allow me to be a part of her future.

_Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day._

It's been almost a year since the last time I seen Bella in person, and nearly six months since we lost her in Canada. When we had been looking for her before, we had always some place to go, some place we hadn't thought to look, or tip or a call of possibility to lead us in another direction.

This time it's as though she ceases to exist.

I wonder if she has found some place quiet and so far out of the way we will never think to cross her there. I can imagine her living on the outskirts of a small town. In a little cottage tucked in next to trees, maybe along a mountain side or a river.

She would keep to herself, rarely ever going into the village, but always warm and friendly when she did. Her kindness would be the only reason the towns people wouldn't bother or worry about her, but they would speculate and have exotic stories to explain her living arrangements.

The women would envy her and the men would fawn over her, but none would ever approach her – she wouldn't allow it, couldn't allow it for fear of it breaking her silence and word of her whereabouts getting out.

Whatever she's doing, she's mastered the ability of evasion, and has become quite adept at keeping her shield up and strong at all times. Even the short amount of time I spent with her after her change, I knew her to let her shield down, and Felix confirmed that she preferred not to have it up if she could avoid it. It could become physically tiring for her, but mostly she felt as though it blocked her from the rest of the word. Not to say she didn't love her shield; it has become the one thing that has kept her safe all these years, but to use it just to use it made her feel isolated and alone.

Thoughts like these have kept my mind occupied and busy all these long months, sometimes days or weeks would pass without my conscious awareness as I traveled and searched on autopilot. And while thousands of possibilities and fantasies about Bella, her life, where she might be or what could potentially happen once she's been found, continue to run through my head, none of them are comforting enough for me to stop searching. Nothing I or anyone else could ever dream up will be enough for me to stop looking for her.

"Edward!" A voice I recognized immediately called from a few blocks down.

I looked up to find myself near W Northwest Highway, and within throwing distance of another Barnes & Noble. I wasn't at all excited to see the three sisters standing before me just a few blocks down, I would have preferred not seeing anyone at all, but having to deal with Tanya and her insistent flirting was the last thing I needed or wanted to do right now.

Unfortunately I didn't have it in me to be rude, so begrudgingly I went forward and soon found myself in the midst of a growing group of people and the three Denali sisters.

"Edward!" Tanya chimed again while throwing her arms around me for a hug.

"Hello Tanya." I said to her politely, all the while trying not to cringe away from her touch. "Kate, Irina." I addressed them as soon as I unwrapped myself from within Tanya's grasp. "How are you all?"

"We're well." Kate replied. "What brings you to Dallas Edward? Is the rest of your family here?"

"No, it's just me." I told her evasively. "And what might you ladies being doing here?"

The three of them looked at each other for a second before Tanya turned to me, "Don't laugh." She said through a smile.

"I promise." I vowed to her, now slightly interested in what she was about to tell me.

"We are here for a book signing." She told me flippantly.

"Why would I laugh at that?" I questioned her.

"It's a Sookie Stackhouse book signing." Kate informed me.

"Oh." I chocked out through a huge smile, holding back the bellow that was threatening me with escape.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!" Tanya giggled then slapped me on the arm.

"I'm not laughing."

"Whatever Edward." She rolled her eyes, "Eric Northman is a hot piece of vampire viking ass, and if I get a chance to meet his creator, I'm taking it!"

"Or if she gets the chance to meet him, she's taking him!" Kate teased her sister.

Although it was a joke, I had no doubt that it was at the very least a passing thought for one or all of the sisters.

"I'll never understand our kinds fascination with the human's version of our species." I said to them playfully.

"So they get a few things wrong, it's still interesting!" Irina said, defending their obsession.

"A few things?" I provoked, "I would say they get a little more than a few things wrong! Especially True Blood, with the fangs and fairies..." I rolled my eyes, "Please."

I couldn't help it after that, I laughed. I laughed at them, I laughed at the ridiculous and ironic conversation we were having, and I laughed at myself... and it felt good.

"I'm glad I ran into the three of you." I told them sincerely after each of us controlled ourselves. "I really needed this distraction and a good laugh."

"Glad we could help." Kate said dryly but with a smile.

"You never did tell us what brought you here?" Irina questioned me again.

"I'm looking for someone." I told her.

"Finally tired of being alone?" Tanya teased, but the look in her eye and the thoughts in her head were far from the carefree tone she was trying to apply.

"Who are you looking for?" Irina asked after rolling her eyes at her sister.

"Or do _you_ even know?" Kate joked.

"It's difficult to explain, but I definitely know."

"Well maybe we can help?" Tanya offered, "Is he someone we might know?"

"She, and no I don't think so."

"She?" Tanya's voice was a little higher than it should have been. "Just a friend of yours?"

I looked at her and as kindly as I could make the words sound, I answered her with a simple but stern "No. She's not just my friend."

"Oh."

The two other sisters began to fidget within the silence, until finally Irina said. "Well, I'm sure we can't help you then Edward." She said not unkindly, "I can't imagine us knowing your mate and not knowing that she was with you."

"No I don't suppose you would." I told her.

"Can I ask why you are looking for her? That seems a little strange!" Tanya tried to compose herself by asking more questions and making a joke out of the situation. "Is she lost?" She said with a chuckle.

"As a matter of fact she is lost." I told them. "It is however a really long story, and one I would like to not get into right now."

"Alright, that's fine. Is there anything that we can do to help?" Kate asked. "Maybe we can keep an eye out for her too? Do you have a description?"

I appreciated the offer, and without going into detail I told them only the things that would help them recognize Bella if they were to see her.

"...and she has long mahogany. She's also a vegetarian, so you'll know by her eyes."

"And whats her name?" Kate asked.

"Bella."

"Bella?" Tanya blurted out and then turned to Irina. "Is he describing your Volturi friend Bella?"

"What..." I demanded of the three of them, "you know her?" 

"It can't be the same person," Irina began to say. "She's not lost, she was just up in Alaska a few weeks ago." She told me, and while she did a stream of pictures of Bella began to play through her head.

"You're who taught her about vegetarianism?" I asked her.

"Yes." She replied. "Several years ago when I went to Volterra." She looked at me as she spoke, the shock and awe on my face became realization on hers. "She's who you are looking for, isn't she?"

"Yes." I said a little too breathy

"Well, Edward, she seemed fine." Kate assured me, "in fact when she was leaving she said she was heading to the main land, that she had business here."

The rest of the conversation was lost on me as I hastily thanked them and began to run to the nearest airport. I relayed what I had been told to Alice, Jasper, Carlisle and Esme so that they could be on the look out. Immediately following I called and informed Jacob, then Felix.

Bella was close; she was here, now we just had to find her.

By the time I reached Addison Airport over an hour had passed. It is maddening having to travel at a human pace when you are in a hurry. Once I finally reached the airport I proceeded to buy every ticket available over the next twenty four hours that would take me to Florida, Washington and New York. I wanted to buy all them for every destination, but I held out hope that she would be spotted at one of these sights before any other.

I was pacing a long stretch of hallway when Alice first called me.

"She was here." She said in a rush of excitement.

"How long ago?"

"A week at the most." She said. "There wasn't any scent outside, so I had to wait for Phil and Renee to fall asleep before I could check the house, but she was definitely here."

When I didn't say anything right away or share her enthusiasm she questioned me "Edward?"

"This doesn't help us Alice. She was there a week ago, where is she now?"

"I know Edward, but it's something." She told me exasperated, "it's more than we've had for six months."

"I know." I admitted to my sister, she was right, it just wasn't enough. "Alice, Jacob's calling through right now, I'll let you know if I find anything else out." With that I ended the call with her to answer the other line.

"Jacob, Alice caught her scent in Florida but it's about a week old." I told him as a greeting before he could say anything.

"She's been here too." He said with as much excitement as Alice had portrayed. "I just left Charlies place, it's fresh Edward, maybe a day."

"Anything else? Around the woods?"

"Just the trail that lead to Charlies, I was able to track her movements after she left but just for a couple of miles then I lost it in the ocean."

"But you said it was fresh? A day, more or less?"

"I would guess less than a day."

I was on the next plane to Washington.

When I arrived I knew I had to be careful not to be seen by anyone that would recognize me, it had been nearly fifteen years since I was last seen in Forks and not aged one day. It was early afternoon when I arrived so I went to the house first, deciding to wait until nightfall to head over to the Swan residence.

The house was exactly as we had left it, save fifteen years of dust and neglect. The landscape was overgrown and covering the road to get to the house, if you hadn't know it was there a human would never see it.

Stepping through the front door it was eerily quiet and it felt empty to the point of sadness, the door squeaked with it's first use and it echoed throughout the house.

Bella had been here too, and Jacob was right, her scent was strong and all over the place. Why had she come here? I couldn't dare let myself hope she may be remembering anything, but would she come here to learn about her past?

Walking through the house I could almost follow her trail of movements, where she went first and where she ended up last. I followed her out the back of the house and kept with her scent until I came to the river. Her scent stopped there, and if I had been thinking clearly I might have thought she went into the water and was lost to me again, but instead I jumped the river, and found her again.

I began to run instead of walk, I couldn't seem to track her fast enough. I knew I was a glutton for punishment, that her trail would end in the ocean just had Jacob had said, and when it did I would be lost and devastated again, but I kept going.

I realized soon though that the trail I was following must have been different than Jacob's, Bella wasn't going nearer the water but rather further away from it, further into the woods – and in a direction I began to recognize almost immediately.

Once I figured out her destination my legs couldn't move fast enough, and as I approached the outer skirts of the meadow, her scent was everywhere; she had been here more than once.

I slowed my walk to a human pace as I made my way to the edge of the circular clearing that had once been our place.

Bella was standing in the middle of the meadow, shimmer in the afternoon sunlight.

"Bella..." I called out calmly, afraid I would spook her like a skittish animal or a scared child.

She didn't answer my call but she didn't run away, she turned her head slightly, giving me my first real glimpse of her face in the last twelve months.

"Please don't run." I pleaded with her as I continued my slow approach.

"I'm not going to run Edward." She said to me, then turned to face me full on. Of course she was exactly as I remember her, looking just as perfect as she ever did, but I took in her appearance as if it were the first time, a weight of worry lifting from my chest as a sigh of relief escaped my lips.

"I've been looking for you." I told her as I made my way further in the meadow, standing nearly within reaching distance of her.

"I know." She admitted to me, not moving from my close proximity.

"Why..." I let the single word linger in the air between us, not sure which others to attach.

"I needed time, I needed to find myself."

"And, now you've done that?" I asked her, scared and eager to hear the answer.

She didn't give me one, just her sweet smile that I've longed to see. I didn't want her to leave, and I didn't want her to stop talking to me, so without letting my brain get to much in the way, I began to speak to her about where we were.

"This place..." I said and then paused to look around, "it was special."

I looked at her to gauge her reaction to what I was saying, she didn't look disproving so I continued. I walked closer to her, passing her as I circled around to take in the full view, when I turned back around she was facing me again. "You were the first and only person I'd ever brought here." I said.

"I know." She replied then smiled at me for the second time. I was dumb founded. In all the scenarios I had played in my head throughout this whole ordeal, I never imagined us meeting here, and I never expected her to be so accommodating. I had hoped, but never imagined it to be.

"You read that in the journals." I agreed with her, realizing she would have read her own version of what the meadow meant to her.

"No Edward, I remember."

"You remember?" I asked her, desperately holding onto my hope and relief fearing it's backlash if I were to allow it to escape.

"Yes." She beamed.

"What do you remember?"

"Everything."

8/30/11


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: **I have been getting a lot of questions and concerns about the ending of this Fan-Fiction. I want all of you to know that I will put as much effort into this as I have been since the beginning. I wouldn't dream of ruining it in a hurry to get it over with, I don't want that any more than any of you do. I'm not sure where all the concern is coming from, maybe some miss-communication on my part or the gap that was over the summer? I really am sorry for making you all wait so long for an update, it was crazy busy and I just didn't have the time to sit and do anything with it, and I didn't want to rush through the chapters just to keep up with my timing.

Also, I promise you will know when we are close to the end, and when the final chapter has been posted. Still sticking with my original guess, I would say we have anywhere between 6 and 8 chapters left. I really want to close up all the loose ends and finish without leaving any questions.

I really appreciate all of your feedback, and love getting your comments and messages! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

**Chapter 32: On the lamb**

It was several days later when I finally stopped running, and I found myself outside the city limits of Hanover Germany.

If I could be I was tired; dirty and hungry; I needed to hunt.

I was unsure if anyone was following me, so instead of backtracking myself, I made a wide circle around and back into Weserbergland Naturpark where I found plenty of wildlife to sate my thirst before heading into town.

All I had on me was the book bag full of photographs and journals from my human life, and thankfully I had thought to bring my wallet full of my credit cards and passports. I had only a couple hundred dollars in cash, which was what I used to rent a hotel room and buy new clothes in the gift shop.

There have been many times over the years that I had wished for sleep, but none like I wanted today. After a long hot shower and changing into fresh clean clothes I crawled into the hotel bed and closed my eyes. I thought that if I could just sleep, even for a few minutes, I would be able to let go of the last several days, forget that it ever happened and ignore it completely. If I could sleep, I would be blissfully unaware of the disaster my life had become; relaxed and unconcerned as dreams would take me away.

Unfortunately that didn't happen, and I was left alone in a empty hotel room surrounded by fluffy pillows, lying in the middle of a king sized bed while curled up under a down duvet as thoughts relentlessly swirled around in my head.

I was angry, of course I was, but I was more hurt than anything. I felt betrayed. Betrayed by everyone, even myself. All this had started years ago when I was human and went to the Volturi, and since I have been on a downward slope where inevitably and unavoidably I would end here, where I am today.

Things could have been handled differently; absolutely. My family; the Volturi, could have done things less deceitfully, they could have not lied to me and been honest this whole time. They could have not manipulated me and kept my free will. If they had done that, things would not be as they are right now.

They took advantage of me, I was a foolish human girl who didn't know what she was asking for, or whom she was asking it from. They should have looked out for me; for my best interests, instead of using me for their own gain.

I should have looked out for myself too, they weren't all to blame.

I don't remember Edward, or his family, and I haven't experienced love in the way it was described in the journals, or how our kind explains it to be all consuming. I was unaware a human could feel such strong emotions, to love so unconditionally that there would never be a way to get over it.

I found it silly and annoying that Bella; my human self, struggled with this so exhaustively. Why couldn't she get over Edward? Why couldn't she have just let it go? I find myself angriest with her, she is the reason all of this started. But what of Edward? Is he not also to blame?

The Cullen's and Edward openly invited Bella into their world, shared their life; their love – everything with her, just to leave? How unfairly they treated her. How was she ever supposed to move on after knowing everything she did about them? About a world that she was to never be apart of? How could they expect anything less than a search from her?

You don't give a blind person sight just to take it away.

They should have been more responsible, they should have been more careful. They say they loved Bella, then they should have been more caring.

And Edward. Edward is the worst of all. Selfish and self righteous. I'm as angry with him as I am my human self. Irresponsible fools they were. Both of which who have had a hand in ruining my life. Edward should have known better, or been strong enough to live with either choice. He would have known long before Bella that he was in love with her, and at that point he should have left, knowing he was never going to do anything about it. But since he chose to stay, chose to love her and involve her in his life, he should have changed her, he should have been strong enough to make her one of his kind. Choosing the middle ground of both decisions was the wrongest way for everyone concerned. The soul cause of the problems we all face today.

I only allowed myself several hours of rest and self pity before putting myself back on the move. I had no destination, or plan but knew that I needed to keep moving, I knew that I needed to keep my shield up or I would have everyone I wanted to avoid knocking down my door or blocking my path.

I needed time away, I needed time to think. I didn't know how far Chelsea's manipulation had been taken, or what exactly she had been doing to me, but I knew by staying away from her and all other powers of control, I would soon find out. She was known to make bonds stronger, she's held the guard together for years, but to what extent I wonder? Only time would tell exactly what had been done to me, and I intended to give myself as much time as needed to find out.

After leaving Hanover I sporadically and as randomly as I could began to wander the globe, all the while keeping up my shield but still not committing or thinking about where or what I was doing.

I would cross water as often as the opportunity presented itself, I didn't know if Jacob or any other wolves or shape shifters would be involved in looking for me, and since I knew they followed scent, I found myself swimming fairly often.

Demitri I couldn't shake so simply, I had to rely on my shield, evasiveness and speed. He knew me, he knew my mind, so I had no doubt that if I let up for even just a moment if he was close, he would surely find me.

I also knew that I needed to stay hidden, I couldn't be seen by anyone as much as possible. The guard would be on the look out for me, I don't know what they would have been told, but I was positive they would have been instructed to watch out for me while on duty.

I needed to stay hidden from the human population as well, not only would the guard's sight be a threat, but a human taking too much notice would be a problem if Edward were around.

All of these reason mostly kept me out of towns and cities wherever I traveled. I stayed in the wilderness and the outskirts of towns for most of my wanderings, only going into the cities for new clothes or a hotel room to gather and clean myself.

Six months had passed this way and I was beginning to get comfortable with my new lifestyle. Not that I wanted to live like this forever, I was just comfortable with my security. I figured that I would give myself another few months this way before searching for a place that I could eventually settle for a long period of time.

There were thousands of acres of untouched and uninhabited wilderness all across the world, I knew that I could get lost somewhere; at least for a little while.

I had decided on this new course of action and started to look at different areas as possible places to settle. I knew I wanted to be somewhere with plenty of game, but also with enough cloud cover so I wouldn't be noticed if by chance someone were to run across me.

I had just finished scouting some area's in Sweden when I decided to cut across Russia. There were so many places and so much to choose from there that I had considered it briefly, but the weather was horrid and I knew I would be miserable.

I decided to explore the Canadian provinces, it may not be as large as Russia, but there were still plenty of places to get lost.

Once I swam across the Chukchi Sea I cut across Alaska and began my search first in Yukon and then down into British Columbia.

It was my mistake being to close to Prince George that would lead me to be chased across the Canadian landscape.

I had thought to go into the city after several weeks of search, needing a warm shower and new clothes again when I was spotted by a guard I recognized. I wasn't sure why anyone would be stationed up here, but nevertheless he had seen me.

I was sure he would start to pursue me, but was instead surprised at him staying away. He simply nodded in acknowledgment to me then went about his business, I was sure he made contact as soon as I was out of sight.

I had only a short time to get cleaned up, and since he wasn't coming after me immediately, I took advantage of civilization instead pressing forward and going elsewhere to get cleaned up.

I was only in town for just over fourteen hours and then resumed my trek through the rest of Canada.

After thoroughly going through Alberta, almost immediately putting the province at the top of my list, I moved on to Saskatchewan. It was there that I began to feel antsy, and thought I might be being followed.

If contact had made by the guard I had seen, it would have taken Demitri to fly over before he could find my trace, the timing would be good for him to be close to me. I didn't wait to second guess myself, and before I could be seen by anyone for sure, I hurried through Manitoba and dove into the Hudson Bay.

I swam around Quebec and Newfoundland and through the Labrador Sea, around past St. Johns. I didn't bother with land again until I was in Nova Scotia where I eventually made my way to hide aboard a plane.

Several Flights later I found myself again in Australia. Not knowing what flights I had taken or been on and by not knowing where I was going, either flying in or out of, I thought of it as fate when I finally landed. Once I realized where I was, I swam out in the Tasman Sea to an Island I had visited a considered before.

The next four months was where I spent hiding on Macquarie Island. I wasn't seen or bothered by anyone I knew there; except my memories and my past.

9/6/11


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33: Brass tacks**

The Macquarie Island wasn't ideal, yet it was perfect; exactly what I needed in a place to get lost. There was no population to speak of; at least not in the terms that are used when describing a city or state on any main land. There are no shopping malls or schools, no housing developments or car pools, and the wildlife is as unappealing for a vegetarian as it gets.

The Macquarie Island is only home to a large array of wildlife in between Australia and Antarctica. It houses a research station that consists of thirty separate buildings, and is managed by the Tasmanian Parks and Wildlife Service. It's cloudy, wet and windy with an average summer and winter temperature of around forty degrees Fahrenheit.

There is absolutely no reason for me to be here; therefore it is the perfect place.

When I arrived it was the 'off' season in Macca, so there were only sixteen employees and staff currently on site compared to it's busier forty during the summer rotation. When I had thought of coming here several months ago, I had created and put together an alias using what little knowledge I had in natural and environmental science to create a false scientific study and resume' that would allow me to stay on the island with the other researchers without drawing any unwanted attention and questions to myself.

The island itself is only about three miles wide and twenty miles long. I could have easily stayed hidden from anyone currently occupying the land, and since I would need to leave to hunt anyway it was an option I had considered, but in the end I decided to go with the alias and make myself known to avoid any mishaps.

I allowed myself limited contact with the other researchers and island staff, appearing as the ever dutiful scientist overly absorbed in my work. After several weeks of the others attempting to get me to join them in the mess, they eventually gave up and stopped asking, also taking the same approach with any other activities they would indulge themselves in when they weren't busy with their own work.

I had been studying the four species of penguin that were on the island for about three weeks when I had my first memory from my human life. The guise I had originally come here under had unexpectedly turned into a fascination and real research as I tried to understand mating between the penguins and what, if anything it had in common with my species and how we mated for life with one another.

I was surprised how the memory related to what I had been doing when it came to me, and as futilely as I tried when it was gone, I couldn't get anything further out of it. More overwhelming than the memory itself even was the emotion that I experienced with it.

As the thought produced itself in my mind, I found myself chuckling at the flashback before I realized what had happened or what I was doing.

"_We are _not _like penguins Bella, geez." Jacob said rolling his eyes at me by the comparison before turning his back to me._

"_Sure you are Jake," I said goading him, while fighting back my smile and a fit of laughter. "Penguins mate for life, it's probably exactly like imprinting, they just can't phase into human form to look through a dictionary and find a defining word for what they do."_

"_Bella, that is ridiculous!" He huffed._

"_Why?"_

"_Because penguins all look alike! What would be the point of screwing around?" He said to me seriously, turning back around from under the hood of the rabbit to make eye contact with me. "Of course they mate for life, it's not like their going find a new great looking penguin someday. How could they tell?"_

_He couldn't even finish what he was saying before he busted out laughing, causing me to lose the battle within myself and laugh right along with him._

I spent two days dwelling on that glimpse of a memory, replaying it over in my head again and again until I had analyzed everything I could make out of the fuzzy thought. The familiarity of Jacob and his presence in the memory along with the feeling of absolute comfort had me chomping at the bit for more to come.

Unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to draw them out, and the only connection between what I was doing that day and the memory itself were the penguins I was watching at the time. Having no idea how to produce anything else with commonalities, I had to wait for them to come all on their own.

Once they started however, they were not to be stopped.

There was no rhyme or reason and no pattern to follow when it came to remembering, sometimes they would spring to the forefront of my mind, while other times they quietly presented themselves in the back of my consciousness, I would sometimes not even notice that I had learned anything new for several seconds before finally making the connection.

By the end of the second month I had remembered all of my childhood and some of my teen years, along with some early adult memories and even a few that included Edward and the Cullen's.

I decided at that point to reread the journals and put out some of the pictures in my quarters to hopefully jog myself along and speed up my remembrance.

I was surprised at how quickly the memories started to come after that, and silently cursed myself for not thinking about doing it sooner. Even as I flipped through the albums to pull photos out to hang I began to remember being in them, remembering the details of whatever event lauded to having the photograph taken in the first place.

The flip side of this new technique was experiencing the journals in almost a surround sound effect. I of course had the words memorized from my first read through, so with my new memories and feelings about the words written, along with the past ones resurfacing all while reading in the present made for an almost 3D effect. It was challenging to say the least, especially considering that I clearly remembered not wanting to experience it all the first time, let alone how I was going about it now.

By the forth month I had a very clear picture of who I had been and how I had become who I was. With all the knowledge I had discovered over the last few months and what was left to learn I had become restless with the need to leave the island and continue my search and realization elsewhere. I could no longer sit around and hide, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to make my presence known to all that I had left behind, nor did I want to. Not yet anyway.

I felt an all consuming need to go back to my roots, or retrace my steps through life as it were.

The first thing I did after leaving the Macca was to research and seek out my parents. I needed to see them, I needed to know that they were all right, what they were doing and how they were getting along in life. I couldn't ever see them again, I knew that, I knew that I would never get to talk to them again, or tell them that I was o.k. and that I was sorry for leaving them, but I needed to know that they were o.k. even though they would never get the favor returned.

I knew without having to look that Charlie was still in Forks and confirmed that when I googled him anyway. Renee and Phil were almost as easy to locate, they were still in Florida just in a different city than the one I had known them to be in.

Upon my research I had had the presence of mind to look for any of the Cullen's or Volturi and their aliases in the surrounding area's of both of my parents. I learned that Alice and Jasper had been living in Florida just a few short miles from where my mother and her husband had bought their house. I couldn't be sure that they were the only ones in Florida, but the house they were renting was leased only to Jasper and Alice Whitlock. It was only natural for Jasper to use his original surname with Rosalie out of the picture, it was always at her insistence that they use Hale when they were all together. I smiled at the little bit of information that so easily came to me without having to struggle to find it.

I discovered that there were no Cullen's or Volturi in or around the Washington area, and although I had been expecting to find a property listing for the former, I was not surprise at the latter. I guessed that if anyone was there waiting with a watchful eye it would be Jacob and the rest of the Quileute pack. I knew without any doubt that they would have continued to patrol around my father and Sue's house and the rest of forks since there were no vampires in residence to keep them out of city limits.

I traveled back to the states and into Florida intending to check on my mother first before heading to Washington to look in on my father. I ended up having to stay out of town for a few days waiting for a bad weather report before making my way down to Palm Bay where they had moved two years ago. Once I arrived I easily stayed out of sight, following and watching them for a solid four days before having to leave because of the good weather that was returning.

I was relieved to find them both happy and healthy, and even though it saddened me tremendously that I would never get to talk to my mother again, I was grateful that I was able to look after her in any capacity, grateful that I finally remembered the woman who gave me life and thankful that I was once again able to remember the love that I felt for her.

After reluctantly leaving Florida I continued my stroll down memory lane and headed over to Phoenix before making my way into Washington. There wasn't anyone that I particularly wanted to see in Arizona but rather places I wanted to visit that held a certain amount relevance for me. Once arriving however, I discovered that the places I was drawn to the strongest were the ones that held the most pain; the ballet studio in particular. It had been damaged in the fire that was set to cover up what had happened with James and had since been remodeled, almost immediately upon seeing the renovations I lost the desire to be in Phoenix all together, and left without a second thought or glance back.

I took extra care while traveling through Washington, taking my time and exercising extreme patience while I watched and waited for any signs of discovery. I knew that once my scent had been come across I would be found and have to face the consequences of my decision to come here. I was prepared, but wanted to avoid it nevertheless.

After carefully and intentionally giving La Push and the Quileute's a wide berth of travel around their land I finally made my way into Forks and over to my dads. There were traces and remnants of shifter trails, but was pleased to discover that they were not fresh, however frequent. The scents that were in and around the house were like a blanket, covering almost the entire area, indicating the wolves were here often. However, the trails that were left were a few days old and had been for the most part washed away with the rain. It concerned me, not for Charlies safety, but rather that they could show up at any moment, and I wouldn't have as much time with him as I'd had with Renee.

It didn't matter though, almost immediately I came to the that conclusion, and decided to stay and take my chances.

Seeing him and Sue and how happy they were was such a relief I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Knowing that both of my parent were happy and given I was able to see that truth with my own eyes was like an exhale of breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I was especially happy for my father and step mother as I watched over them for the few short days I dared to do so before fearing I would be discovered.

It was inevitable that the wolves and therefore Jacob would know I was here, so after spending as much time as I dared watching them, knowing that they would most definitely show up at any moment, I moved on to the next leg of my journey.

I really had no right to visit the Cullen's property, and having only been there a few times during a few short months of my life here in Forks, I don't know why I needed to see the beautiful home again, but I did. Shorty after leaving Charlies I found myself staring up at the colonial three story white house, nestled in the forest next to the river just as I had remembered it from my hazy human memories.

I walked around the property, taking my time before making my way back to the front of the house and up the steps to the porch. I stood at the front door for a long while wondering exactly what I was to do next.

I knew my time here in Washington was drawing to an end, and yet I felt reluctant to leave, I also knew I was procrastinating my last destination by standing here in front of an empty, locked up house. I needed closure, that was why I was doing all of this, and prolonging this end of my life was not conducive of moving forward with the rest of it.

Finally making a decision I went ahead and walked through the front door and into the house that had been where my journey started in getting me here where I stood today so many years ago. It was sad seeing the house in its current state, lifeless and empty. The walls were bare and the little furniture that was left was covered, the only scent to be detected was that of unuse and stagnant air.

I wondered around the house, trying to remember what it had looked like when I was here last, sifting through the blurry memories of my human self and her time. It was difficult to remember, yet I was pleased with the recall of even the slightest things.

I wandered through the house and soon found myself in the living room. Most of the evidence of that fateful night had been cleaned up and cleared away, all but the noticeably large and empty space that had once held a baby grand piano. Knowing that the space would have been vacant regardless was of little comfort to me, realizing it had been destroyed that night, and leaving an emptiness in its wake.

I stood in the living, allowing the memories of my birthday that year to wash over me for a long time before finally moving on and through the rest of the house. As the hours ticked by I was finding in harder and harder to be here, but knew that I needed to finish what I had started before I could leave. I had one last room to revisit before making my way to the end of my journey.

After ascending the stairs, I made my way over to where Edwards room had been and gently pushed the door open, exposing it's secrets to me. Similar to the rest of the house, there was very little left in the bedroom. I walked around it in much the same way I did the very first time I had stepped foot in here, running my finger over imaginary albums and records before stepping over to peek at the empty bookcase that no longer held any titles.

The large sofa and an end table were the only two things that remained in the dilapidated space, but I felt a smile creep up just the same as I remembered our first day here.

_"What?" I asked him, turning away from my examination of his music collection._

_"I was prepared to feel… relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me… happy." He shrugged, smiling slightly._

_"I'm glad," I said, smiling back. "You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?"_

_A faint smile touched his lips, and he nodded._

_"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually,"_

_"You really shouldn't have said that," he chuckled._

_I didn't see him leap at me — it was much too fast. I only found myself suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me — I was barely jostled. But I still was gasping as I tried to right myself._

_"You were saying?" he growled playfully._

_"That you are a very, very terrifying monster," I said, my sarcasm marred a bit by my breathless voice._

_"Much better," he approved._

Gently pulling the sheet from the sofa, I sat down for a moment, running my hands over the cool leather while picturing us sitting here together the way we had that day. It wasn't the same, but it was nice to have something as proof of what we had shared, something tangible that was still in existence.

After recovering the black leather sofa, I took one last look around before deciding that it was time to leave this place. I had spent all night here and was beginning to feel I had stayed longer than I was welcome, especially since I hadn't been invited or welcomed at all.

I exited through the back of the house, and turned to run, jumping over the river before taking off at full speed heading into the woods.

I knew the general way I was going, albeit I was heading in the opposite direction to get there than I was used to, but it didn't take long and soon I had picked up my own scent and began following myself to the meadow.

I had been coming here on and off for the last several days since returning to Forks Washington, but this time, this last time, I was going to say goodbye. I had completed my journey, I knew who I was and everything there ever was to know about myself. I was whole, I was complete, and I was happy. It was time for me to move on.

For the first time in over a year I allowed my shield to drop from around me, I had become so used to keeping it and at full strength all this time, I momentarily sagged with the release of my hold. I've never kept my strength up for such a long amount of time before, and was surprised that it had actually affected me, even for the few seconds it had while I acclimated myself to the relax. Very briefly and ever so slightly I likened the effect to feeling sore, as if the muscle were in fatigue after a long run. It didn't last however and soon I reminded myself where I was and what I was doing.

I looked around the circular space, taking in all its beauty before moving further in to stand near the middle of the meadow.

I had a lot of memories here, most of them unpleasant but a few a them were good. After Edward had left I remember coming here several times over the years, soon feeling as though it were my space rather than ours or his.

The meadow held a lot of significance for me, and although I was here to say goodbye for now, I knew it wouldn't be the last time I would ever visit this place. The afternoon sunlight was beaming down on me as I stood remembering some of the times I had spent here.

_"Bella?" Laurent asked, looking more astonished than I felt._

_"You remember." _

_He grinned. "I didn't expect to see you here." _

_"Isn't it the other way around? I do live here. I thought you'd gone to Alaska."_

_"You're right," he agreed. "I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn't expect… When I found the_

_Cullen place empty, I thought they'd moved on."_

_"Oh. They did move on," I finally managed to tell him._

_"Hmm," he murmured. "I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of_

_theirs?" _

_I smiled wryly. "Something like that."_

I shook off the memory, knowing it would lead me to a dark place, but remembering at the same time that it had been the first of many that I would see Jacob in his wolf form, although I didn't know that at the time. I shuddered to think of what might have happened to me that had the wolves not shown up when they did. Being a vampire myself now gave me new perspective of all the possibilities that would have surely ended in my death that day.

With that thought I automatically brought my arm up to look at the scar that James had left with me. Over the years when I didn't have my memory, I had always wondered how it had gotten there without causing me to transition into this life. Now knowing what Edward had done to save me that day, I could once again look on it with the fascination that it used to hold for me.

Raising the scar up into the light, I twisted my wrist allowing it to catch and reflect the different rays of the sun, glimmering slightly off from the rest of my diamond skin in the sunlight, causing me to think about the first time I had seen this sort of reflection, here in this meadow.

_Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear._

_"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his soft voice._

_"No more than usual."_

_He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. _

_I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand to trace the contours of his forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew it wouldn't escape his notice._

_"Do you mind?" I asked._

_"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He sighed._

_I lifted his hand, turning it this way and that as I watched the sun glitter on his palm. I held it closer to my face, trying to see the hidden facets in his skin._

_"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered._

_I hesitated."I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…" _

_."And?"_

_"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."_

_"I don't want you to be afraid." His voice was just a soft murmur._

_"That's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."_

_"What are you afraid of, then?" he whispered intently._

_"I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."_

_"Yes," he agreed slowly. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."_

I lowered my arm from my sight, feeling a heavy sense of loss at the understanding I now shared with him at what he had meant. I didn't agree, not completely, but at least now I understood.

I stayed for a while longer, absorbing the beauty and the memories as they presented themselves, I knew it was time to go and just as I had made the decision to leave, I heard someone approaching.

It was someone of my kind, that much I was sure, no one else in the world could move as lithely and quiet as could we. I was just about to run and move away from the meadow when a slight breeze picked up the scent and carried it to me, it was Edward.

"Bella..." He called out to me timidly.

I didn't answer him; I couldn't, but I turned just enough to get a glimpse of his face, I needed to see him to make sure he were real, to make sure I wasn't hallucinating his voice again.

"Please don't run." He pleaded with me as he began to slowly approach where I was standing.

"I'm not going to run Edward." I told him, smiling at the thought of him fearing that I would. If I hadn't wanted to be seen, I wouldn't have been, he should have figured this out by now.

I heard him exhale a deep breath after I turned around to face him fully which only caused me to experience a twinge of guilt that I had worried him this last year.

He continued to move closer, still keeping a wary approach as he did so, "I've been looking for you." He said to me.

"I know." I told him simply.

"Why..." He retorted, not adding any other words to the single one that fell from his lips.

I knew what he meant, and I wanted to explain, I just didn't want to right at this moment. "I needed time, I needed to find myself." I told him, hoping that my vague explanation would be enough.

"And, now you've done that?"

Of course I knew that something so benign wouldn't suffice when talking with him. He was too used to being privy to full explanations from people whether they wanted to give them or not. I smiled at the thought, and knowing that I was probably driving him insane with my silent mind.

A look of worry briefly flashed across his features before he started to look around at the meadow before us. "This place..." he said, "it was special."

I recognized what he was doing as he looked back at me to gauge my reaction. He was stalling, still trying to keep me here even after I told him I would leave. I could tell he was searching my face for any indication that I wouldn't want to hear what he had to say regarding where we were. I hoped my face wasn't betraying anything either way.

I must not have shown anything to deter him as he continued, walking closer to me before passing me all together. I turned with him, watching as he took in the full view.

"You were the first and only person I'd ever brought here." He said, before turning back around to face me again.

"I know." I told him with another smile. I wondered how much he would tell me, or try to explain to me about this place, thinking that I still had no memory of my past or who I was.

I was surprised by his conclusion though, "You read that in the journals." He said to me, a trace of sadness in his voice.

I could have continued to allow him to think that, I could have waited to tell him that I remembered, but the look on his face was devastating, and my old desire of needing to make him feel better overwhelmed me into explaining, "No Edward, I remember." I told him hoping to comfort him.

"You remember?" He asked me skeptically, his voice higher with doubt than is should have been.

"Yes." I answered him unabashed, I wanted to ease him, I wanted him to know that I knew.

"What do you remember?" He asked me eagerly, his doubt immediately replaced by hope.

I wasn't sure how to answer his question. Where we still just talking about the meadow, or would I explain to him all that I could remember? It was all so overwhelming, being here with him, remembering..."Everything."

9/27/11

A/N: Thank you for being patient! I appreciate all your wonderful comments and messages, they mean the world to me and are great motivators! Thank you so much. ~Eve


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